Daily Archives: May 1, 2012

Master/slave dynamics

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During CLAW this past weekend, I had a chance to sit in on a number of sessions related to the philosophy of D/s relationships including Sir/boy and Master/slave dynamics.

In short, I wrote the following on Facebook reflecting on my time at CLAW: “Some people really don’t get Master/slave relations at all. It’s not about breaking down, it’s about building up.”

There is considerably more on my mind about Master/salve dynamics that I get the impression that people simply just don’t get it.

I am writing from the perspective of having spent time as a slave for four out of the eight years of the relationship I have with Master Chuck.

Let’s address my comment on Facebook.  The Master/slave dynamic, just like the Sir/boy dynamic, is about building someone up to be the best person they are, to create value in the person and to inspire confidence.  It’s not about tearing someone down and creating clones of either yourself or the perfect man.  It’s not about breaking someone – per se.  If there is a bad behaviour going on, you obviously want to take control of that and get it turned around.  That said, if you see someone blossoming as they serve you, why would you try to tear that down?

A question came up during the weekend, and I am sure it came up several times, between what is the difference between a boy and a slave? This is somewhat of a loaded question because what may look like Sir/boy to me, may be defined as Master/slave; and potentially vice versa – what looks like Master/slave to me, may actually be defined as Sir/boy – and I can think of several examples within the Sir/boy and Master/slave communities where this applies.

For me, what defines the difference between boy and slave is the level of deference and servitude given to the dominant.  It’s not about losing my identity and completely changing everything about myself to match being the perfect submissive for my Master.  If we were all clones of each other, that would be pretty boring.

As a boy, there are certain freedoms that I have that I normally would not have as a slave – and being the type of boy (and even as slave), I would often test and sometimes cross the lines of those boundaries in appropriately, and it was dealt with.  That said, there are always consequences to actions and what may get a boy into a lighter level of trouble, may get a slave in to a deeper level of trouble.  The key thing is, the relationship is defined between Master and slave, and typically with a contract – which provides and ensures clarity on the expected behaviours.

I have a further concern about submissives not being heard within the various seminars as observed by my own experiences, and the experiences of others at CLAW, and specifically the potential opinions of slaves being dismissed.  To be clear, I am not criticizing CLAW, I’m using CLAW as the example because it is the most recent event I attended.  Incidentally, as a side note, CLAW rocked this year – please do consider attending next year

W/we – as a community; W/we – as people who are hungry for information about “how to do” D/s and Master/slave; WE ARE MISSING 50% of the information from some of the wisest people in Master/slave dynamics – the slaves themselves – who often know just as much about relationship dynamics as their dominant counterparts, especially those who have been in D/s relationships for a long time.  I know this is a deep a concern for my partner’s Alpha Slave.

One of the biggest helpers on my journey to becoming Master Chuck’s slave six years ago was reading Jack Rinella’s “Becoming a slave”, and hearing the various anecdotes of Jack’s slave, Patrick.  It helped to shape an aspect of who I was as a slave, and who I am as a boy.  It also allowed for not only a top-down approach to my training but also a bottom-up approach if you will, creating a well-rounded healthy approach to voluntary servitude – which is really what the Master/slave dynamic really is – anyone can walk away at any time.  Without Patrick’s perspective, I would only have the dominant’s perspective.

I am concerned about the Master who, reportedly, said that he didn’t need to apologize to his slave.  I can guarantee you that if Master Chuck did not apologize for mistakes He has made at times that I would no longer be His submissive – just as if I did not take responsibility for my actions when I have stepped out of line, I would no longer be His submissive.  I recognize that Master Chuck is human as am I, and as such, it is human nature to err.

I sure hope that the slave that did speak their mind when asked, saying that they would appreciate hearing the occasional apology from their Master, was not chastised (emotionally, mentally or physical) but appreciated otherwise we are talking about emotional, mental and potentially physical abuse – and that is not something our community takes lightly.  Instead, I hope it brought Master and slave closer together and has tightened a potentially beautiful bond.

If I were a first time attendee at an event where, as a submissive, I was considering putting together some form of presentation for a future year, based on some of the observations I have made, along with others within my Leather family, I would be questioning it.   Thankfully, I have had other experiences where seminars I have presented have been well attended, despite being a submissive – which, I know, early on was actually a concern for me.

