Monthly Archives: May 2012

A sad day for kink

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This is probably going to be one of the more important blog entries that I will ever write, and I hope that many of my readers and even those who just pass through will stop, pause, think and get something out of this.

As some of you may have learned –  the kink scene in Toronto, Ontario, Canada and I’m going to even say the world, has lost someone who I feel was an important contributor to the world of rubber and kink however you identify.

Matt of Kink Engineering was, I think, an amazing man in our community.  Sadly, at the age of 35, he passed away accidently doing what he loved – his passion for kink and rubber in his amazingly geeky way.  This is a man who loved what he did and chose to make a life out of it all.

To Archean and the Kink Engineering staff I send much love to all of you.  I can’t even begin to understand the senselessness of the situation.

I met Matt and Archean through KinkDan and had a chance to visit their studio twice.  What an amazing rubber-geek heaven.  Matt was so passionate about what he did, combining engineering, science and kink.  It got me thinking that, “Wow, here is a couple who is not only loving life, but doing what they wanted.  Scared given that they were starting to make a living off of Kink Engineering, but you’ve gotta give it your best shot.”  Just wow.

Matt and Archean also were presenting at the Festival Kinky de Montréal when I presented a CBT seminar, and I am very much smiling over having been put in the famous H. Kitty vac bed they had.  I loved how passionate they were for their kink, and giving people experiences to give it a shot.  Always appreciated and infections.  That helped when I was at a low time in my own kink life.  Thank you for bringing some light to me at that time.

I wish we could have interacted more and I appreciate everything you have done for rubber, kink and the general community.  You will be sadly missed Matt.

 

Hats of to Kink Engineering for being up front and brutally honest about what happened.  While some may criticize, I think you have done a good service to the community – muchos kudos a todos!

Along with Kink Engineering, I am choosing to link to the note that KE posted on their blog because I think it’s important that people know the dangers of experimenting by yourself when it involves breath play, asphyxiation, tying stuff around your neck.

To be clear – I have no idea if Matt was in a solo play situation or testing new equipment for play.  It sounds like the latter.  Either way, hats off to Matt for doing what he loved – and I don’t mean that to take away from the gravity of the situation nor show disrespect to Matt.

I am going to use two key quotes from the blog entry that I think are vital for people to understand.  The second is much later in this post, but the first I will use talked about the biological reactions that happen when the throat is constricted too tight – to quote:

The baro receptors in his internal carotid arteries signaled to his body that his blood pressure was dangerously high, and this sent off a vagal response to slow the heart.  Since the signal of high blood pressure could not be relieved, Matt lost consciousness and the vagal response caused his heart to stop completely.

It is vital to understand the mechanics of the body.

 

For the remainder of this blog entry, I want to address the importance of safety when constricting the neck.  I am not going to cover the ‘hows’, while I have been involved in scenes as a bottom, I do not feel qualified to talk about the ‘hows’ and I know I could use more information.   I am fortunate for the education I already have received over the years in this play, so that I can play that much safer and still have a hot time.

 

I love breath play.

I know I have some majorly deep fantasies about breath play.

There’s nothing like feeling someone else’s arm around my throat as they’re on top of me, fucking me deep, knowing they’re in control, feeling their arm hairs and a cock spasming in me as Sir cums, my cock rock hard as I blow my load, spewing string of cum after string of cum, who knows how violently out of my cock.

Something around my throat to hold me down in a gangster scene.  I’ve been there and it’s fucking hot and scary at the same time.

Feeling the gasket of a rubber vac bed, feeling that tightness around my neck and body as the vacuum sucks down and holds me in place.

Holding my breath in some way when jacking off.

Hell, I’d love to experience being KOed while being fucked and coming through with someone relentlessly fucking my ass in a sling.

I’ve also been KOed unintentionally, in a scene with someone because I relaxed so much.  While it was hot for both of us, I also know it was also potentially scary if for any reason I did not come through.  I also remember the “funky chicken” as I shook when coming through and the slight disorientation not realizing what happened.

Some of these are not practical but it’s hot to fantasize about it and why shouldn’t we be able to fantasize about these kinds of things?

We all know that we shouldn’t do it alone and while it may be hot to put that tourniquet, rope, whatever tool around our throats alone when we jack off – it’s not safe.  We’ve lost too many people in this world that way.

