Where do I start talking about 2019? Growth, and finding myself.

As I wrote on New Years Eve on Facebook, ask me a year ago where I’d be a year later and I can pretty much tell you the picture was very different. 

Little did I know the connections with people I would make. Tell me I’d be levelling up my kink, fetish, and D/s experience in a big way, I’d have laughed at, yet here I am with a very very different world view. 

It seems that every 7 years I am given an opportunity to get away, get some time to myself and that leads to some good epiphanies and changes – UK 95/96; California 03; Uruguay 12; EU 19/20. Where next in 2027?

It’s been a tough year with the travel and being away from my family – especially Scott and boy john who have missed me, and whom I have missed. A lot of people have supported us in the past year and I am very fortunate to have that support in my life – the definition of brotherhood to me and that has made my year that much better, and contributed more than you know. Thank you!

January and February started with some rumblings about a project in Europe, specifically the United Kingdom and I was approached to be a significant part of that project. Admittedly, not only was it getting me out of management, which I was hating, it was getting me overseas back to the UK – somewhere I’ve wanted and actually needed to get back to.

Sitting with a friend back then, someone I admire who has been encouraging me in rubber, we got talking about the Toronto scene. I actually felt somewhat embarrassed – I was no longer connected to the scene in Toronto. Sure, I do know what some of the events are and who I can go to, but I just wasn’t engaged and in many respects not interested. Kink was a chore in many respects and I didn’t feel people were all that genuine.

I wouldn’t say my kink life was going nowhere, after all I have a boy wearing my collar, a Sir and a Daddy; but still, things were stagnant. boy john came into my life almost three years ago as of the writing of this blog entry and completely caught me off guard after seven years of not having a sub. While I was open to having a sub, I wasn’t actively looking and honestly down in the dumps and really struggling with my confidence.

It was clear that I needed something to rejuvenate myself, so with this change in my job I made a commitment to myself – to go to Leather bars in Europe and to check out as many events as possible, and that I did.

March I made a visit up to Master Chuck where we fixed my Erostek ET-312. WOOHOO! We are back in the e-stim game.

My first stop in London was Soho and specifically, Regulation where I picked up some new rubber. Ah rubber, it’s hard to find in Eastern Canada unless you get custom work done.

April I headed to Smokeout in Vegas, where I reconnected with a bunch of people I’ve known either in person or online. I had the good fortune to spend a fair bit of time with Daddy Gary and Jonathan – two people I admire.

My second work trip of the year was extended by an extra week, so of course, I had to spend time in Berlin for Easter. I kicked off that weekend in London in a sleepsack.

Getting back to Berlin, though I wasn’t sure what to expect as I’ve not cared that much for large Leather events. Berlin was transformative, as I’ve written already. It truly is the event that kick started the sleeping giant.

In May, I visited Sir, a chance to connect before a rather long stretch in the UK and Europe.

June, I visited Newcastle and ended up switching with a rather hot Leather Bear – bring on bondage, boots, butts and Andrew planting, “You should join BLUF.” in my brain. I did a double take and said, “WHAT?!”

A hot man that I’ve lusted over as an Instagram crush told me that I was “good enough” for BLUF. I say “good enough” because I never thought I was “good enough” and that despite no one ever saying that I wasn’t good enough. It’s funny the games we make up in our heads.

I never really thought about it, but yeah, I do have an interest in leather uniforms, uniforms in general and I had enough of the gear to join – I’ve had it since I ran for International Leatherboy. You’ll find me as BLUF# 1862.

In Europe, I was realizing that I have access to the gear I’m interested in, that I simply don’t have access to in Toronto. I really have been like a kid in a candy store.

I would say it really was by June where a transformation was starting to happen.

July involved a trip back home to Toronto, London for London Fetish Week – Recon Fetish Party, Pup Night; and a visit to Paris where I picked up my first piece of neoprene; back to London for my first taste of The Backstreet and buying my first sleep sack.

I significantly updated my uniform with a biker jacket – damn you Anna at Northbound! That jacket off the rack just had to fit! In all seriousness, that jacket has become a statement and in some respects a travel companion.

