Learning to live with anxiety

Posted on by

I live with anxiety.

It’s something that I really didn’t have an understanding of until I considered that I may be living with it, researched it, and the pandemic, plus some brewing personal situations that I needed to resolve was really the impetus for me figuring it out.

I think, when people think about anxiety, they think of the stereotypical suburban housewife in the 80s and earlier, taking Valium, not able to cope with things; which does a real disservice to women and stigmatizes what anxiety is, and how it can be treated.

We’ve come a long way since then and while mental health is still misunderstood, the treatments, compassion and care that exists today versus what I’ve seen friends go through, say, in the 80s is night and day.

NOTE: This blog entry discusses my mental health journey and while aspects here might help you, I am not a mental health expert and I advise you that if any of what I have written resonates with you, do consider speaking with a therapist.

Consider being in a situation that involves someone else where your mind is racing trying to figure out all the angles, possibilities and outcomes of the situation in advance so you’re prepared to get through any variant of the situation – a perpetual what if machine. 

You’re nervous about saying the right thing in the right way because it’s super important to you, you have often been misunderstood in life, so you want to make sure you’re heard and understood. It consumes you and takes up valuable cycles you could be using to focus on other things in your life.

You become irritable, emotional – you want to do the right thing- you want to do the right thing for yourself, you also want to be considerate and do the right thing for the person you need to talk with and open up to, but you can’t because you’re trying to find the perfect way to meet your needs, their needs, to be sensitive to the other person and true to yourself. 

You agonize over it.
You beat yourself up.

At least, in how anxiety has been showing up for me, this has been a common scenario. I recognize that anxiety shows up in a multitude of different ways for different people. Overcoming and learning to live with anxiety is a unique journey for everyone.

There are a few approaches I figured out for myself that seemed to work

  • I write it out as it helps to get out of your head – a theme – and allows me to collect and organize thoughts. I can spin so hard, its very hard to keep thoughts organized.
  • I talk to others to get out of my head – starting to see a theme? Mainly because I have the sense to say, “I need help!”. I know I’m stuck inside, and need to check in with someone else who is outside the situation to get a reality check, to be challenged and ultimately to help stop that spinning so I could do what I needed to do – which was to talk the person I really needed to.
  • In some situations I’m able to talk directly to the person, which really is how it should be, but it’s not as smooth as it really should be, and even in those moments, when talking things out, my head can be spinning hard.

That spinning is not kind, it will pull in other baggage, and it’s very hard to dig out. I knew that if I talked directly to the person involved about the situation I’m spinning about, it’s not going to be pretty. At least, that’s what I thought at the time.

In all honesty, no matter how weird or meandering or even ugly the path to the resolution to the situation you’re in is, dealing with it straight up is actually better. The people that can and do see past your baggage will be the ones that will help you figure things out and support you in seeing through your anxiety and triggers.

The character of Anxiety in Inside Out 2, a recent movie from Disney-Pixar, anthropomorphizes a great representation of anxiety. I really feel that if I had this story growing up, it may have given me some good food for thought or at least planted a seed where I could have realized earlier what was happening and lessened the impact on my life.

I’m not going to talk here about how I was able to connect the dots that lead to me learning how to mitigate my anxiety as it did involve some unconventional methods. The parts I will talk about are 

  • it did involve looking at situations that were triggering me. At the time I was dealing with triggers constantly going off from multiple sources – I am surprised I kept it together. For me, this was typically the starting point for where anxiety starts for a given situation.
  • I had the sense to take the time to understand why I was triggered – what in my past is trying to inform me that I’m in some form of “danger zone”? This part of my looking inward journey was huge and I had to build courage to go there and face my interpretation of the past, and heal from it. I had to go back and deal with my past.
  • I spent time with my therapist to talk through what I was seeing and experiencing.
  • Most importantly, I have some amazing family around me who gave me:
    • a safe space for me to be able to deal with whatever I was dealing with in real time as things came up, 
    • while they called me on my shit, it was clear they had my back and loved me and stood for me being a better Iain, and they were invested in being part of my life just as I wanted them in my life,
    • the space to make mistakes and learn from them,
    • reminders that I was worthy of that support and love,
    • a voice, that would be listened to, where I felt heard, and people took the time to understand me and what I was dealing with,
    • where I could get reassurance and learn to trust that reassurance,
    • where I could express emotion and not feel locked up, that i was wrong for just feeling and expressing that emotion – that my emotions are real and valid,
    • challenged me in a good thought provoking way – during that whole period I was constantly hearing “Get out of your head, Iain”,
    • giving me the love and respect that I really needed to get through such a weird space that I happened to get into, that I needed to dig out of.

While only I could do the work, having that support network was what I really needed to sort myself out. Definitely a gift the universe has given me.

Today, I can say my mind is the quietest it has ever been, ever. I cringe thinking about the times it lead to awkward and explosive situations. I’m not comfortable with it, and all I can do is accept that it happened and where required clean it up. learn from it and be a better person.