Please, please, please do let someone know what you’re doing so you can be monitored to make sure you are safe.  Even if you’re experienced as Matt was, just let someone know  or have them participate.  If you’re trying something new or experimenting, talk it through with someone and have someone there.  If you can, eroticize having that second person, go for it!

Please do get training if you are interested in learning about how to safely do breath control play or if you’re a bottom and want to understand safety and body reactions.  For example  the trachea could be crushed in a scene gone wrong.

People are doing it, out there, right now.  This is why we need to be able to talk about advanced play scenes – 300 and 400 level play if you will.  Someone has to be able to teach it and there has to be an avenue for this kind of education.  To the people that say there is too much risk in teaching such classes, I think there is too much risk in not disseminating the education.

If you’re cocky, and not saying Matt was, but that’s even more of an alarm to get a refresher.  You could have all the safety equipment in the world – but to quote the KE blog:

Had there been a person to assist outside the vac bed, they would have been able to get him out at the first sign of trouble or non-responsiveness.  All Matt’s safety contingency plans relied on him still being conscious enough to implement them, and thus, they were useless.

I step off my soapbox.

I don’t know if this is an appropriate song or not… it just feels right.

 

Rochester Rams Run

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Rams Run Poster

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ROCHESTER RAMS 2012 RUN – “THE SCENE”

AUGUST 24-26, 2012

The Rochester Rams are pleased to announce our plans for our 37th anniversary run, “The Scene” to be held August 24-26, 2012 at our secluded campsite located 45 miles west of Rochester, NY.

Our run fee is all-inclusive featuring

  • All meals
  • All beverages
  • Snacks and sandwiches available round-the-clock
  • Motorcycle tour of Western NY’s beautiful lake country
  • Supervised Play Area
  • Selected Fantasy Fulfillment
  • Clothing Optional Pool and Campsite
  • Plenty of brotherhood and good times

 

Housing

We have limited bunkhouse space available.  Preference will be given out-of-town motorcyclists and men with special needs.   There is space for RVs and although we can provide electric power, we have no water hookups.   There is plenty of room for tents!   For more information about housing at the run site, you can contact rams@rochesterrams.com  

 

Food

The Rams pride themselves on providing the best meals of any run around!   We also provide sandwich foods and snacks round-the-clock for those late-night players.  We are fully equipped to plan for those with any special dietary needs.

 

The run fee includes beer, soda and water.  Several clubs host cocktail parties throughout the weekend as well!

 

Travel and Equipment

If you are a local motorcyclist and need help getting your camping equipment to the run site, have no worries!  The Rams can transport your equipment to the site for you.

 

If you are traveling a long distance by airline or train, the Rams will arrange to pick you up and transport you to the run site and transport you back in plenty of time to make your connection.

 

Motorcycle Ride

You do not need to be a motorcyclist to participate in the run or the Saturday afternoon tour.  Several of our riders are always willing to take buddies.   It’s a great opportunity to get on a motorcycle and meet some of the friendliest bikers around.

 

The Scene

The Rams always provide a safe, supervised dungeon play area on-site.  In addition, this year we are looking for men interested in particular fantasies.  Write us with your idea and we will do our best to set it up for you!

 

You can register for the run by mailing the attached application.  The run fee is $150 before July 21 or $165 by August 11.  T-shirts are an additional $14.   Payment may be made by check or money order (in US funds) or by using the convenient Paypal link attached to this email.  The run application and paypal buttons are also posted on our website at www.rochesterrrams.com

 Questions – please email rams@rochesterrams.com

Hope that you will join us for a fine weekend of brotherhood and fun!

8 years ago I attended my first Rochester Rams Run.  It was my first Leather Run; and, to me, this is what a Leather event is all about.

If you want to see real brotherhood, in a non-hotel environment, then this is the event for you.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to attend this year due to my work travels.  But I do highly recommend the Rams Run.

Tease 2012 BDSM Camping Convention

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This year at there will be 5 of our Leather family members at TEASE to help with the workshop schedule. As a group we will be presenting 7 of the 17 workshops happening at the event.

As hinted to in his interview in “The Dark Side” Podcast, Master Scott and his alpha-slave pup kalen will be presenting puppy play.

DanM (Twisted Teddy bear) will be doing a workshop on cock sucking. An awesome opportunity to pick up some cock sucking skills and techniques.  If he needs a demo top I’m Game !!

Leather Son Chris will be presenting for the first time on the topic of Cigar Service and Cigar Play. A form of play that is being seen less and less in the Pan-Kink community due to the strict smoking laws, and party rules that do not allow “play” out side the venue in the smoking area.

