I received a congratulatory note on Recon the other day, which I very much appreciated as I have all the congratulations received by email, from Facebook and other social networking sites over the past week. There was one line that struck me from this one particular note:
“…you are soooo much more the boy than I am. Congrats!”
I have some VERY strong thoughts about people trying to compare themselves to others, especially to me; and on a related topic but not necessarily applicable to this specific case – for those boys trying to attain something that is not them, that is not real but based on fantasy.
Quite honestly, my first reaction was, “Oh come off it, don’t give me that crap! This isn’t a competition! Being a boy is not about who can be the uber-boy and trying to out-boy someone else. It’s about being yourself!”
Now in this case, I know the boy is not trying to be an uber-boy or project me into being uber-boy, but the comparison does concern me. Believe me, I’ve compared myself to this boy too and think the world of him. So it goes both ways and we’re both experienced boys, and I consider him a brother.
I grew up being compared to others in my bio-family and I recognize that this is where my sensitivity comes from, especially as I’ve learned to accept myself and realize my self worth. As a wise Daddy said to a group of us: “I think we should all stop looking to family (and others) for validation and worth; to do so gives others power better kept”.
I took this to heart about two years ago and I keep coming back to it.
It seems that every boy I have observed that comes into the Leather community needs to learn the lesson about finding their own identity, who they are, and to some degree self acceptance and self worth. It’s not something that can be taught, it’s something that has to be experienced.
Early on in my relationship with Master Chuck, I felt I needed to be something ‘more’ – and while, yes, there was a lot more to me than I knew, the lesson I needed to learn was that I needed to learn to be accepting of myself, my faults and who I am. I needed to learn to be me. I didn’t need to be something I wasn’t, which was where I was somewhat headed.
When I took on becoming Master Chuck’s slave, I was blinded by looking at not becoming Master Chuck’s slave as a complete failure and completely shattering my self worth. I was willing to do the work, but I had to make sure it happened. Not the most healthy way of looking at things.
I was being competitive without realizing it. I was also trying to be Sir’s uber boy and slave because I thought that is what He wanted, and it was what I thought being a boy and slave was about – to a certain degree.
I now know better that if I had failed to become His slave, it meant nothing about my self worth and that I would have learned a lesson about my true nature, who I truly am – which I did when I requested release from Master Chuck’s slave collar and recollared as His boy late in 2010.
Another way some boys lose themselves is in protocol and the hunger for structure. While there are some basic tenets about how a boy should conduct themselves – with honour, respect and integrity; there isn’t a list of hard rules that a boy must obey that is common to all boys. What there is, is a list of how a boy will conduct himself with their Sir within the agreed-to dynamic.
When a Sir takes on a boy, maybe a Sir wants a:
- well behaved, protocol-oriented boy
- feisty boy who challenges things
- quiet and more reserved boy who thinks things through
- service submissive who is happy doing dishes
- sex pig who can’t get enough and is on call as Sir wishes
- boot black who happens to be a boy to provide multiple services
- big furry boy to shave as the Sir’s mark
- a boy who will speak his mind and have his own opinions
- one boy
- multiple boys
- a boy who tops, bottoms or switches
As I said to someone on Recon, I grew up being the ‘good boy’, a fairly proper guy, and following protocol. Ask me a few short years ago if it’s okay for a boy to be feisty, I would have said, “No way! A boy should always be respectful…”.
But you know, I’ve always had this ‘bad boy’ deep within me, who wanted to be a big sex pig, and I do have a feisty sense of humour at times though not as strong as some feisty boys I know.
As I learned to accept myself and have become more myself, I am much more comfortable bringing both of these aspects of me together, and as a result I am less rigid. There’s a time for being feisty and funny, and there’s a time to be more reserved. I’m still a boy, I’m still me, and as Master Chuck said, he liked me more because I am being who I am.
The point I’m trying to make in this blog entry, is that:
- boys come in all shapes and sizes and truth be known, in the case of who contacted me and anyone who thinks anyone else is more or less of boy, we’re just different kinds of boys and I don’t think one is more valid than another. We all have unique things we offer.
- If every submissive were exactly the same, it would get quite boring for the dominants. Just as each Sir that we interact with brings something different. If they were exactly the same, us boys would be just as bored!
- Be yourself, and if you’re not sure who or what you are then you have a great opportunity to learn about yourself.
- I am becoming more real as I learn to accept myself for who and what I am.
For the Sirs out there, I could change the word ‘boy’ for ‘Sir’ in this blog entry and it would almost work. The lesson is exactly the same.
While I’ve come a long way in discovering my self worth, I know I still have a long way to go.