Anxiety has shaped my life for an incredibly long time. I can go back to my childhood where it started. I have no idea if it’s something that I’m predispositioned towards or a learned behaviour – I suspect a combination of both. 

I certainly recognize what I went through, and the situations that made me a pro at the spin and keeping things to myself. My strong independent streak because I couldn’t rely on or didn’t even have the support I should have had when I was younger, and keeping things to myself as a result, among other things, all this adds up, and I am not surprised at how this turned out. It was a perfect storm.

I am proud of the man I’ve become, I’m proud of the hard work I’ve done on myself to be a better human. The true me has always been upbeat, personable, hardworking, someone who wants to do the right thing, make the world a better place and an introvert-leaning ambivert willing to look inwards, 

The people that matter, I know, are also proud of me. I would not be where I am without them.

The Caretaker

Posted on by

I am a care taker and a fixer personality.  I do my best to take care of people.  I’ve been doing this from the age of 13.

I learned to take care of myself and my own needs, taking control of how and where I get cared for.  Unfortunately, with that experience of not feeling I could ask to be taken care of, and especially at that time of not being taken care of when I should have had that support, I learned to take care of myself.  

35 years later I’m realizing the degree to which that has impacted me and my ability to ask to be taken care of, and letting others in.

Me constantly giving has been my call for, “I want to be taken care of” too.  Don’t get me wrong, I actually do enjoy taking care of others, and will continue to do so, though, it should be mutual instead of one-way and not to the point of no capacity, to the detriment of myself.

I’m at a point where I want and need to let others in, I want to ask to be taken care of however that looks – simple stuff, the basics, such as just being held – to feel that affection – the anxiety of asking for it and the fear of rejection shuts me down. I’m afraid of that.

There’s a part of me that’s tired of asking, I just want someone to take the reins and, for once, or even simply ask me, “What can I do for you?”.  I want to be confident in that I can actually say, ‘This is what I want and this is what I need” without that fear and anxiety.  I’m often doing it for others, why aren’t they doing it for me – OR – what am I actually missing because i don’t recognize that people may, in fact, already be doing this for me.

Is my head really that deep in the sand? 

I don’t know how to ask for it – yet I know I can ask for it; I don’t know how to ask for affection – yet I know that all I have to do is to speak up; I want to be seen, and yet, I know people see me, I know people love me.  I’ve only just been able to see how people love me, and actually accept it – for example, my partner before me heading home saying, “Get home safely” in his Dad voice.  It threw me for a loop and initially my walls went up but then I realized that was his way of showing me love because he values and cares for me, and I was able to accept and I deeply appreciate that intimate moment.

It’s a level of intimacy I want to experience and share, and I sort of have, but really letting it out and letting go is scary.  I hold it tight as many of us do.

With being so hungry for it, with the anxiety, I can come across self centred and at times selfish.  When you’re in that deep, it can be really really hard to communicate effectively and I know I’m doing my best to say, “Hey!  I’m here and this is what I need”, and I know I’m holding myself back to the frustration of my partners.  

I often feel alone, despite being with people, despite my amazing family around me – my husband, my boys, and my partner.  Not uncommon for people who are care takers.

The anxiety I’ve been living with leads me to completely misinterpret people’s actions – the opposite of what is truly intended and I’ve had to actually ask, “Do you actually mean…” to challenge my understanding and world view.  It hurts, greatly, and even more I hate having to ask at times, but it feels like I am hurting my partners in the process and it’s just another strike against me.  I hope they realize that I’m healing and getting better each time I ask and open up. 

Someone asked me recently, if I felt like I was entitled to and deserving of love, relationship, and connection.  That hit hard.  I sometimes feel like I’m not deserving of any of it – when I know damn well I am worthy and deserving.  I push down my needs, saying I don’t matter, constantly putting myself and self care with it, letting my anxieties take over.

I want to stop the ups and downs of the rollercoaster I’ve been on, and I want to be more consistent and settled.

I have a much better understanding of what has happened in certain points of my life.  Spaces and relationships that were once considered ‘safe’, perceiving being rejected and my needs not being met, becoming ‘insecure’ and the insecurities that come with it. 

I want to feel secure in my relationships. I need to be secure in knowing where I stand.  I no longer want to be that nomad searching for my place.  I want to be able to interpret how people show me love as love and appreciation.

I’m tired of love being transactional, but it’s all I’ve ever known.  I’ve had a taste of what true love and the connection that comes with it, and it feels amazing.  

What I’ve learned navigating poly dynamics – Part 1

Posted on by

“I don’t want to lose you.”, I said with tears in my eyes in December 2020, and thus started a journey of hard work, healing, connection and learning heaps about being in relationship.

You can’t help but learn heaps about yourself when in relationship, especially when you start new relationships whether poly, mono, open, etc.