Master Chuck will be repeating  the very popular “Risk Management is Not Only for the Workplace workshop” , as well as workshops on “Long Distance Relationships”, “Long Term BDSM relationships” making them work and “Exit Plan” AKA retirement planning for Doms workshop geared towards the reality of becoming an aging Dom/sub and how that affects your kink.

That’s just what’s happening there from the members of the family. There are many other great workshops, demo’s, and play to be had. The workshop schedule can be found here You  can also register for the event on the main site.

 

Master/slave dynamics

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During CLAW this past weekend, I had a chance to sit in on a number of sessions related to the philosophy of D/s relationships including Sir/boy and Master/slave dynamics.

In short, I wrote the following on Facebook reflecting on my time at CLAW: “Some people really don’t get Master/slave relations at all. It’s not about breaking down, it’s about building up.”

There is considerably more on my mind about Master/salve dynamics that I get the impression that people simply just don’t get it.

I am writing from the perspective of having spent time as a slave for four out of the eight years of the relationship I have with Master Chuck.

Let’s address my comment on Facebook.  The Master/slave dynamic, just like the Sir/boy dynamic, is about building someone up to be the best person they are, to create value in the person and to inspire confidence.  It’s not about tearing someone down and creating clones of either yourself or the perfect man.  It’s not about breaking someone – per se.  If there is a bad behaviour going on, you obviously want to take control of that and get it turned around.  That said, if you see someone blossoming as they serve you, why would you try to tear that down?

A question came up during the weekend, and I am sure it came up several times, between what is the difference between a boy and a slave? This is somewhat of a loaded question because what may look like Sir/boy to me, may be defined as Master/slave; and potentially vice versa – what looks like Master/slave to me, may actually be defined as Sir/boy – and I can think of several examples within the Sir/boy and Master/slave communities where this applies.

For me, what defines the difference between boy and slave is the level of deference and servitude given to the dominant.  It’s not about losing my identity and completely changing everything about myself to match being the perfect submissive for my Master.  If we were all clones of each other, that would be pretty boring.

As a boy, there are certain freedoms that I have that I normally would not have as a slave – and being the type of boy (and even as slave), I would often test and sometimes cross the lines of those boundaries in appropriately, and it was dealt with.  That said, there are always consequences to actions and what may get a boy into a lighter level of trouble, may get a slave in to a deeper level of trouble.  The key thing is, the relationship is defined between Master and slave, and typically with a contract – which provides and ensures clarity on the expected behaviours.

I have a further concern about submissives not being heard within the various seminars as observed by my own experiences, and the experiences of others at CLAW, and specifically the potential opinions of slaves being dismissed.  To be clear, I am not criticizing CLAW, I’m using CLAW as the example because it is the most recent event I attended.  Incidentally, as a side note, CLAW rocked this year – please do consider attending next year

W/we – as a community; W/we – as people who are hungry for information about “how to do” D/s and Master/slave; WE ARE MISSING 50% of the information from some of the wisest people in Master/slave dynamics – the slaves themselves – who often know just as much about relationship dynamics as their dominant counterparts, especially those who have been in D/s relationships for a long time.  I know this is a deep a concern for my partner’s Alpha Slave.

One of the biggest helpers on my journey to becoming Master Chuck’s slave six years ago was reading Jack Rinella’s “Becoming a slave”, and hearing the various anecdotes of Jack’s slave, Patrick.  It helped to shape an aspect of who I was as a slave, and who I am as a boy.  It also allowed for not only a top-down approach to my training but also a bottom-up approach if you will, creating a well-rounded healthy approach to voluntary servitude – which is really what the Master/slave dynamic really is – anyone can walk away at any time.  Without Patrick’s perspective, I would only have the dominant’s perspective.

I am concerned about the Master who, reportedly, said that he didn’t need to apologize to his slave.  I can guarantee you that if Master Chuck did not apologize for mistakes He has made at times that I would no longer be His submissive – just as if I did not take responsibility for my actions when I have stepped out of line, I would no longer be His submissive.  I recognize that Master Chuck is human as am I, and as such, it is human nature to err.

I sure hope that the slave that did speak their mind when asked, saying that they would appreciate hearing the occasional apology from their Master, was not chastised (emotionally, mentally or physical) but appreciated otherwise we are talking about emotional, mental and potentially physical abuse – and that is not something our community takes lightly.  Instead, I hope it brought Master and slave closer together and has tightened a potentially beautiful bond.

