From December 2021, originally published on FetLife

My boy and I did a scene a few weeks ago which was certainly hot for both of us. He made me proud with what he was able to take in the context of the scene. There’s something else, though, that makes me even more proud of him.

I noticed my boy was a bit off the next day, and normally I’d ask him if he was okay, but chose to give him space as he figures out what he needs to. If it involves me then he knows he can pull me aside to have an open and frank discussion any time, and my commitment is that I will do my best to listen and be supportive. I’ve done my best to create a safe space for him to do that and he does his best to also foster that safe space for tough discussions.

I hold myself to a high standard but also accept that I will make mistakes, and I certainly have. I have finally learned not to beat myself up over those moments, and to create commitments to learn, to move forward together, which also benefits other subs in my collar, leash, etc; and even to future subs. This has been a huge thing for me to overcome and it gives a powerful voice to both of us to actually have our needs, wants and desires to be heard and met.

I will always do my best to listen to my subs, to help unpack a moment where they go “blah”, with the care and respect they deserve, even when it may be deeply triggering to me. My hope is that this helps to create a healing moment for them, that if they are in their head about approaching and talking to me, that it helps them to understand that I will listen, that I do care, and value them. It can also create a healing moment for me.

The boy had such a moment and through talking it out, we came to a mutually beneficial path forward. He gets what he needs as my sub, I get what I want and need as his Sir. I have a better understanding of him and he has a better understanding of me. It’s worth taking the time to bring each other along for the journey, together. It is so worth it.

He rightly called out that I wanted something more in the moment, that he wasn’t prepared to give, that there was something else he wanted and needed, and had some fears about stopping the play or requesting mid-scene that we go in a different direction. I had misinterpreted what he originally wanted and thought he was ready for more and took it down a wrong path.

The upshot is that we have a commitment to work on better communication, especially in the midsts of a hot scene that involves deep submission and domination, and I am encouraged to learn a bit more about the boy’s particular desire, expanding my own experiences just as I want him to expand his own experiences for me, in a positive way. I am really looking forward to the future with him and the opening this gives both of us.

Communication is key to keeping a relationship alive and hot, for keeping that intimacy.

They say that D/s can bring up baggage in a heavy way, and I know this very well from the submissive side. I want to address this but from the dominant side as some baggage came up for me during the discussion with the boy. It wasn’t introduced into the discussion via my behaviours in the discussion, but what transpired gave me more pause for thought.

I have been in a similar situation as a sub and bottom where I’ve not been ready for a particular scene to go deeper, and it’s been taken deeper by the person I’m playing with who thought I may be ready; or me thinking that I am ready and then I realize I’m not ready.

It hurts a lot as a sub to have to say no, or “I’m not ready but I want to be”, to show a degree of bravery and vulnerability to speak up. I’ve reacted and haven’t been able to find the words to communicate it effectively, the person I’m playing with has up and left throwing their hands up in the air leaving me high and dry with my emotions, thinking I’ve done something wrong when I’m doing my best to communicate, even after saying, “Hey, it’s clear I’m not ready for this but I want this in the future.” – whether during the scene or when reviewing the scene after.

It adds insult to injury when you’re already in a vulnerable place as a sub, doing your best to communicate and failing, you want to please the Dom/top and that person leaves you high and dry, with no opening to discuss, being shutdown and no ability to make commitments. You question your self worth and value, it adds to your insecurities and destabilizes the relationship. It doesn’t create that safe space we need to foster and nurture.

I get that it’s frustrating to be all ready, hot and bothered as a top or dom, only to feel let down. I’ve been there! However, we as dominants and tops can choose how we react in the moment to either make (i.e. support) or break the sub; especially if our reaction is driven by our own baggage and the examples in our past lives.

I have always believed we should get into the sub’s world to understand them, to understand what happened. That doesn’t mean the sub shouldn’t try the same. They should as they’re just much a part of the relationship as the dom. Walls being up on either side of the dynamic does nothing to foster the safe space, healing and togetherness. Like the Berlin Wall, it fosters divide.