We get comfortable in our existing relationships that have we’ve been in for a while, right? We get used to each other and accept things as they are. I know Scott and I certainly have in our 25 year relationship.

Recently getting into a triad and navigating poly dynamics, I’ve learned an huge amount about myself that I wanted to share that may be worth considering in your own situation.

I don’t think this is just limited to poly dynamics, but whenever someone starts a new relationship, I think you learn regardless of the context.

Vulnerability
Vulnerability is important in relationship on several levels and it can be really scary, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past and hold things close.

For example thinking, I can’t say something, I can’t open up because I might hurt the other person, repressing my feelings and thinking that I don’t matter, that my needs don’t matter – much of this was all about being afraid of being vulnerable.

By being vulnerable you not only show an aspect of who you are but you give others a chance to show who they are.

Do they want the same kind of relationship as you or generally on the same page? Are they supportive when you’re processing?  Do they listen?  Do they acknowledge and validate you, but also do they give insights that build you up?  Do you do the same for them?

Being open allows your partners to better understand you and to create a connection that may not normally be there – I have a much deeper connection with my partners and it also helped me to be better at ease with myself.

Even if it goes the other way, where others are not wanting what you want, you’re still one step closer to understanding what you and they want in relationship and finding those that will be more in sync.

Communication
I’ve had to be straight up with myself and with all of my partners. This meant having some really uncomfortable discussions, always with sensitivity or doing my best to be sensitive. It’s also meant that we’re on the same page. Everyone knows where they are at, and what kind of relationship we want to build, and bringing closure to situations or even relationships.

Calling out that you’re doing your best to communicate and that you may say something muddled, awkwardly, etc., does help and goes a long way. Scott and I have used this approach for years as I’m not always the most articulate when faced with needing to communicate something uncomfortable.

Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy will rear their ugly head. In my instance, a lot of this was and is related to societal programming, and triggers we have from past hurt and pain. Much of it was also around repressing my needs and wants, putting myself second and a long time issue around thinking I don’t matter; and then trying to dig out of that when I had needs and realized that I actually do matter.

It’s funny how, at least in the poly and open case, that societal programming almost suggests that we should feel jealousy and envy, also that fear of missing out which is complete bollocks.

We got through it by listening to each other, being gentle with each other, showing each other that the opposite of what our brains is telling us is what we want; being open to hearing the other out, and not being defensive, but considering how we may have been, our interpretations and perceptions. That space was created to just be with our emotions.

People often say they hate the concept of perception, but it’s clear that one person’s reality shaped by our experiences, is not going to be someone else’s experience shaped by their own reality, hence perception. You can’t ignore this fact.

Compersion, the opposite of jealousy is such a neat feeling. That feeling of genuine joy when partners get to experience something together and you’re not with them. We all feeling considerably closer as a result.

Triggers
I used to think that triggers were about repressing myself, i.e. I triggered someone else and as result I had to curtail something about myself rather than the other party learning something about themselves. I’ve dealt with this for a good portion of my life and after 47 years, I got to the point where something had to change because not everything is my fault and I’m not the one that always has to change, watch myself, etc – feelings I carried with me for a long time.

After being triggered myself and triggering one of my partners, we had a really good talk about this and realized that it’s often more about the triggered person having to work through something. This was a huge lesson for me.

They also didn’t mean to trigger me and with the things they came to me with, it wasn’t something that they would have known was a trigger, but it did. It’s not their fault.

While, yes, I triggered one of my partners, I didn’t do so intentionally and I didn’t even known that trigger existed in them. It opened up an opportunity to learn from each other, and an opportunity for my partner to heal as we create a space for that out of our commitments. As a result we’re a lot closer and understand each other much better.

Triggers can sometimes compound – One of my partners inadvertently hit on a bunch of my triggers spiking my anxiety in the midsts of “New Relationship Energy”; and it was difficult to dig out from all of them, but we were able to together with respect, compassion, and love.

Again, being vulnerable, opening up and having partners I could trust to be sensitive and supportive went a long way. Having someone to help provide a space and reassurance to get through a trigger is always welcome. It speaks volumes about their desire to be connected to you in the way they support you.

Also important is the desire to get to the bottom of behaviours and that commitment to work on the issues. I was ready to sort things out as was my partner.

Anxiety
I’ve learned about how anxiety has presented itself in my life. Much because of being on the receiving end of jealousy, envy and triggers for a considerably long time. I repressed myself and my needs so much that, for example, when I went to play with my boy, I couldn’t. I was frozen and totally in my head.

My anxiety would spike considerably and very much hit a head last year and it’s something I had dealt with for years, presenting itself as relationship anxiety and performance anxiety. I questioned myself – a lot of what ifs, what’s wrong with me, am I broken; and statements like I must be broken, I must be the one to blame, it’s all my fault.

For me, anxiety was a symptom of things I needed to learn and did learn from the above points.