If I were a first time attendee at an event where, as a submissive, I was considering putting together some form of presentation for a future year, based on some of the observations I have made, along with others within my Leather family, I would be questioning it.   Thankfully, I have had other experiences where seminars I have presented have been well attended, despite being a submissive – which, I know, early on was actually a concern for me.

Over the past two years of attending CLAW, I have noticed that seminars that are oriented towards covering D/s relationships tend to be organized by dominants:

  • Sirs and boys created by Sir John Krikorian – 2010 and 2011
  • Transition from BDSM to Master/slave by Master Taino – 2010 and 2011
  • boys in the Leather Community by Jim Raymond – 2010

No disrespect meant to those showing leadership by putting together these seminars because we need to discuss these topics.  That said, I would love to challenge my submissive brothers and sisters – however you may identify – slave, boy, pup, cub, etc… to step up to the plate and put together a series of seminars focused on the submissive side of relationships, but open to everyone.  Specifically, I would love to see a seminar on “The slave’s perspective on M/s relationships.”

I would also love to see a new generation step up to the plate to talk about these topics.  Again, no disrespect towards those who have educating us for years, but I cannot help but wonder if we need to hear a new set of voices sharing themselves and their experiences, and I think some of those who have been educating us, might love a chance to sit back and see some of the fruits of their labour of love.

So those are my insights and thoughts.  While I may no longer be in a Master/slave dynamic, I am still passionate about ensuring people understand what the M/s dynamic actually is and what it is not.  It is a beautiful dynamic.

It takes a bigger man to cry

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I’ve been thinking for a long time about heavy scene play and how we process those scenes.  I know some guys go into scenes with some degree of bravado to see how much they can take.  Others go into the scene to transcend.  Others might go into the scene with a sense of service to be used by their dom.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to be flogged by Master Tony (International LeatherSIR 2009) at one of the Rough House parties at Steamworks.  It had been some time since I had a good flogging and I really needed it.

Over the course of the time W/we played, Master Tony beat my nuts, spanked my ass, and flogged my back.  It felt great and I liked the energy created between U/us.

The reaction from the onlookers was, for me, an interesting part of the full experience.  See, I’m one of those guys who loves to cry in a good scene.  There is nothing like feeling a flogger on my back, feeling that build up to transcending and letting it all out.   You could almost call it devine.

Seeing a 6ft3, 275lb man tearing up and crying – it either does two things; evokes within you the desire to see that man cry even more (if you’re a sadist) or you want to run away because seeing a grown man cry evokes uncomfortable emotions that you don’t know how to process.  The latter is how most of the guys watching the scene at Steamworks reacted – they bolted.

I can appreciate that.  I’ve seen a few grown men cry in my life, and I can appreciate how uncomfortable it can be.  On the flip side, tears are something to be expected, depending on the person we may be playing with and the type of scene, in what we do as Leathermen.  It all depends on context.

In a heavy scene like that I can go down one of two paths.  You can hear me yell out my famous and loud, “Fuck you!”; or I cry with a big smile on my face.

I have to admit, when I go into the headspace of “Fuck you!”, the scene is not really all that satisfying for me.  It actually takes me down a bit of a dark path from a previous time in my life.  Not that I don’t want to remember, but I’ve changed so much from that period, it’s just not a place I wish to visit again.  It’s not a positive headspace for me.  Not that it couldn’t be a good place for someone else – I respect that and I know it can be pretty hot seeing some grunting and swearing their head off.

Crying just feels so much better to me.  It’s releasing the stresses I’ve had over a period of time.  During the scene, for me, it was cleansing and it was a great release, very cathartic.  I certainly was not being harmed, I was there on my own accord, and I truly enjoyed the scene.  Anyone who saw me after would have seen me bouncing down the hall way with a big ass grin and a smile on my face.  For me, watching this happen to someone else can be just as hot as the hard grunting and swearing.

Imagine being bound to a cross, being hit with a range of paddles – begging, “Keep on going, keep going, I’m almost there”, and getting a standing ovation at a play party as you start bawling your eyes out and the paddle breaking on your ass.  This is among one of my proudest moments as a boy.

Expressing emotions is very important to me.  As men (and this also happens to women), we’re often taught to repress our true feelings.  I encourage anyone to step beyond their comfort zone and get in touch with their inner emotions, to learn to be comfortable with them.