Mid-July I attended Mastery at The Backstreet with Daddy Dave – A night that’s well worth going to. Hell, that bar is a gem and one of the last of it’s kind in the world.

At the end fo July, I walked all over Edinburgh in my Jobmasters, and marched at Mardigla in Glasgow, as well attending the Glasgow Leathermen Social. Thank you Fraser for connecting me in Scotland!

Scott came over and we spent time in Cardiff, London, Kent, and Paris. I also made sure he had a chance to visit The Backstreet, where we spent time with the lovely Darren who had been quite helpful since the start of my time in the UK.

August saw me head to Manchester where I finally had a chance to meet a wonderful doggo/pup/boy that has since become a significant part of my time in the UK, Andrew. While I’ve spent time as “Sir” and “Daddy”, this was my first real significant time in the role of “Handler”. Check out The Moodybear for all your t-shirt needs!

August is also the time for the SLAGMen run in Sudbury. The neoprene sleep sack was quite popular, and I had a chance to be part of a fun sounding scene. God I love making guys moan that way!

In September, my boy john visited the UK on an epic 36 hour trip that included a visit to various fetish shops and The Backstreet. In that one evening I was able to do, well, a lot! Oil drums will never be the same for either of us ever again. 😈 More importantly, we connected deeper.

I also learned that a tie clip can complete the look of a uniform.

September also meant Folsom Europe with the pup and to get to know him better. It was a great social time together that I wouldn’t change, It is also the biggest fetish event I had ever been to. I will also say the vibe in Europe is so different from that in the United States. If we could do away with the politics and just enjoy each other’s time together…

At the end of September, I got our leather family out to The Eagle for our first fetish night in a long time. #Useitorloseit

October saw me at Manchester Leather Weekend seeing almost everyone that I had connected with since March in one place. Manchester struck a chord with me in 2008 and really has become a bit of a spiritual fetish home for me.

October also saw my first visit in service to Sir with my boy, john. The weekend was a lot of fun, hot and significant. I had asked Sir if I could purchase my first officer cap during the summer, mainly given the significance of that means within His Leather family. I was given permission, and Sir covered me that weekend as a Sir within His family.

The end of October saw me in Amsterdam Leather Pride, which was a lower key event for me as I was spending time with Master Dave’s Leather family – always wonderful to see them and spend time with everyone, and the pup. The pup was pinned into Mama’s Family as “Mama’s Kinky Disco Gnome”.

I do have to say a sub or bottom laughing from a hard flogging I’m giving makes my heart sing, it gives me a big smile and makes me want to hit harder. 😊

As we get into the latter part of the year, kink has taken a bit of a back seat – for November and I ended up being in Manchester for Pre-hibearnation, Belfast with slave Joe, Toronto; and then December saw me in Nottingham to order some new rubber; Manchester overnight and then a weekend in London before heading back to Toronto and Vancouver Island for the holidays.

I have to admit, the two weeks on Vancouver Island were challenging – I’m very much missing getting geared up and playing vanilla really isn’t working for me. Admittedly, my leather jacket has been a safety blanket for me. Wow, I have changed.

So that’s what I did and who I met, so what am I really feeling and reflecting on?

I’ve been given a gift here, a gift to travel cheaply and I’m not going to waste that opportunity.

I used to dislike the term ‘fetish’ as I didn’t feel that it represented me, however, having my eyes opened to it, it actually does fit and I am a lot more comfortable in using the term to describe one aspect of what I am into.

I have dabbled a lot in being a lot more ‘out there’ in terms of my fetishes and experiences on Instagram, and I think the lesson I have learned, once again, is what you put out there you receive back in spades. While I have very much appreciated the complements and kudos, the main reason I put myself out there was to learn to be a lot more comfortable in my own skin and build self acceptance. It worked.

I decided to do photo shoots with Dari from D81, Joshi and Bear Hotel this year. Fetish photography is quite a big thing in Europe and Dari had suggested he wanted to take pictures of me, so why not. The photos were eye opening for me, because of some of the body image issues I’ve had that I have been working hard to put to rest, and the body dysmorphia I live with. I will always carry those with me, and went through a particularly bad spell of self criticism this holiday period, that I’m coming out of; but for the most part, I’m where I want to be, and wow, those images were spectacular.