As time has gone on and I’ve healed, I am a lot more at ease with myself. I can recognize patterns, my performance anxiety is subsiding and I am a lot more connected.

The result of the work I’ve done on myself and that partners of mine have done on themselves has set the stage for making all of my relationships considerably stronger than they ever were.

Positive changes due to COVID?

Posted on by

From December 2021, originally published on FetLife

Three weeks ago, I spent a weekend with a newer member of my Leather Family. It was a “much planned but had to change many a time trip” and it finally happened.

The weekend got me pensive about the changes COVID contributed to, that I’ve wanted to implement for years, and what it brought due to the lockdowns we all experienced.

Looking for polyamorous love in the wrong places? I’ve thought and wondered about this on my nightly walks recently.

I’ve got some varied needs between topping and bottoming and domming and subbing. I’m all over the place, and you could say I’m a bit of an experience slut. However, I have always wanted to reduce how open and free to play I was, and limit to a smaller group of like minded people that fulfill me.

Despite the challenges of COVID, it seems to have made this dream and desire come true for me.

In the past, I really enjoyed spending time at and supporting bath houses. In some respects I’m more comfortable at them than bars. Still, as time went on pre-pandemic, I successfully reduced that need and desire, and with COVID it had to drop to nil.

I’ve realized I value intimacy and connection a lot more than I realized.

Quality has always been more important than quantity for me. I’m hypersexual, so it’s not surprising that I have been on the hunt for good sex and play, and find it. Still, I have always wanted and needed something more substantial.

A year ago, Scott and I moved into our house bringing along one of his boys and my boy who lives in my basement.

Little did I realize the ride of learning about polyamory first hand on which I was about to embark.

I had to learn to communicate way better, more than I had learned with my past partners, and they too learned the same.

I chose to show vulnerability and be vulnerable; which as opened me up and opened up others, and it has contributed to more powerful and closer relationships. Others have done the same with me.

I had to deal with the root cause of jealousy and be straight up with myself to bring the change I’ve wanted, to fall in like, to build the relationships and connections I’ve wanted.

I’ve learned to be firm with decisions knowing that as a result, someone is going to go through a necessary growing pain, for their own benefit. Firm yet supportive, patient and principled.

I’ve worked hard and done my best on building, supporting and maintaining the relationship dynamics I want, and supporting my partners in the dynamics they want with other partners, all reciprocated.

Fast forward a year later. For the first time in my life, I’m feeling very much fulfilled in that, I don’t feel a need to go and seek more or want more. I’m happy with what I currently have.

It’s been well worth putting that effort into the relationships and what the universe seems to have provided is way more than I ever anticipated.

While I’ll jump on cruising sites, checking them out and connect with people, honestly, today, I’d prefer to spend that time with my various partners, and their partners because of the connections we share.

I don’t think it means I’m completely off the table, and it doesn’t mean I won’t go out or hunt online. I am always willing to entertain an offer for some fun and I have a few people knocking at my door seeking a connection that I am considering. I’m just not doing it as often, and it’s not a priority.

I’ve found a group of men that stimulate me not just sexually but also intellectually. They’re multidimensional like me versus being a one trick pony. They value connection and that connection is electric. I wouldn’t change the hard work we’ve all done.

COVID has been painful to go through. The lockdowns we’ve all experienced and some may have yet to go through, have been brutal. However, I think there are positives that have come out of this situation. For me, this is one of them.

Vulnerability and safe space

Posted on by

From December 2021, originally published on FetLife

My boy and I did a scene a few weeks ago which was certainly hot for both of us. He made me proud with what he was able to take in the context of the scene. There’s something else, though, that makes me even more proud of him.

I noticed my boy was a bit off the next day, and normally I’d ask him if he was okay, but chose to give him space as he figures out what he needs to. If it involves me then he knows he can pull me aside to have an open and frank discussion any time, and my commitment is that I will do my best to listen and be supportive. I’ve done my best to create a safe space for him to do that and he does his best to also foster that safe space for tough discussions.

I hold myself to a high standard but also accept that I will make mistakes, and I certainly have. I have finally learned not to beat myself up over those moments, and to create commitments to learn, to move forward together, which also benefits other subs in my collar, leash, etc; and even to future subs. This has been a huge thing for me to overcome and it gives a powerful voice to both of us to actually have our needs, wants and desires to be heard and met.

I will always do my best to listen to my subs, to help unpack a moment where they go “blah”, with the care and respect they deserve, even when it may be deeply triggering to me. My hope is that this helps to create a healing moment for them, that if they are in their head about approaching and talking to me, that it helps them to understand that I will listen, that I do care, and value them. It can also create a healing moment for me.

The boy had such a moment and through talking it out, we came to a mutually beneficial path forward. He gets what he needs as my sub, I get what I want and need as his Sir. I have a better understanding of him and he has a better understanding of me. It’s worth taking the time to bring each other along for the journey, together. It is so worth it.

