This is going to be less risk/harm reduction, and less Leather than most of my posts on my blog.  Other than one other more private blog that I have, this blog seems to be the most logical place to put this.

I have always struggled with what masculinity means to me, and while I have dealt with some of the demons I’ve got in this area, it’s definitely clear I’ve got other demons in this area I’ve not dealt with.

Case in point: The gym.  More recently, I’ve really hated going to the gym if it’s busy, even the gym in my condo.  More recently I’ve preferred to work out alone or with people I have specifically brought with my like one of Scott’s boy’s who is a personal trainer, boy troy, or one of my brothers, such as slave Mike who has spent years lifting.

It comes down to a few things that go through my mind

• I feel freaking awkward and want to be able to make my mistakes in private  – I’m not talking about mistakes that would hurt myself like tearing a muscle or tendon, but more I’ve been feeling really awkward – physically and socially.
• There’s a degree of, I don’t feel ‘good enough’ whatever that means, because anyone that knows my history of sport knows that I’ve done some interesting things that aren’t even in the line of sight for a gym rat.
• I’ve been letting the gym immaculate me – well, I’ve been emasculating myself and using the gym as an excuse to do it.

I look at some of the muscle Bears, Leathermen who happen to work out and general body builders that I follow on various social media.

Beyond the common thread of not originally liking how they looked when they were younger – most were quite smaller than they are now, some bigger like me – ultimately the common thread, when it comes down brass tacks is masculinity and acceptance.

Thinking about lifting this afternoon with boys troy and nico, and looking around the gym, I had a good chuckle thinking about this and how recently I had not wanted to be in a gym with others around.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged.  I was comfortable, in a weird way, felt like home.  I’ve not felt that in a long time.

I love what Wikipedia says about the topic:

• Masculinity (also called boyhood, manliness or manhood) is a set of attributes, behaviors and roles generally associated with boys and men
• Masculinity is socially constructed, but made up of both socially-defined and biologically-created factors distinct from the definition of the male biological sex

Did I really just figure out that the common thread with every guy that’s at the gym is working through their own fucked up sense of what masculinity is?  Well, I figure the social construct that *I* created and have been creating in my head has been doing a few things including putting myself down and being judgemental in my own head.

I have no doubt that most men out there, whoever they are, have a fucked up sense of masculinity and we all question ourselves.  All we can do is learn to be more self aware over time, and also learn to be true to ourselves.