“Are you out at work?”
“As a gay man, yes…”
This was my favourite question asked during the interview portion of ILSb, and I am glad that I was asked this question. It is something I have struggled with greatly and I have felt some degree of shame on both sides. I’ll explain a bit more later.
I have watched a number of titleholders in awe with how out they are, as Leathermen, in their offices. Some of their co-workers attending various contests, etc…
I have been in my current position with a Bay Area company for 5 years and 2 months and I am highly regarded and respected by my peers. Working in a Bay Area company, there are a number of gay people – men and women, of all shapes and sizes – in the San Francisco office. Still, as far as I know, I am the only gay man in my office in Toronto. There are, I believe, two lesbians in the office.
I came out as a gay man within five minutes of walking in the office. One of my coworkers who implied that she was quite gay positive and had several gay friends, had built up enough trust with me that I decided to take a step further and be more open with her. I came out as a Leatherman and being in a polyamorous relation.
From that time which was about 4 years ago to December of last year, every time we worked together, it felt like it was being held over my head in some degree. I felt a deep shame that I had created an HR violation in being too out, and at some degree I take responsibility for that. At the same time, I don’t need it held over my head.
It got to the point that I was extremely uncomfortable in the work environment and I decided to leave the company. I landed a new job, with same pay in Downtown Toronto.
I called my Manager and Senior Manager into a meeting and told them I was leaving the company.
The next thing that happened surprised me. My Senior Manager called bullshit – using those words directly, and asked me for more details and gave me 24 hours to change my mind. I was clear that I was not making a move for monetary reasons and that it had to do with dynamics on the team.
Those where the longest 24 hours in my life. I was literally shaking and knew that I pretty much had to come out with how uncomfortable I had been feeling due to the reaction of my co-worker to one of my own actions. In short, I had to come out as a Leatherman at work again.
I had a one hour meeting with my Senior Manager during which I took in a deep breath and explained to him what had been going on, that I was a Leatherman, that I take responsibility for possibly making one of my coworkers uncomfortable but at the same time she kept on pushing to get to know me. We had a great talk about minorities – he happens to be from the Caribbean; and we also talked about so-called invisible minorities. He was completely accepting of me.
Needless to say, I stayed with the company and had to decline the offer from the other company. I feel I made the right decision.
A few more details I left out during the interview, that I just realized:
- Since that time I came out to two more co-workers as Eastern Canada Leatherboy
- They both know that I was in San Francisco for ILSb and were rooting for Sir and me
- They both know that I am in a polyamourous relationship
- Two more co-workers know I am in a polyamourous relationship and are cool with it. They’ve seen ‘some of the interesting photos in my Facebook’, to quote.
- There was an incident where I had dropped one of the ECLSb business cards that Sir and I have on the floor at work. One of my co-workers was looking at it. OOPS! No issues have come from that.
I feel fortunate for being able to be out a bit more at work and I can be more of myself and not worry about what others think. At the same time, I don’t think everyone needs to know what I am into.
When I got back to the office on Wendesday, I was told my the co-worker that I had issues with, that she is leaving and that her last day is August 12th, 2011. I wish her much luck and happiness in her new position.
Much thanks to the judge who asked this question. I now have the courage to tell this story publicly.