He rightly called out that I wanted something more in the moment, that he wasn’t prepared to give, that there was something else he wanted and needed, and had some fears about stopping the play or requesting mid-scene that we go in a different direction. I had misinterpreted what he originally wanted and thought he was ready for more and took it down a wrong path.

The upshot is that we have a commitment to work on better communication, especially in the midsts of a hot scene that involves deep submission and domination, and I am encouraged to learn a bit more about the boy’s particular desire, expanding my own experiences just as I want him to expand his own experiences for me, in a positive way. I am really looking forward to the future with him and the opening this gives both of us.

Communication is key to keeping a relationship alive and hot, for keeping that intimacy.

They say that D/s can bring up baggage in a heavy way, and I know this very well from the submissive side. I want to address this but from the dominant side as some baggage came up for me during the discussion with the boy. It wasn’t introduced into the discussion via my behaviours in the discussion, but what transpired gave me more pause for thought.

I have been in a similar situation as a sub and bottom where I’ve not been ready for a particular scene to go deeper, and it’s been taken deeper by the person I’m playing with who thought I may be ready; or me thinking that I am ready and then I realize I’m not ready.

It hurts a lot as a sub to have to say no, or “I’m not ready but I want to be”, to show a degree of bravery and vulnerability to speak up. I’ve reacted and haven’t been able to find the words to communicate it effectively, the person I’m playing with has up and left throwing their hands up in the air leaving me high and dry with my emotions, thinking I’ve done something wrong when I’m doing my best to communicate, even after saying, “Hey, it’s clear I’m not ready for this but I want this in the future.” – whether during the scene or when reviewing the scene after.

It adds insult to injury when you’re already in a vulnerable place as a sub, doing your best to communicate and failing, you want to please the Dom/top and that person leaves you high and dry, with no opening to discuss, being shutdown and no ability to make commitments. You question your self worth and value, it adds to your insecurities and destabilizes the relationship. It doesn’t create that safe space we need to foster and nurture.

I get that it’s frustrating to be all ready, hot and bothered as a top or dom, only to feel let down. I’ve been there! However, we as dominants and tops can choose how we react in the moment to either make (i.e. support) or break the sub; especially if our reaction is driven by our own baggage and the examples in our past lives.

I have always believed we should get into the sub’s world to understand them, to understand what happened. That doesn’t mean the sub shouldn’t try the same. They should as they’re just much a part of the relationship as the dom. Walls being up on either side of the dynamic does nothing to foster the safe space, healing and togetherness. Like the Berlin Wall, it fosters divide.

We can choose to break the cycle of pain, taking the high road and saying, “No, I will not stand for the hurt and pain that I’ve received in the past, and commit to being that change. It has no place in this moment and I will leave this in the past.” Why continually perpetuate pain?

I think it’s important to remember, dominants can have just as much baggage as submissives.

It’s kind of like being a parent. I observed, recently, challenges that a young sub in their mid 20s had with their family unit when something happened. One of their parents reacted really badly to the situation, but then awareness was brought to that parent about how they were being in that moment. That parent realized they were perpetuating something they experienced in their own childhood. They committed to change while apologizing to their child.

What was amazing was that this involved multiple generations. When awareness was brought to the parent’s parent (the grandparent) about what was going on, they stepped up to genuinely apologize to their child in their early 50s, for their behaviours many years ago. It’s created multiple levels of healing that will completely transform, positively, the nature of their relationships and the family dynamic for many years.

This is, almost, a mini-lesson in Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Here is how I interpret the seven tenets:

  • Be Proactive – Reach out, check in, do the responsible thing. Let the sub/dom know you’re willing to talk; and make sure you do talk.
  • Begin with the End in Mind – What do you both want out of this that is going to be fulfilling? A better and closer relationship, I hope, but I also acknowledge that sometimes relationships have to come to an end.
  • Put First Things First – Realize that dealing with these issues sooner rather than letting them fester is very important, balancing what’s going on in your life.
  • Think Win/Win – You both have needs and wants you want to have met and possibly to give, can both of you get your needs and/or wants met over time?
  • Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood – Taking the time to understand the other party, what came up for them; and share your experience, what came up for you.
  • Synergize – Realize that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I interpret this as how strong the couple gets, and how fulfilled people feel through his process.
  • Sharpen the Saw – The continual process of learning and committing to being a better human in relationship.

What I have experienced lets me put myself in the shoes of my subs. As the dom, I could throw my arms up and have a mini tantrum over not getting my way, but I can guarantee you that I would lose my sub over that very quickly. I don’t ever want to put my subs in that situation, ever. I don’t ever want to be that person, in that moment, to a sub as I’m trying to foster a safe space.

If I do have a moment where I don’t react well, I make sure I own it and apologize. Even that can be hard if you’ve not had a safe space where an apology can be heard and accepted. It’s gotten easier for my boy and I, both ways as we’ve grown together because we both want our relationship to last a long time.

