“I don’t want to lose you.”, I said with tears in my eyes in December 2020, and thus started a journey of hard work, healing, connection and learning heaps about being in relationship.

You can’t help but learn heaps about yourself when in relationship, especially when you start new relationships whether poly, mono, open, etc.

We get comfortable in our existing relationships that have we’ve been in for a while, right? We get used to each other and accept things as they are. I know Scott and I certainly have in our 25 year relationship.

Recently getting into a triad and navigating poly dynamics, I’ve learned an huge amount about myself that I wanted to share that may be worth considering in your own situation.

I don’t think this is just limited to poly dynamics, but whenever someone starts a new relationship, I think you learn regardless of the context.

Vulnerability
Vulnerability is important in relationship on several levels and it can be really scary, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past and hold things close.

For example thinking, I can’t say something, I can’t open up because I might hurt the other person, repressing my feelings and thinking that I don’t matter, that my needs don’t matter – much of this was all about being afraid of being vulnerable.

By being vulnerable you not only show an aspect of who you are but you give others a chance to show who they are.

Do they want the same kind of relationship as you or generally on the same page? Are they supportive when you’re processing?  Do they listen?  Do they acknowledge and validate you, but also do they give insights that build you up?  Do you do the same for them?

Being open allows your partners to better understand you and to create a connection that may not normally be there – I have a much deeper connection with my partners and it also helped me to be better at ease with myself.

Even if it goes the other way, where others are not wanting what you want, you’re still one step closer to understanding what you and they want in relationship and finding those that will be more in sync.

Communication
I’ve had to be straight up with myself and with all of my partners. This meant having some really uncomfortable discussions, always with sensitivity or doing my best to be sensitive. It’s also meant that we’re on the same page. Everyone knows where they are at, and what kind of relationship we want to build, and bringing closure to situations or even relationships.

Calling out that you’re doing your best to communicate and that you may say something muddled, awkwardly, etc., does help and goes a long way. Scott and I have used this approach for years as I’m not always the most articulate when faced with needing to communicate something uncomfortable.

Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy will rear their ugly head. In my instance, a lot of this was and is related to societal programming, and triggers we have from past hurt and pain. Much of it was also around repressing my needs and wants, putting myself second and a long time issue around thinking I don’t matter; and then trying to dig out of that when I had needs and realized that I actually do matter.

It’s funny how, at least in the poly and open case, that societal programming almost suggests that we should feel jealousy and envy, also that fear of missing out which is complete bollocks.

We got through it by listening to each other, being gentle with each other, showing each other that the opposite of what our brains is telling us is what we want; being open to hearing the other out, and not being defensive, but considering how we may have been, our interpretations and perceptions. That space was created to just be with our emotions.

People often say they hate the concept of perception, but it’s clear that one person’s reality shaped by our experiences, is not going to be someone else’s experience shaped by their own reality, hence perception. You can’t ignore this fact.

Compersion, the opposite of jealousy is such a neat feeling. That feeling of genuine joy when partners get to experience something together and you’re not with them. We all feeling considerably closer as a result.

Triggers
I used to think that triggers were about repressing myself, i.e. I triggered someone else and as result I had to curtail something about myself rather than the other party learning something about themselves. I’ve dealt with this for a good portion of my life and after 47 years, I got to the point where something had to change because not everything is my fault and I’m not the one that always has to change, watch myself, etc – feelings I carried with me for a long time.

After being triggered myself and triggering one of my partners, we had a really good talk about this and realized that it’s often more about the triggered person having to work through something. This was a huge lesson for me.

They also didn’t mean to trigger me and with the things they came to me with, it wasn’t something that they would have known was a trigger, but it did. It’s not their fault.

While, yes, I triggered one of my partners, I didn’t do so intentionally and I didn’t even known that trigger existed in them. It opened up an opportunity to learn from each other, and an opportunity for my partner to heal as we create a space for that out of our commitments. As a result we’re a lot closer and understand each other much better.

Triggers can sometimes compound – One of my partners inadvertently hit on a bunch of my triggers spiking my anxiety in the midsts of “New Relationship Energy”; and it was difficult to dig out from all of them, but we were able to together with respect, compassion, and love.

Again, being vulnerable, opening up and having partners I could trust to be sensitive and supportive went a long way. Having someone to help provide a space and reassurance to get through a trigger is always welcome. It speaks volumes about their desire to be connected to you in the way they support you.

Also important is the desire to get to the bottom of behaviours and that commitment to work on the issues. I was ready to sort things out as was my partner.

Anxiety
I’ve learned about how anxiety has presented itself in my life. Much because of being on the receiving end of jealousy, envy and triggers for a considerably long time. I repressed myself and my needs so much that, for example, when I went to play with my boy, I couldn’t. I was frozen and totally in my head.

My anxiety would spike considerably and very much hit a head last year and it’s something I had dealt with for years, presenting itself as relationship anxiety and performance anxiety. I questioned myself – a lot of what ifs, what’s wrong with me, am I broken; and statements like I must be broken, I must be the one to blame, it’s all my fault.

For me, anxiety was a symptom of things I needed to learn and did learn from the above points.

As time has gone on and I’ve healed, I am a lot more at ease with myself. I can recognize patterns, my performance anxiety is subsiding and I am a lot more connected.

The result of the work I’ve done on myself and that partners of mine have done on themselves has set the stage for making all of my relationships considerably stronger than they ever were.