Author Archives: boyiain

About boyiain

A switch from the Toronto area, owned by and under the firm guidance of Master Chuck from Sudbury.

The not-so Dawn of a New Gay

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The Grid, a free ‘newspaper’ put out by The Toronto Star published an article called “The Dawn of a New Gay” recently.

I think it’s important for people to read it.  I don’t believe it’s representative of a good portion of twenty-something gay men, and it is not a new attitude that’s forming.  I am well aware of individuals who do not associate with gay culture, can’t relate to Pride, and can’t relate to the Gay Village in Toronto.  Honestly, I have no issue with this either because most have intelligently thought this through and have a respect for these institutions and our history.

This is my response to the article.

Privilege and Politics
Let me start off by saying that I am acutely aware of how privileged of a life I actually lead – growing up relatively middle class in horse country in Halton Region, going to a private school for three years, holding a university degree, attending a university overseas and having held good jobs with some amazing companies, who fully accepted me as a gay man.  That said, I worked my ass off for these and nothing was handed to me with a silver spoon.

Despite working my ass off, I consider what I have in live as gifts.  Despite all of the gifts that have been given to me in the world, I have never lost the fact that all of that could be taken away in a minute.

With the shift to the right in Canadian Politics, gay men and women, not just Leathermen and Leatherwomen, now have a reason to worry.  Our rights – the right to marry, the right to be who we are, the protections we have in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms are very much threatened.  Canada has traditionally had some of the most advanced in the Americas.  All of that could go away.

To an American reader, to translate, we’re essentially in our “Bush Junior” era.

The impression I am left with and that many people are left with is that the men in this article grew up in a bubble, and quite the bubble it is – check out that second paragraph!  Such entitlement and most definitely not the experience of most Canadians!  I can guarantee you the experience in places such as downtown Toronto, or anywhere outside of a major centre is vastly different.  From a provincial perspective, we have a bible belt in Southern Ontario.  Northern Ontario is pretty rough and tumble.  What is the experience in those places?

The question about is there a gay struggle to be had?  Hell yes, especially in the political arena.  And when we’re done here, there’s a gay struggle outside the borders of our cities, provinces and countries.  How about putting yourself in the middle east and helping those killed for being gay?  Are these guys blind about what’s outside Toronto and their own bubble?

How will these men deal with the potential political climate in Canada?

Coming out
For the most part I felt that being gay was fine and the negative attitudes didn’t phase me, much like the author.  I was actually quite self accepting and it was never a big deal – despite going to Roman Catholic schools at the time.  Mind you, none of my friends even suspected that I was gay based on their reaction to my coming out – maybe because I wasn’t stereotypical and no one asked.

The difference is that I did specifically come out to my friends one by one and it was in university.

When I came out in the UK, the role models that gay men had on campus was a gaggle of quite flamboyant British men.  I could not relate to them, and despite that, I respected them for their ability to be out.  I had more in common with a dyke I befriended who wore nothing but denim.  It’s fair to say I was looking for masculine men.   Despite that, all of you helped my coming out and I thank you.  It was important for me to come out as a masculine rugby-playing gay man.

I identify as gay, I am proud of that identity, I have a respect for our past history in Toronto, Canada, North America and in so-called western culture.

I cannot sit there deluded by my own experience.  Not as many people have it as easy as I did, and some people may have had it easier.  I feel it’s my duty as a gay man, to honour those who did make it easier for me to live my life as I do – to be out at work, to have a picture of my partner on my desk, to introduce; by helping other gay men, and even lesbians.

As for the village, it is what we had at the time.  Queen West aka Queer West?  Is it not just another village?  Another ghetto for gay people? Straight people also go to Church St, so… what’s the big deal?