I don’t know, in the instance of my partner at the time, what they were feeling. It’s unfortunate that I did trigger something in them, unintentionally, but for too long I have held on to, “it must be my fault”; when I did my best to communicate as I could in the moment, even if I did fail. I did later ask, “What happened?” wanting to connect and heal, only to be shutdown.

In that moment they had a choice in how they behaved whether it’s blowing up as they did or getting into my world and what was coming up for me which mutually benefits each other as we both open up and explore a path forward together. It’s sad and they’ve never taken the steps to clear the air with me and take responsibility for their actions, and presumably their own baggage.

Choosing to foster open and honest two-way communication with my subs no matter how much it hurts has lead to great discussions, it’s cultivated commitments and changes for each of us, it’s created a level of intimacy between us, and we are stronger for it. I feel closer to my subs as a result and they feel closer to me. We have a much deeper connection, there is a good level of trust between us, and we’re having really hot scenes with a connection that has blown both of us away.

As a dom, in my experience, showing vulnerability, openness, a willingness to work on my own baggage and even dealing with my insecurities and including my subs in that process; just as my subs have has lead to that deeper connection.

I choose to be open to my subs when so that they better understand me, and also the commitments I make within those challenges. More importantly, I am clear to them that that this is my baggage and not their’s.

As a result, I am thankful for the stand they make to be by my side, just as they appreciate the stand I make for them as I stand by them.

The Ethical Slut

Posted on by

From November 2021, originally published on FetLife

I just finished re-reading The Ethical Slut. Given the new relationships and relationship changes that I’ve been through in the past year, it was a much needed read.

A few things things I got out of the book was

  • reframing the fear of losing with the joy of abundance,
  • that intimacy and connection are very much what we make of it,
  • and realizing that jealousy and envy as a symptom of something much deeper that should be reflected on and something to be healed.

Some of this I’ve known for a long time, but sometimes re-reading and being open to re-learning takes things to a deeper level.

“Do your best to fall in like” – I love this from the book and this particular section. I’ve learned HUGE lessons in the past year about this, and with allowing myself to self-reflect and bring my walls down, I’ve been able to create much deeper connections than I ever imagined.

I highly recommend reading this book, reading it a few times, especially when you’re navigating new and old relationships.

Nineteen Months

Posted on by

From October 2021, originally published on FetLife

Nineteen months ago I left the UK for what I thought was going to be a very brief period of leave while we got through COVID. I literally and naively thought that three months would go by and all would be good.

Nope.

I built a relationship with a doggo starting in August 2019 and we clicked really well. As his Handler I started planning a few things out as I saw heaps of potential in this pup, and had started to ramp things up, all of which fell apart in a blink of an eye.

This weekend we reconnected, nineteen months to the day we last saw each other.

I am proud of the man and doggo he’s become in those nineteen months of hell for him.

It was pretty gut wrenching not being able to follow through with the plans I had for 2020, to help him through the COVID pandemic in person; but after this trip, we have a new opening, new opportunities, and an agreement on seeing each other again well into 2023 and hopefully beyond.

Thoughts on a permanent collar

Posted on by

From April 2021, originally published on FetLife

A few months ago, Scott and I bought a house. It was mainly due to needing more space, but there was definitely an element of COVID safety in our decision as well – having lived in a condo building where people won’t wear their masks properly.

My boy moved into our house, into the basement. It’s fully his space, save for my “Synth Cave” which is my office, studio and maker space all in one.

It’s been an interesting ride since November when we all moved in, lots of change, learning more about each other, some ups and downs. It’s been good for all of us for personal growth, deeper dominance and submission.

I was recently asked by my boy, of four years, for a more permanent collar. I never thought I would ever hear this request from anyone, ever.

It was somewhat perfect timing because I’ve wanted to take things to the next level with him, and I had started taking things in that direction through our discussions, readings and such to see where we both wanted to go. If you’re wanting to give more control to me, then put your servitude where you mouth is.

I admit, I was surprised at the request. but it shows the level of commitment and devotion the boy has. As a dom, this is the most serious D/s relationship I’ve been in. That relationship that snuck up behind me, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “I pick you, Pikachu”! Okay, maybe not the right analogy.

The past two years since 2019 has been a journey in finding myself on the dominant side of things, slowly taking my relationship with my boy to the next level, taking on a pup long distance, becoming more at ease with Fetish and my interests.

I wrote some notes when I asked the boy, “What does this collar mean to you?”, and I thought I should do the same thing.

A collar on a sub can represent many things from family connection, to connection (such as Master Chuck’s collar I wear that states “under the guidance of”), to ownership (as I once was to Master Chuck as slave – his property).

A collar signifies commitment on many levels, on both sides – the boy showing his commitment to his Sir to learn and grow in his sub space; Sir to boy that he will not intentionally harm the boy, lead him to grow, but also to learn and grow in dom space.