If this makes any sense, my heart is opening up – it’s the only way I can describe it. I’m smiling a lot more, I’m happier and there’s a bounce in my step. I also have cried quite a few tears of gratitude as I head back to Newbury or Toronto from various trips, for the experiences I’ve been provided, and the people I have met and spent quality time with – after coming from a few years where I have felt emotionally locked up.

The way I see it, when you work on yourself and build yourself up, then you have capacity and the tools to help and contribute positively to other people’s lives.

I have also been dealing with the question of identity. While I am Master Chuck’s boy, and while there is still a need for being in boy-space to create balance; where only a few short years ago I’d say I was 75% sub and 25% dominant, the balance has shifted 75% dominant and 25% submissive. I am more interested in exploring my dom-space and building that up. I have had a significant boost of confidence over the past few months which I have needed. Truly – when you have fantastic submissives around it makes that experience as Sir that more enjoyable even when challenges arise, it’s not draining.

This blog as “Leatherboy iain” no longer feels right and my identity as”Leatherboy iain’ has changed significantly. I do feel like there needs to be a shift to be more representative of who I am these days, and where I’m headed. On Instagram I purposely chose “LthrIain” as my handle, but even that doesn’t totally capture the essence of who I am. There’s a lot more to me – something I’ve always known and others have acknowledged. This is done with Master Chuck’s blessing as well.

I think there will always be sub component to me. There will always be those men I look at and will want to submit to. There have always been men that I have looked at, who I want to have submit to me should they also desire to serve me.

2020 I know is going to be a year of even more growth – as they say if you’re not learning, you’re dead. Mid-Atlantic Leather in DC, Easter in Berlin, Manchester Rubberman Weekend, and Pride in Helsinki. Weekends in Venice, Paris and Amsterdam are on order, as well more time at The Backstreet. I have no idea where this year is taking me and the people around me, but I’m looking forward to it.

Tonight I wore my first piece of leather to a work function.  I bought that first piece around 2000 when I was working at my first processional job as a software developer for a well known Canadian telecommunications provider that spectacularly went down the shitter a few short years ago.

The context for purchasing that piece of leather was, well, I wanted a leather vest, and particularly a bar vest.  There was this hot, tall, black haired man who I used to see at The Toolbox and I admired the vest he often wore with plaid shirts – classic Bear/Leatherbear look.

I had won an award at work, $100, to spend anywhere I wanted.  I had won a $50 gift certificate at The Toolbox courtesy of Arktos from Ohio when they did a bar night.  This was back when Leather and Bear clubs took the time to travel to other cities, create a weekend of hot debauchery, and fundraising for local ASOs, or other causes.

Needless to say, off I went to Northbound and ordered my vest.  I expensed the $100 back to the company – Northbound receipt and all.  No one batted an eye.

I’m not sure it was the same model vest that hot man was wearing, but what I got was what I wanted.

I’ve worn leather at work before.  Several years ago at my last job, I dressed in full Leather for Hallowe’en as BIker Daddy Iain and his hog, Harley – a stuffed pig I got when I worked for Canada’s Wonderland over 20 years ago.

Some of you know about my challenges of coming out to a co-worker as a Leatherman and her not taking it well, kind of holding it over my head, nearly quitting the company, and learning that my senior manager doesn’t care – and nor should he, especially since it enhances who i am in my job.  And needless to say, being in a service industry, speaks heaps from my heart.

I felt empowered tonight, I felt confident, I felt strong wearing my vest.  It turned a few heads and a few people said that I looked very classy.  It’s not like that piece would have been inappropriate for the event – it is a classy vest.

Despite reducing the size of it – when i lost my weight two years ago, it has not lost any of it’s “power”.  If anything, it’s more empowering.

And once again, my Leather heart sang and burst out in a place that where in the past it has felt the need to remain closeted.  A huge step for me.

That vest means so much to me.