Masculinity, Imagery  and Identity
Stereotypical gay imagery doesn’t appeal to me and it doesn’t represent me.
I knew I was interested in more masculine men (a theme in the article) and I found what I was looking for in the Bear community and then later in the Leather community.  In fact, a number of points that are brought up by Aguirre-Livingston, I heard in the early 90s and 2000s including resenting the stereotypes and even the discussion about how masculine is masculine.   Nothing new is here in the article.
I have always done my best to reject imagery and advertising that doesn’t represent me.  The thin twinky advertising for Botox seen in gay publications doesn’t mean anything to me – why would someone use that stuff?  Even publications like “A Bears Life” doesn’t appeal to me – I don’t have to live to anyone else’s ideal other than my own – and I do.
Bear, for me years ago when I was first coming out, was my safe space to learn and grow – it’s not something that I tried to fit into, I just fit in because it represented me.  It was a utopia of sorts for me, as a masculine man.  As time went on, the community represented me less and less and I grew away from the parties, the magazines, etc…  Don’t get me wrong – I love Bearish men and typically that is what I search out – note that I’m using the term Bearish because fewer “Bear” men identify that way.

Gay is a part of my identity, it is not my identity.  I don’t come out specifically anymore, I just mention my partner who happens to be Scott and male.  I will say, I think it’s great that a certain segment of our population can come out fully, with confidence and not have to deal with negativity during that period.  Others do not have that luxury

I am masculine.  I don’t need something to solidify my status, to validate me.  I am what I am.  That is the ultimate in self-acceptance.

Pride
Pride for me is about seeing old friends, connecting with people from out of town, and celebrating my ability to live my life as I do.  It’s a great chance to see what services and clubs are out there for people who are like minded.

I’ve marched in 13 out of 15 Toronto Prides since 1996 and I will be in this year’s parade.  I’ve marched with Bars (my first was The Black Eagle in 1996), Bears, Leather, and the AIDS Committee of Toronto.  I love seeing groups such as Metropolitan Community Church Toronto, various Unions and other organizations  march. The bar and community floats are just pure fun.

See it for what it is – yes it’s a big party these days – a celebration of what we have won.  A recognition of our history.

What about those ‘deviants’ such as the Leathermen?  Well, we are part of the community too, an important part of the community and those people who are interested in exploring aspects of their sexuality need to know it’s okay just as I have learned.  We are a valid part of the community.

How many of us ‘older’ folks have said, Pride doesn’t represent us anymore, Pride isn’t the same, etc…  Just as I grew on from the Bear community, people grow on from Pride.   Does that make them any less proud?  It does not because they respect the history.  I would hope that over time, these men would be interested in learning our history.

I actually chose to march in those 14 prides because I don’t like standing around in the heat, in massive crowds.  It’s more fun to be in the parade.

Digital Natives?
The Post-Mos in the article say they grew up as digital natives raised in the internet era. Know what?  I am part of what I would then call, “Original Digital Natives”.  I grew up in the BBS-era and dialling in Toronto’s Gay News Service at the age of 16 turning on 17 to find more information about myself in my basement office on a 1200 baud modem.  The first guy I could have hooked up with, I did courtesy of BBSes.

I’ve been on the net since 1992, when I was 18.  My first two relationships were courtesy of the internet in 1995 – I met my first ex, Steve, on the alt.sex.motss newsgroup, I met by second ex, Matt on IRC, and hooked up with many men on the #bearcave channel.  Event Scott and I met courtesy of the Internet.

And countless men that I have met since that time were facilitated by the Internet.

Forget Grindr – I discuss the guys I’m interested in hooking up with on Squirt.org, Recon and Scruff.

So what have we learned?
Not much.

There’s nothing new here, honesty.  I’m not shocked that there are people out there who can’t relate to stereotypical gay culture and I can empathize with that.  Please don’t just dismiss it, but understand your history and honour those who came before you – and that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to attend Pride.

It’s a win that younger gay men can come out smoother in certain places, but don’t delude yourself – there is still a fight out there.

Their Gay Village is Queen West rather than the Church St. Village. Whoppee!  Another Gay Village – it was old news a few years ago!  I might even check it out.

I have noticed there’s a strong desire to be masculine, and to fit in to masculine imagery.  So the shift in advertising to these young men is going to shift from the stereotypical thin twinky hairless image to something scruffier wearing Lacoste?  Welcome to the new marketing for gay men?

They’re connected – which many gay men have always been connected since the mid 90s and even before.

As far as I am concerned, other than the contempt, the priviliege, and the fact they had a very smooth coming out, these men are not that different from many of the men I interact with in my generation!

