COVID, physical distancing, and everything related to the new reality is starting to really get to me and while I’m aware enough of my mental health to realise this, I am feeling situational depression and apathy settling in. It’s taking a lot for me to get into my gear, to light up my pipe, and just enjoy being in that space.

I had a hell of an 8 week period where COVID was very much in the background from the beginning of March to the end of May between dealing with three weeks of food poisoning, the decline and eventual passing of my mother due to a fall and head trauma, and then the passing of our cat, Shadow. They say things like this happen in threes.

I got through April and May with attending a few virtual meet ups – direct with friends, Beareoke, Leathermen Scotland, Manchester Leathermen and more recently, Kamikaze Karaoke.

I have been focused on a music project that I’ve mostly completed, but realised that it would be best to write two more tracks to complete the album to swap out two covers. I’m fine with this, and completed one of the two tracks. The second track is proving difficult to write, and it’s pushing me hard. It will be epic, but I admit, I’m feeling a bit tired of this project. I just want it to be done.

Work has been over the top busy due to the timing of where we’re at in the project, and it’s been exhausting.

I digress. I’ve pulled back and gotten a bit insular recently, more so over the past to weeks. I know I can be a bit of an enigma keeping things to myself. My hobbies of music production, making stuff with a 3D printer and tech (Arduino, Raspberry Pi) beyond my interests in BDSM, Leather and Rubber can be pretty solo.

Zoom meetings cause me to zone out. 16 years of consulting using WebEx, Teams, Skype, Google Hangouts and now Zoom wears on you. While chats and Karaoke are fun, I admit I’m finding it hard to dig deep and make efforts the past two weeks. When I do, typically it’s been solo activities because I’m capitalizing on, “I have the energy and desire!”.

This weekend would have been Pride weekend, my 23rd anniversary with my husband, and my 3rd anniversary of collaring my boy. We’d be proudly strutting our stuff down Church St seeing friends and extended family of choice. One more thing that’s been taken away from us due to COVID.

I’ve been sad with not having my subs around – although three to four weeks ago we did open up the bubble to my boy – more below. I am also very much missing getting sub time to help reset me, which I occasionally need.

My husband has had two of his subs here at Casa Ursus isolating with us. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been fantastic having them here as they add a bit of colour to our day, they have been making great meals, working on laundry and helping us with various tasks although in a smaller space, four of us can sometimes step on each other’s toes. They have been helpful and I appreciate them.

In recent weeks, we opened a bubble to include my boy for a few reasons:

• he was in hospital with chest pains,
• while we understood the need too be distant, him being an extrovert and very tactile and missing his husband and me was causing a considerable amount of stress,
• a week after we opened the bubble, the government gave the okay for family bubbles of up to 10 people to open up.

Since opening up the bubble, he’s been helping to get me out, walking and such. However, he’s now back isolating for two weeks as his husband was able to come up from the United States for two weeks. While isolation is a pain for all of us, this is a very good thing for the boy and his husband and I’m very glad he is getting the time he more than needs.

While my boy is mostly sorted out, it’s been very hard being long distant with my pup. The distance is probably the one things I am most upset about, and as I write this, I’m crying and letting out the emotions I’ve not been able to get out. The food poisoning episode sure as hell didn’t help the end of my last trip to see him, and now, as I write this it’s been 16 weeks, 112 days since we last saw each other in person.

The travel I had been doing for the past year was expected to run until December 2020. During that time I was planning on spending some significant time with him, also bring my boy over to the UK so they both could meet in August.

While we would have to figure out, navigate and foster a long distance connection, I wasn’t expecting to have to do it so soon. This hurts a huge amount. I’m angry over the situation COVID has presented because there’s so much I want to do and give and I can’t. An opportunity lost to the history books of pandemics.

The distancing prior to the bubble opening up between the boy and me, and the distance between the pup and had me has me in a place where I don’t know how to navigate the dynamic. I’m not sure most of us know as we’re figuring it out as we go along.

The distance between Sir and me has been a bit less of a challenge as I’ve focused on subs in my life, though I’m maintaining connection with our usual morning greeting and occasional video. Sir has also had a very busy work period. Still the question has been posed to Him – What would be the acceptable risk, what would be the criteria for U/us to get together again. I’ll be asking the pup the same question.

The distance between Daddy Dave and me has also had it’s challenges as he’s gone through a lot of change over the past year as well. It will be a long time before he travels or I get to California.

COVID is not something you want. The potential long-term issues it raises as a blood disease rather than just a respiratory issue are scary.

Seeing what’s happening in the United States does not make me want to visit that country anytime soon. I fear for friends, family and family of choice. The fact that L-1s are currently on hold stops me from travelling there for work. Possibly a blessing in disguise at one level, but possibly scary at another as an excuse to lock down the border and create walls given the current administration.

Seeing the irresponsibility of what’s happening in the United Kingdom, it is just going to delay my ability to get back to the UK for both work and pleasure, and I really want to get back there and see my friends and new family. While statistics are on the decline which is good, I’m hoping the stupidity of people going to the beach does not cause a massive spike. We’ll know in another week and a half.

You can be guaranteed that people will be left wondering why is there another massive spike in COVID-19 cases – because of the COVIdiots!

COVID has taken away our ability to interact with each other at the intimate levels we’re used to as kinksters. Intimacy is a basic human need and it’s something that I have come to appreciate through the pandemic.

I hope the world learns from this. I hope we can get back to some normalcy despite expected changes. I hope we can travel and be as intimate again.

This has been cathartic to get out, however there’s still something inside me that’s saying I still need an outlet – getting out, doing something social and I don’t know what it is. I often get this way when I’m at home in general even without COVID.

I guess when I’m on the road, I’m so used to going places and seeing new things. Despite Ontario opening up to stage two of isolation guidelines, I’m still of the thought – stay home as much as possible and if you do go out, wear a fucking mask.

I’ve asked Scott and the boys, “Can we do something together on Wednesday or Thursday?” as this Wednesday is Canada Day which is a statutory (bank) holiday, and I have Thursday off for PTO.