I’ve been thinking for a long time about heavy scene play and how we process those scenes.  I know some guys go into scenes with some degree of bravado to see how much they can take.  Others go into the scene to transcend.  Others might go into the scene with a sense of service to be used by their dom.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to be flogged by Master Tony (International LeatherSIR 2009) at one of the Rough House parties at Steamworks.  It had been some time since I had a good flogging and I really needed it.

Over the course of the time W/we played, Master Tony beat my nuts, spanked my ass, and flogged my back.  It felt great and I liked the energy created between U/us.

The reaction from the onlookers was, for me, an interesting part of the full experience.  See, I’m one of those guys who loves to cry in a good scene.  There is nothing like feeling a flogger on my back, feeling that build up to transcending and letting it all out.   You could almost call it devine.

Seeing a 6ft3, 275lb man tearing up and crying – it either does two things; evokes within you the desire to see that man cry even more (if you’re a sadist) or you want to run away because seeing a grown man cry evokes uncomfortable emotions that you don’t know how to process.  The latter is how most of the guys watching the scene at Steamworks reacted – they bolted.

I can appreciate that.  I’ve seen a few grown men cry in my life, and I can appreciate how uncomfortable it can be.  On the flip side, tears are something to be expected, depending on the person we may be playing with and the type of scene, in what we do as Leathermen.  It all depends on context.

In a heavy scene like that I can go down one of two paths.  You can hear me yell out my famous and loud, “Fuck you!”; or I cry with a big smile on my face.

I have to admit, when I go into the headspace of “Fuck you!”, the scene is not really all that satisfying for me.  It actually takes me down a bit of a dark path from a previous time in my life.  Not that I don’t want to remember, but I’ve changed so much from that period, it’s just not a place I wish to visit again.  It’s not a positive headspace for me.  Not that it couldn’t be a good place for someone else – I respect that and I know it can be pretty hot seeing some grunting and swearing their head off.

Crying just feels so much better to me.  It’s releasing the stresses I’ve had over a period of time.  During the scene, for me, it was cleansing and it was a great release, very cathartic.  I certainly was not being harmed, I was there on my own accord, and I truly enjoyed the scene.  Anyone who saw me after would have seen me bouncing down the hall way with a big ass grin and a smile on my face.  For me, watching this happen to someone else can be just as hot as the hard grunting and swearing.

Imagine being bound to a cross, being hit with a range of paddles – begging, “Keep on going, keep going, I’m almost there”, and getting a standing ovation at a play party as you start bawling your eyes out and the paddle breaking on your ass.  This is among one of my proudest moments as a boy.

Expressing emotions is very important to me.  As men (and this also happens to women), we’re often taught to repress our true feelings.  I encourage anyone to step beyond their comfort zone and get in touch with their inner emotions, to learn to be comfortable with them.