Calling yourself Post-Mo is like me using Post-Bear as a label – and i did at one point consider that but realized how pathetic it sounded.  Post-Mo becomes a new term for gay, privileged whilte-boy.  It comes across very elitist and holier than thou.

Just be yourself and be open to learning a bit about our community history because whether you like it or not, the rights and freedoms you enjoy today, which I believe you take for granted, could be gone just as fast, if not faster than they were given.

Where will the gay community be in 50 years time?  Who knows.  Discussing this article with some younger men who are in their 20s we agreed on the following:

  • Who knows where we are politically.
  • If we are accepted fully, there will still be a need for gay male spaces because we want that male on male primary connection.
  • It’s still important to understand our history.
  • It’s possible that Pride may not be that important and it definitely won’t be what it is today, but there will always be pride in who we are.

 

Sunday, July 17th, 2011 – “Now That You’re Kinky” – A Round Table With Doms & subs

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Master Chuck, my partner Master Scott, slave-pup Kalen and i will be part of a round table on Doms and subs during the July 17th “Now That You’re Kinky” series held here in Toronto as part of the So You Want To Be Kinky Education Series here in Toronto.

July 17th – 2pm – Doors open at 1:30pm

Goodhandy’s
120 Church Street (2nd floor)
SW corner of Church & Richmond Streets
Toronto, ON

Admission $10.00 at the door
Restricted to those 19 years of age and older

For more information please see 2bkinky.com.

—
As part of our ongoing 201 level workshop series, on July 17th, 2011,  SYWTBK will present “A Round Table With Doms & subs” (doors at 130pm, seating is limited). We have gathered 5 fairly well known Doms (Tops/Masterss/Sirs/etc…) and 5 subs (slaves/boys/bottoms/etc…) to discuss their journey, life, and love of the BDSM lifestyle. We invite those in attendance to challenge our panel and ask the questions that have gone unanswered up until now. (This workshop will be split, with our Doms up first, followed by a short break, then our subs.) or (This workshop will be one panel, and will be in one continuous forum for your convenience.) Come prepared, do your homework, research any or all of the names below and have your specific questions ready. Our panel will include:

The Dominants

Master Chuck
Once a boy, Master Chuck at 50 now lives his life, 24/7, as the patriarch of his very large multi generational Leather Family that combines HOT play, daily life and growth. There is never a dull moment. As a covered Master he holds himself to a high standard of integrity, manifesting itself in the basic traditional Old Guard principles of Honour, Trust, and Respect. To him, submission is a precious gift that Doms should accept with humility, then use BDSM as a tool to reach the subs inner core as they embrace their submission. He gives back to and helps develops his community through high level activism and with the educational seminars he delivers. Master Chuck is proud to represent his community as Eastern Canada LeatherSIR 2011

Master Peter
After growing up on a working ranch in Southern Alberta, Peter simply changed one kind of chaps for another. After realizing he was not only gay but into Leather in the early 1980s, Peter began to discover the community of Leather Folk. After moving to Toronto, Ontario in 1994, Peter found a welcoming and accepting community. He joined the Board of Directors of Mr. Leatherman Toronto Competition Inc. (MLTC) in 2000 and served on the Board until the end of 2007. In 2001, Peter was made the Chief Judge of MLTC and continues to serve in that position. He is also a member of the So You Want To Be Kinky Committee which puts on the annual seminar program during the MLT weekend along with the “So You Want to Be Kinky” education program which stages seminars on a quarterly basis. He has also served as a judge at many local, national and international competitions such as IML 2009. Along the way he also served as Tally Master for ABW for 3 years. In November of 2007, Peter was awarded the MLT John Stephen Basset Leather Pride Award for his contributions to the development of Leather Pride. He has been in a Master/Slave relationship for nearly 13 years with his slave cub. Cub was also Bootblack Toronto 2005. Believing in the traditional values of the Leather Community, Peter believes very strongly in giving back to the community more than the community has given him.