A permanent collar is not unlike a wedding ring – I admit, I’m using Master Chuck’s words here, but it’s true in this case. It does signify a deeper connection and willingness to defer to Sir. You’ve attained such connection and importance in Sir’s life.

We have gotten to a point where there is good communication (even when it’s challenging), we have made commitments to each other, and even when there is a failure, we both look at it as a growth opportunity.

While the Dom may be in control, ultimately the sub lets the Dom work their magic through the sub’s surrender. his willingness to surrender to my will, his willingness to trust me, his willingness to give control to me aspects of his life that we agree to. The yin and yang that through that “imbalance” creates balance.

he completes a part of me just as my partner, my pup, and Sir do; just as his partner, his boy, his Dad and I do.

As we’ve talked and negotiated the collar, there’s been a distinct shift from how we used to interact to how we now interact.

To use the boy’s own works, “Makes it feel more permanent instead of part time”, and “Will bring more structure” – Which is something my boy craves and needs.

It’s getting to me

Posted on by

COVID, physical distancing, and everything related to the new reality is starting to really get to me and while I’m aware enough of my mental health to realise this, I am feeling situational depression and apathy settling in. It’s taking a lot for me to get into my gear, to light up my pipe, and just enjoy being in that space.

I had a hell of an 8 week period where COVID was very much in the background from the beginning of March to the end of May between dealing with three weeks of food poisoning, the decline and eventual passing of my mother due to a fall and head trauma, and then the passing of our cat, Shadow. They say things like this happen in threes.

I got through April and May with attending a few virtual meet ups – direct with friends, Beareoke, Leathermen Scotland, Manchester Leathermen and more recently, Kamikaze Karaoke.

I have been focused on a music project that I’ve mostly completed, but realised that it would be best to write two more tracks to complete the album to swap out two covers. I’m fine with this, and completed one of the two tracks. The second track is proving difficult to write, and it’s pushing me hard. It will be epic, but I admit, I’m feeling a bit tired of this project. I just want it to be done.

Work has been over the top busy due to the timing of where we’re at in the project, and it’s been exhausting.

I digress. I’ve pulled back and gotten a bit insular recently, more so over the past to weeks. I know I can be a bit of an enigma keeping things to myself. My hobbies of music production, making stuff with a 3D printer and tech (Arduino, Raspberry Pi) beyond my interests in BDSM, Leather and Rubber can be pretty solo.

Zoom meetings cause me to zone out. 16 years of consulting using WebEx, Teams, Skype, Google Hangouts and now Zoom wears on you. While chats and Karaoke are fun, I admit I’m finding it hard to dig deep and make efforts the past two weeks. When I do, typically it’s been solo activities because I’m capitalizing on, “I have the energy and desire!”.

This weekend would have been Pride weekend, my 23rd anniversary with my husband, and my 3rd anniversary of collaring my boy. We’d be proudly strutting our stuff down Church St seeing friends and extended family of choice. One more thing that’s been taken away from us due to COVID.

I’ve been sad with not having my subs around – although three to four weeks ago we did open up the bubble to my boy – more below. I am also very much missing getting sub time to help reset me, which I occasionally need.

My husband has had two of his subs here at Casa Ursus isolating with us. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been fantastic having them here as they add a bit of colour to our day, they have been making great meals, working on laundry and helping us with various tasks although in a smaller space, four of us can sometimes step on each other’s toes. They have been helpful and I appreciate them.

In recent weeks, we opened a bubble to include my boy for a few reasons:

  • he was in hospital with chest pains,
  • while we understood the need too be distant, him being an extrovert and very tactile and missing his husband and me was causing a considerable amount of stress,
  • a week after we opened the bubble, the government gave the okay for family bubbles of up to 10 people to open up.

Since opening up the bubble, he’s been helping to get me out, walking and such. However, he’s now back isolating for two weeks as his husband was able to come up from the United States for two weeks. While isolation is a pain for all of us, this is a very good thing for the boy and his husband and I’m very glad he is getting the time he more than needs.

While my boy is mostly sorted out, it’s been very hard being long distant with my pup. The distance is probably the one things I am most upset about, and as I write this, I’m crying and letting out the emotions I’ve not been able to get out. The food poisoning episode sure as hell didn’t help the end of my last trip to see him, and now, as I write this it’s been 16 weeks, 112 days since we last saw each other in person.

The travel I had been doing for the past year was expected to run until December 2020. During that time I was planning on spending some significant time with him, also bring my boy over to the UK so they both could meet in August.

While we would have to figure out, navigate and foster a long distance connection, I wasn’t expecting to have to do it so soon. This hurts a huge amount. I’m angry over the situation COVID has presented because there’s so much I want to do and give and I can’t. An opportunity lost to the history books of pandemics.

The distancing prior to the bubble opening up between the boy and me, and the distance between the pup and had me has me in a place where I don’t know how to navigate the dynamic. I’m not sure most of us know as we’re figuring it out as we go along.