Over the past two years of attending CLAW, I have noticed that seminars that are oriented towards covering D/s relationships tend to be organized by dominants:

  • Sirs and boys created by Sir John Krikorian – 2010 and 2011
  • Transition from BDSM to Master/slave by Master Taino – 2010 and 2011
  • boys in the Leather Community by Jim Raymond – 2010

No disrespect meant to those showing leadership by putting together these seminars because we need to discuss these topics.  That said, I would love to challenge my submissive brothers and sisters – however you may identify – slave, boy, pup, cub, etc… to step up to the plate and put together a series of seminars focused on the submissive side of relationships, but open to everyone.  Specifically, I would love to see a seminar on “The slave’s perspective on M/s relationships.”

I would also love to see a new generation step up to the plate to talk about these topics.  Again, no disrespect towards those who have educating us for years, but I cannot help but wonder if we need to hear a new set of voices sharing themselves and their experiences, and I think some of those who have been educating us, might love a chance to sit back and see some of the fruits of their labour of love.

So those are my insights and thoughts.  While I may no longer be in a Master/slave dynamic, I am still passionate about ensuring people understand what the M/s dynamic actually is and what it is not.  It is a beautiful dynamic.

It takes a bigger man to cry

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I’ve been thinking for a long time about heavy scene play and how we process those scenes.  I know some guys go into scenes with some degree of bravado to see how much they can take.  Others go into the scene to transcend.  Others might go into the scene with a sense of service to be used by their dom.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to be flogged by Master Tony (International LeatherSIR 2009) at one of the Rough House parties at Steamworks.  It had been some time since I had a good flogging and I really needed it.

Over the course of the time W/we played, Master Tony beat my nuts, spanked my ass, and flogged my back.  It felt great and I liked the energy created between U/us.

The reaction from the onlookers was, for me, an interesting part of the full experience.  See, I’m one of those guys who loves to cry in a good scene.  There is nothing like feeling a flogger on my back, feeling that build up to transcending and letting it all out.   You could almost call it devine.

Seeing a 6ft3, 275lb man tearing up and crying – it either does two things; evokes within you the desire to see that man cry even more (if you’re a sadist) or you want to run away because seeing a grown man cry evokes uncomfortable emotions that you don’t know how to process.  The latter is how most of the guys watching the scene at Steamworks reacted – they bolted.

I can appreciate that.  I’ve seen a few grown men cry in my life, and I can appreciate how uncomfortable it can be.  On the flip side, tears are something to be expected, depending on the person we may be playing with and the type of scene, in what we do as Leathermen.  It all depends on context.

In a heavy scene like that I can go down one of two paths.  You can hear me yell out my famous and loud, “Fuck you!”; or I cry with a big smile on my face.

I have to admit, when I go into the headspace of “Fuck you!”, the scene is not really all that satisfying for me.  It actually takes me down a bit of a dark path from a previous time in my life.  Not that I don’t want to remember, but I’ve changed so much from that period, it’s just not a place I wish to visit again.  It’s not a positive headspace for me.  Not that it couldn’t be a good place for someone else – I respect that and I know it can be pretty hot seeing some grunting and swearing their head off.

Crying just feels so much better to me.  It’s releasing the stresses I’ve had over a period of time.  During the scene, for me, it was cleansing and it was a great release, very cathartic.  I certainly was not being harmed, I was there on my own accord, and I truly enjoyed the scene.  Anyone who saw me after would have seen me bouncing down the hall way with a big ass grin and a smile on my face.  For me, watching this happen to someone else can be just as hot as the hard grunting and swearing.

Imagine being bound to a cross, being hit with a range of paddles – begging, “Keep on going, keep going, I’m almost there”, and getting a standing ovation at a play party as you start bawling your eyes out and the paddle breaking on your ass.  This is among one of my proudest moments as a boy.

Expressing emotions is very important to me.  As men (and this also happens to women), we’re often taught to repress our true feelings.  I encourage anyone to step beyond their comfort zone and get in touch with their inner emotions, to learn to be comfortable with them.