Master Scott
Master Scott is a gay male “Bear”, dominant switch, and has been doing BDSM play for more than 20 years. He is a proud member of the Leather Family headed by Master Chuck. Scott was recently honoured by being presented with his Master’s cover by Master Chuck and His leather family. He is honoured to be pinned into Mama’s Family as “Mama’s Canadian Body Bear”. Within the community Scott has been active in teaching others various BDSM related skills, particularly his passion of percussion play (spanking, flogging and caning). Scott has been partnered in an open relationship for almost 14 years to a D/s-switch, Master Chuck’s boy iain – currently Eastern Canada Leatherboy 2011. Scott is blessed to have a collared submissive in slave-pup Kalen. Scott also acts as a mentor to a number of other boys, cubs and slaves. Scott is currently in the process of switching careers and is completing studies in a healthcare field.

Master T’Hayla
Master T’Hayla Ferguson has been teaching in Canada and the USA for the last 15 years on a wide range of BDSM and M/s topics, including but not limited to: Master/slave relationships, self esteem, spirituality, cutting, piercing and other nasty sadistic shit your slave will love you for. Mastery is not so much a choice as a calling for T’Hayla – one which fulfills so many deep needs.

Victoria Windsor
Victoria Windsor found the leather community 19 years ago by looking for it. She’s known singe age 8 that she was different. Finding kink opened her eyes, finding Leather opened her world, and she can never go back. Victoria was the recipient of the Central Canada Olympus Leather 2008, the co-Chair of the So You Want To Be Kinky Education Committee, have taught throughout North America, and currently serves as the Executive Producer of Toronto Leather Pride (formerly MLT). She holds dear the close relationships she has made in this group, and loves having a leather heart.

the submissives

boy alex
boy alex is a local bootblack and active member of the queer leather community in Toronto. Soon after finding life in leather, boy alex met some friends who introduced him to D/s and service oriented dynamics. He then attended the boys Training Camp in Dallas Texas and learned more about these concepts and how to apply them. Since then, he has experimented with and been involved in several service based relationships and contracts. boy alex has also taken on various service oriented roles in his community. boy alex has taught workshops and sat on discussion panels about D/s and service at several leather events in the US such as the boys Training Camp, and also South West Leather Conference in Phoenix and South Plains Leatherfest in Dallas.

cub
Originally from Winnipeg, Ron began his leather journey in 1985. He was a long-time member of the Winnipeg Leather Levi Club as well a founding member of C.L.U.B Winnipeg. In February of 1998, he met his future Master, Peter to whom he became a collared as a slave under a lifetime contract and was given the name cub in November of that year he move to Toronto to begin fulltime service and in 2000 cub began volunteering with MLT. In 2003 cub along with several fellow boys formed the Toronto boys of Leather, a group that was intended to provide support for other submissives, and to provide assistance to other groups and organizations in the leather community. cub served as President of TboL until 2007 and remains involved in an advisory role. In 2005, cub won the title of Bootblack Toronto. While competing at the International Mr. Bootblack in Chicago of 2005, cub was humbled to be the first Canadian to receive the Brotherhood award. cub was pinned into Mama’s Family as Mama’s Canadian cub in 2006. In 2007, cub was honoured to receive MLT’s Courtland Forsey Award.

slave gillian
slave gillian is happily submerged in her 24/7 M/s relationship. Living a powerful and fulfilling enslavement has been an exciting and challenging experience. Among many things gillian loves being Master’s majical assistant and demo bottom at workshops. gillian and her Master regularly attend Toronto’s Perspectives on Power group.

Master Chuck’s boy iain
Born in St. John’s, Newfoundland and raised in the Greater Toronto Area, Eastern Canada Leatherboy 2011, boy iain has been collared to Master Chuck since 2004. Growing up, he knew he was interested in pig sex, oral service, piss and Bearish men and has since learned to enjoy the pleasure of pain, submission and domination, boot worship, cock and ball torture, tit torture, rubber, mind fucks; and the eroticization of safe sex. In 2009, boy Iain was the recipient of an Eastern Canada LeatherSIR/Leatherboy Community Builder Award in recognition of the impact of his involvement in the Toronto and Eastern Canada Leather community. He promotes play, education and believes that as a community we should be connecting with other people face to face and flesh on flesh.

slave-pup Kalen
Master Scott’s slave-pup Kalen, is a 25 year old, gay submissive. He is a service oriented slave who enjoys domestic chores as well as other service as needed. On the pup side he identifies as a husky pup named Bandit and has a fondness of “borrowing” socks. He has also dicovered a love for bondage and percussion play. slave-pup Kalen was born in Toronto but was raised in Sudbury Ontario, and now currently resides in Brampton. Kalen was collared as Master Scott’s slave-pup in June 2010. Kalen is also proud member of Master C’s leather family of which he is the youngest member.