The distance between Sir and me has been a bit less of a challenge as I’ve focused on subs in my life, though I’m maintaining connection with our usual morning greeting and occasional video. Sir has also had a very busy work period. Still the question has been posed to Him – What would be the acceptable risk, what would be the criteria for U/us to get together again. I’ll be asking the pup the same question.

The distance between Daddy Dave and me has also had it’s challenges as he’s gone through a lot of change over the past year as well. It will be a long time before he travels or I get to California.

COVID is not something you want. The potential long-term issues it raises as a blood disease rather than just a respiratory issue are scary.

Seeing what’s happening in the United States does not make me want to visit that country anytime soon. I fear for friends, family and family of choice. The fact that L-1s are currently on hold stops me from travelling there for work. Possibly a blessing in disguise at one level, but possibly scary at another as an excuse to lock down the border and create walls given the current administration.

Seeing the irresponsibility of what’s happening in the United Kingdom, it is just going to delay my ability to get back to the UK for both work and pleasure, and I really want to get back there and see my friends and new family. While statistics are on the decline which is good, I’m hoping the stupidity of people going to the beach does not cause a massive spike. We’ll know in another week and a half.

You can be guaranteed that people will be left wondering why is there another massive spike in COVID-19 cases – because of the COVIdiots!

COVID has taken away our ability to interact with each other at the intimate levels we’re used to as kinksters. Intimacy is a basic human need and it’s something that I have come to appreciate through the pandemic.

I hope the world learns from this. I hope we can get back to some normalcy despite expected changes. I hope we can travel and be as intimate again.

This has been cathartic to get out, however there’s still something inside me that’s saying I still need an outlet – getting out, doing something social and I don’t know what it is. I often get this way when I’m at home in general even without COVID.

I guess when I’m on the road, I’m so used to going places and seeing new things. Despite Ontario opening up to stage two of isolation guidelines, I’m still of the thought – stay home as much as possible and if you do go out, wear a fucking mask.

I’ve asked Scott and the boys, “Can we do something together on Wednesday or Thursday?” as this Wednesday is Canada Day which is a statutory (bank) holiday, and I have Thursday off for PTO.

If you want it, then build it

Posted on by

This past week has been somewhat frustrating for me. A week that was supposed to be a bonkers celebration book ended by two big events – Manchester Rubber Weekend and the Great British Bear Bash with my birthday smack in the middle on a Wednesday.

Then COVID-19 happened.

*sigh*

My take on it is this: There isn’t much that we can do other than stay on lockdown and make the best of what we have. There isn’t much we can control, right? As frustrating as it is, we have to pretty much stay in and the only way we can be social is through online content.

We have to build it, and figure it out quick because none of us know how long we’re going to be in quarantine and it’s going to be different on a country by country basis.

That is what I want to focus on. Groups like

Manbears Manchester who value creating and maintaining a community, doing what they can to help bring people together during the lockdown days.

Great British Bear Bash was moved online with

  • The lockdown quiz giving us a fun event over Zoom
  • DJ Poni and Mr. Moodybear DJing epic sets online letting us all dance our living rooms or bedrooms
  • Bearoke with Mr. Moodybear taking place Sunday

Scott, Burke, Nico and I attended these events virtuallyout of respect for the organizers who have worked hard to bring something together for people out there in the world, virtually.

Leathermen Scotland who, literally, formed this past April in the midst of a lockdown in Scotland, have held regular socials during the week and on weekends, a karaoke event and even a mixology class. Yes, they formed from the Glasgow Leather Social which has been running for the past year, but they’ve continued to maintain their community and hopefully unite Scottish Leathermen in the process.

Manchester Leathermen, Manchester Rubbermen, and SouthWest RubberMen even mass online communities like Kinky Bears vibrant with people interacting.

For years I’ve heard complaints in Toronto about, “There is no community”. I’ve NEVER been comfortable with people saying this because those are the people who sit back and do sweet fuck all to build anything.

If you want community then get off your arse and fucking build it. I’ve seen this countless times over the past year in Europe, people putting their heart and soul into their community to build it up and people genuinely appreciating it (even with nay sayers who do nothing but criticize. Those communities I’ve interacted with inspires me.

As much as I love travelling for work, unfortunately it doesn’t afford me much of an opportunity to get as involved as I would like to. On the flip side, Toronto has had to go through the near-collapse of it’s kink community, and new people need to come in, pick it up and rebuild it.

If we want it, we have to build it

I am also going through my own rebirth which started a year ago, and as part of that, getting out is part of that. The next part is starting to build something I am very interested in seeing grow – an actual discussion group for Rubbermen in Toronto.

Thank you Manbears Manchester and DJs – Aaron, Andrew, Mike, Richard, Steve and James for the work you’ve all done to change direction for this weekend, to build something for this weekend, to maintain and to continue building community.