I am a care taker and a fixer personality.  I do my best to take care of people.  I’ve been doing this from the age of 13.

I learned to take care of myself and my own needs, taking control of how and where I get cared for.  Unfortunately, with that experience of not feeling I could ask to be taken care of, and especially at that time of not being taken care of when I should have had that support, I learned to take care of myself.  

35 years later I’m realizing the degree to which that has impacted me and my ability to ask to be taken care of, and letting others in.

Me constantly giving has been my call for, “I want to be taken care of” too.  Don’t get me wrong, I actually do enjoy taking care of others, and will continue to do so, though, it should be mutual instead of one-way and not to the point of no capacity, to the detriment of myself.

I’m at a point where I want and need to let others in, I want to ask to be taken care of however that looks – simple stuff, the basics, such as just being held – to feel that affection – the anxiety of asking for it and the fear of rejection shuts me down. I’m afraid of that.

There’s a part of me that’s tired of asking, I just want someone to take the reins and, for once, or even simply ask me, “What can I do for you?”.  I want to be confident in that I can actually say, ‘This is what I want and this is what I need” without that fear and anxiety.  I’m often doing it for others, why aren’t they doing it for me – OR – what am I actually missing because i don’t recognize that people may, in fact, already be doing this for me.

Is my head really that deep in the sand? 

I don’t know how to ask for it – yet I know I can ask for it; I don’t know how to ask for affection – yet I know that all I have to do is to speak up; I want to be seen, and yet, I know people see me, I know people love me.  I’ve only just been able to see how people love me, and actually accept it – for example, my partner before me heading home saying, “Get home safely” in his Dad voice.  It threw me for a loop and initially my walls went up but then I realized that was his way of showing me love because he values and cares for me, and I was able to accept and I deeply appreciate that intimate moment.

It’s a level of intimacy I want to experience and share, and I sort of have, but really letting it out and letting go is scary.  I hold it tight as many of us do.

With being so hungry for it, with the anxiety, I can come across self centred and at times selfish.  When you’re in that deep, it can be really really hard to communicate effectively and I know I’m doing my best to say, “Hey!  I’m here and this is what I need”, and I know I’m holding myself back to the frustration of my partners.  

I often feel alone, despite being with people, despite my amazing family around me – my husband, my boys, and my partner.  Not uncommon for people who are care takers.

The anxiety I’ve been living with leads me to completely misinterpret people’s actions – the opposite of what is truly intended and I’ve had to actually ask, “Do you actually mean…” to challenge my understanding and world view.  It hurts, greatly, and even more I hate having to ask at times, but it feels like I am hurting my partners in the process and it’s just another strike against me.  I hope they realize that I’m healing and getting better each time I ask and open up. 

Someone asked me recently, if I felt like I was entitled to and deserving of love, relationship, and connection.  That hit hard.  I sometimes feel like I’m not deserving of any of it – when I know damn well I am worthy and deserving.  I push down my needs, saying I don’t matter, constantly putting myself and self care with it, letting my anxieties take over.

I want to stop the ups and downs of the rollercoaster I’ve been on, and I want to be more consistent and settled.

I have a much better understanding of what has happened in certain points of my life.  Spaces and relationships that were once considered ‘safe’, perceiving being rejected and my needs not being met, becoming ‘insecure’ and the insecurities that come with it. 

I want to feel secure in my relationships. I need to be secure in knowing where I stand.  I no longer want to be that nomad searching for my place.  I want to be able to interpret how people show me love as love and appreciation.

I’m tired of love being transactional, but it’s all I’ve ever known.  I’ve had a taste of what true love and the connection that comes with it, and it feels amazing.