We can choose to break the cycle of pain, taking the high road and saying, “No, I will not stand for the hurt and pain that I’ve received in the past, and commit to being that change. It has no place in this moment and I will leave this in the past.” Why continually perpetuate pain?

I think it’s important to remember, dominants can have just as much baggage as submissives.

It’s kind of like being a parent. I observed, recently, challenges that a young sub in their mid 20s had with their family unit when something happened. One of their parents reacted really badly to the situation, but then awareness was brought to that parent about how they were being in that moment. That parent realized they were perpetuating something they experienced in their own childhood. They committed to change while apologizing to their child.

What was amazing was that this involved multiple generations. When awareness was brought to the parent’s parent (the grandparent) about what was going on, they stepped up to genuinely apologize to their child in their early 50s, for their behaviours many years ago. It’s created multiple levels of healing that will completely transform, positively, the nature of their relationships and the family dynamic for many years.

This is, almost, a mini-lesson in Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Here is how I interpret the seven tenets:

• Be Proactive – Reach out, check in, do the responsible thing. Let the sub/dom know you’re willing to talk; and make sure you do talk.
• Begin with the End in Mind – What do you both want out of this that is going to be fulfilling? A better and closer relationship, I hope, but I also acknowledge that sometimes relationships have to come to an end.
• Put First Things First – Realize that dealing with these issues sooner rather than letting them fester is very important, balancing what’s going on in your life.
• Think Win/Win – You both have needs and wants you want to have met and possibly to give, can both of you get your needs and/or wants met over time?
• Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood – Taking the time to understand the other party, what came up for them; and share your experience, what came up for you.
• Synergize – Realize that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I interpret this as how strong the couple gets, and how fulfilled people feel through his process.
• Sharpen the Saw – The continual process of learning and committing to being a better human in relationship.

What I have experienced lets me put myself in the shoes of my subs. As the dom, I could throw my arms up and have a mini tantrum over not getting my way, but I can guarantee you that I would lose my sub over that very quickly. I don’t ever want to put my subs in that situation, ever. I don’t ever want to be that person, in that moment, to a sub as I’m trying to foster a safe space.

If I do have a moment where I don’t react well, I make sure I own it and apologize. Even that can be hard if you’ve not had a safe space where an apology can be heard and accepted. It’s gotten easier for my boy and I, both ways as we’ve grown together because we both want our relationship to last a long time.

I don’t know, in the instance of my partner at the time, what they were feeling. It’s unfortunate that I did trigger something in them, unintentionally, but for too long I have held on to, “it must be my fault”; when I did my best to communicate as I could in the moment, even if I did fail. I did later ask, “What happened?” wanting to connect and heal, only to be shutdown.

In that moment they had a choice in how they behaved whether it’s blowing up as they did or getting into my world and what was coming up for me which mutually benefits each other as we both open up and explore a path forward together. It’s sad and they’ve never taken the steps to clear the air with me and take responsibility for their actions, and presumably their own baggage.

Choosing to foster open and honest two-way communication with my subs no matter how much it hurts has lead to great discussions, it’s cultivated commitments and changes for each of us, it’s created a level of intimacy between us, and we are stronger for it. I feel closer to my subs as a result and they feel closer to me. We have a much deeper connection, there is a good level of trust between us, and we’re having really hot scenes with a connection that has blown both of us away.

As a dom, in my experience, showing vulnerability, openness, a willingness to work on my own baggage and even dealing with my insecurities and including my subs in that process; just as my subs have has lead to that deeper connection.

I choose to be open to my subs when so that they better understand me, and also the commitments I make within those challenges. More importantly, I am clear to them that that this is my baggage and not their’s.

As a result, I am thankful for the stand they make to be by my side, just as they appreciate the stand I make for them as I stand by them.