Goodhandy’s
120 Church Street (2nd floor)
SW corner of Church & Richmond Streets
Toronto, ON

Admission $10.00 at the door
Restricted to those 19 years of age and older

Risk mitigation empowers you

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The AIDS Committee of Toronto over the past few years has taken on a risk mitigation strategy in it’s outreach work, encouraging Gay men to make better choices with their sex play and sexual health through better education and information.

Simply telling someone to use a condom isn’t enough.  The fact is, people have gotten tired of the no glove, no love message.

I started volunteering with the the ACT Gay Mens Outreach organization almost three years ago.    What I learned during my training was how important messaging is, and the impact to people’s attitudes.  It’s just like any human-to-human communication it’s all in how you say things whether the other person is going to shut down or be open to more.

What I learned completely turned the messaging I had learned as a young man, on it’s head.  After all, fear-based initiatives are completely ineffective and idealist points of view completely ignore reality.

With my volunteer work, I have seen first hand guys reject my offers of condoms, lube and information; only to come back to ask me question month after month, and start making positive choices.  They have been empowered to make these choices without being bashed over the head with cliches.

In short, ACT along with the Ontario AIDS Network, and the Canadian AIDS Treatment Information Exchange are leaders in North America for this kind of work.

The Bareback Roundtable discussion Master Chuck and I attended during CLAW also turned what I knew upside down.  We were able to discover, first hand, the impacts of the messaging of the ’80s and ’90s does to people, the judgements and the stigma.  Again, much thanks to Dave Watt for putting this together.

There is a great article on Xtra’s website about the new messaging that ACT is currently using:

“It’s your choice – We believe that sex is a spectrum of possibilities.  From pig sex to vanilla.  Bareback to wrapped.  We’ve got information and sex-positive tips to make your choices safer. ”

I wrote the following in response to the article and some of the comments:

It has been proven that harm reduction strategies gets people to think and often act on playing safer. It worked in the UK in rave culture in the area of drug use, and it’s working here.

When you bash people over the head with idealist points of view like, “You should always use a condom” people start to rebel and say forget it.

I attended a great seminar at an event recently that brought together people who bareback, the porn industry, and people who work in harm reduction. It was a fascinating look at how we all perceive each other and how safer sex messaging gets interpreted.

It’s not simple and the messaging has to change with the times – a lot of ASOs in North America are stuck in the 80s and 90s with their messaging.

ACT along with the OAN are well ahead of the game with this. People need to know the options to make sex safer without being overbearing. It’s about guiding people to make better choices than what they are choosing now.

ACT does not only just use risk mitigation in it’s safe sex messaging but also with it’s Club & Party Outreach.  Something as simple as having a clean straw available reduces the risk of Hep C transmission when someone is high.

I am proud to be a supporter of this initiative.  The messaging of the ’80s and ’90s has to change from dictating to risk mitigation and explaining the options, to empower men to make their own choices.

To quote someone who commented on the thread: “The community needs MORE realistic, pragmatic information, not moral indignation.”

I believe we need to talk more and open up the discussion on bareback sex and other perceived-to-be taboo topics.

ACT is hosting a Pride edition of the Pig Sex Project series. This discussion will focus on cum. “What do you like to do with it? What does it mean to you?”

  • When: June 18 from 1-4pm
  • Where: Steamworks, 540 Church St, Level 2
  • Find out more by contacting Siva Gunaratnam at 416-340-8484 x254

Master Chuck, Eastern Canada LeatherSIR 2011 and i will be at The Beef Ball on Saturday, July 2, 2011 during Toronto Pride weekend handing out condoms and lube, and we’re happy to answer any questions you may have about play, pig sex, Leather and information to empower you.  Hope to see you there!

Mr. Leather Pride 2011 – Black Eagle – June 29th, 2011 – 11pm

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Join our judges Mr. Black Eagle 2010 Connor, Penny Gyokeres, Master Chuck’s boy iain – Eastern Canada Leatherboy 2011, Frank Mancino and Mr. Spearhead 2011 Dwayne Bryk for one of the first events kicking off the Toronto Gay Pride celebrations. We’re looking for contestants for Mr. Leather Pride Black Eagle! Contact Dwayne Bryk or Black Eagle Toronto if you are interested!

The contest is on June 29th, 2011 at 11pm.

It Gets Better – Leather Edition

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Dan Savage started the “It Gets Better” project last year in response to the LGBT youth who can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

I recorded a video, although not specifically Leather-oriented, almost right off the plane, in a hotel on a business trip. The text I wrote on the flight down. I figure, hey, not bad for my first YouTube video:

I feel I’m overdue to record a second one that is more Leather-oriented, because not only has my life gotten better by coming out as a gay man, my life as a Leatherman, since being collared 7 years ago this weekend, has become pretty amazing.

Below are a few videos submitted by Leathermen that caught my eye while looking through YouTube, including some from my brothers in the Rochester Rams.

Dart

Dan – Rochester Rams

Bob – Rochester Rams

Larry – Rochester Rams

The LA Leather Community

Sir’s Collar, Protocols and Misconceptions

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Someone approached me recently about the Rough House play parties and what they are about.  I’m always happy to explain to someone what they’re about, what they can expect, etc…

When he realized I was a collared submissive, he thought he should stop talking to me to which I responded, “No, Sir allows and encourages me to talk to anyone.”, and then I further explained Sir’s protocols for communication and play.

This was actually someone who is, at this point, primarily bottom and possibly submissive – something he’s looking to explore.  In his own words, he learned a lot from me in our brief discussion.

It makes me wonder, how many times this may actually come up – the fact that someone might wish to talk to me, learn a bit about D/s, but might not understand some of the protocols of the collar I wear.

To clarify, Sir allows me:

  • to talk to anyone – dominant or submissive, top or bottom, etc…,
  • to engage in vanilla play without permission,
  • as soon as play involves BDSM or D/s and as a bottom, i am instructed to conduct initial negotiations, find out what W/we both want to get into, and then i must contact Sir to get permission:
    • If Sir is not available. then he allows me to use my best judgement and provide him with an update,
    • Sir may require a discussion with the dominant depending on what is involved in the scene,
    • Sir may also grant permission right away
  • play that involves D/s, with me as a top but still submitting is a grey area.  i usually contact Sir anyway to let Him know what is going on.  After all, it’s still a case where i’m still submissive.  I just happen to be topping – and believe me I have been involved in some hot scenes where I’ve remained as a submissive top.
  • Sir encourages all of His subs to get experiences with others.

So why chat with Sir?  Here are a few considerations:

  • Sir does not want his training with me to be interfered with,
  • there may be considerations about play with me, for example how to better read me in certain situations
  • as I see it, you get to connect with a knowledgable dominant,
  • both you and Sir get to connect with each other, even if briefly,
  • between the two of you, there may be some inspiration built,

It’s a shame that many, maybe 60% of those who are interested in playing with me are not willing to having the chat with Sir, and their loss in 100% of those cases.  They’re going to miss a potentially hot time because usually by the time we’ve chatted about what we want in the scene, I’m ready to serve and drop into subspace – because I am serious about playing.  I can’t risk the scene, and Sir is not willing to risk damage to His boy.

So that, said,

  • please feel free to engage me in conversation.
  • if you have any questions, please do feel free to contact me
  • if you have an interest in using me as a demo bottom or in playing with me as a dominant – top or bottom, please do feel free to contact Sir or me.

This is all in line with Master Chuck’s will.

Good luck!

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To all those headed to IML in Chicago this weekend, i wish you the best of luck!

Now, don’t forget about ILSb in San Francisco at the end of!July. *GRIN*