Category Archives: Safety

It’s getting to me

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COVID, physical distancing, and everything related to the new reality is starting to really get to me and while I’m aware enough of my mental health to realise this, I am feeling situational depression and apathy settling in. It’s taking a lot for me to get into my gear, to light up my pipe, and just enjoy being in that space.

I had a hell of an 8 week period where COVID was very much in the background from the beginning of March to the end of May between dealing with three weeks of food poisoning, the decline and eventual passing of my mother due to a fall and head trauma, and then the passing of our cat, Shadow. They say things like this happen in threes.

I got through April and May with attending a few virtual meet ups – direct with friends, Beareoke, Leathermen Scotland, Manchester Leathermen and more recently, Kamikaze Karaoke.

I have been focused on a music project that I’ve mostly completed, but realised that it would be best to write two more tracks to complete the album to swap out two covers. I’m fine with this, and completed one of the two tracks. The second track is proving difficult to write, and it’s pushing me hard. It will be epic, but I admit, I’m feeling a bit tired of this project. I just want it to be done.

Work has been over the top busy due to the timing of where we’re at in the project, and it’s been exhausting.

I digress. I’ve pulled back and gotten a bit insular recently, more so over the past to weeks. I know I can be a bit of an enigma keeping things to myself. My hobbies of music production, making stuff with a 3D printer and tech (Arduino, Raspberry Pi) beyond my interests in BDSM, Leather and Rubber can be pretty solo.

Zoom meetings cause me to zone out. 16 years of consulting using WebEx, Teams, Skype, Google Hangouts and now Zoom wears on you. While chats and Karaoke are fun, I admit I’m finding it hard to dig deep and make efforts the past two weeks. When I do, typically it’s been solo activities because I’m capitalizing on, “I have the energy and desire!”.

This weekend would have been Pride weekend, my 23rd anniversary with my husband, and my 3rd anniversary of collaring my boy. We’d be proudly strutting our stuff down Church St seeing friends and extended family of choice. One more thing that’s been taken away from us due to COVID.

I’ve been sad with not having my subs around – although three to four weeks ago we did open up the bubble to my boy – more below. I am also very much missing getting sub time to help reset me, which I occasionally need.

My husband has had two of his subs here at Casa Ursus isolating with us. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been fantastic having them here as they add a bit of colour to our day, they have been making great meals, working on laundry and helping us with various tasks although in a smaller space, four of us can sometimes step on each other’s toes. They have been helpful and I appreciate them.

In recent weeks, we opened a bubble to include my boy for a few reasons:

  • he was in hospital with chest pains,
  • while we understood the need too be distant, him being an extrovert and very tactile and missing his husband and me was causing a considerable amount of stress,
  • a week after we opened the bubble, the government gave the okay for family bubbles of up to 10 people to open up.

Since opening up the bubble, he’s been helping to get me out, walking and such. However, he’s now back isolating for two weeks as his husband was able to come up from the United States for two weeks. While isolation is a pain for all of us, this is a very good thing for the boy and his husband and I’m very glad he is getting the time he more than needs.

While my boy is mostly sorted out, it’s been very hard being long distant with my pup. The distance is probably the one things I am most upset about, and as I write this, I’m crying and letting out the emotions I’ve not been able to get out. The food poisoning episode sure as hell didn’t help the end of my last trip to see him, and now, as I write this it’s been 16 weeks, 112 days since we last saw each other in person.

The travel I had been doing for the past year was expected to run until December 2020. During that time I was planning on spending some significant time with him, also bring my boy over to the UK so they both could meet in August.

While we would have to figure out, navigate and foster a long distance connection, I wasn’t expecting to have to do it so soon. This hurts a huge amount. I’m angry over the situation COVID has presented because there’s so much I want to do and give and I can’t. An opportunity lost to the history books of pandemics.

The distancing prior to the bubble opening up between the boy and me, and the distance between the pup and had me has me in a place where I don’t know how to navigate the dynamic. I’m not sure most of us know as we’re figuring it out as we go along.

The distance between Sir and me has been a bit less of a challenge as I’ve focused on subs in my life, though I’m maintaining connection with our usual morning greeting and occasional video. Sir has also had a very busy work period. Still the question has been posed to Him – What would be the acceptable risk, what would be the criteria for U/us to get together again. I’ll be asking the pup the same question.

The distance between Daddy Dave and me has also had it’s challenges as he’s gone through a lot of change over the past year as well. It will be a long time before he travels or I get to California.

COVID is not something you want. The potential long-term issues it raises as a blood disease rather than just a respiratory issue are scary.

Seeing what’s happening in the United States does not make me want to visit that country anytime soon. I fear for friends, family and family of choice. The fact that L-1s are currently on hold stops me from travelling there for work. Possibly a blessing in disguise at one level, but possibly scary at another as an excuse to lock down the border and create walls given the current administration.

Seeing the irresponsibility of what’s happening in the United Kingdom, it is just going to delay my ability to get back to the UK for both work and pleasure, and I really want to get back there and see my friends and new family. While statistics are on the decline which is good, I’m hoping the stupidity of people going to the beach does not cause a massive spike. We’ll know in another week and a half.

You can be guaranteed that people will be left wondering why is there another massive spike in COVID-19 cases – because of the COVIdiots!

COVID has taken away our ability to interact with each other at the intimate levels we’re used to as kinksters. Intimacy is a basic human need and it’s something that I have come to appreciate through the pandemic.

I hope the world learns from this. I hope we can get back to some normalcy despite expected changes. I hope we can travel and be as intimate again.

This has been cathartic to get out, however there’s still something inside me that’s saying I still need an outlet – getting out, doing something social and I don’t know what it is. I often get this way when I’m at home in general even without COVID.

I guess when I’m on the road, I’m so used to going places and seeing new things. Despite Ontario opening up to stage two of isolation guidelines, I’m still of the thought – stay home as much as possible and if you do go out, wear a fucking mask.

I’ve asked Scott and the boys, “Can we do something together on Wednesday or Thursday?” as this Wednesday is Canada Day which is a statutory (bank) holiday, and I have Thursday off for PTO.

A sad day for kink

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This is probably going to be one of the more important blog entries that I will ever write, and I hope that many of my readers and even those who just pass through will stop, pause, think and get something out of this.

As some of you may have learned –  the kink scene in Toronto, Ontario, Canada and I’m going to even say the world, has lost someone who I feel was an important contributor to the world of rubber and kink however you identify.

Matt of Kink Engineering was, I think, an amazing man in our community.  Sadly, at the age of 35, he passed away accidently doing what he loved – his passion for kink and rubber in his amazingly geeky way.  This is a man who loved what he did and chose to make a life out of it all.

To Archean and the Kink Engineering staff I send much love to all of you.  I can’t even begin to understand the senselessness of the situation.

I met Matt and Archean through KinkDan and had a chance to visit their studio twice.  What an amazing rubber-geek heaven.  Matt was so passionate about what he did, combining engineering, science and kink.  It got me thinking that, “Wow, here is a couple who is not only loving life, but doing what they wanted.  Scared given that they were starting to make a living off of Kink Engineering, but you’ve gotta give it your best shot.”  Just wow.

Matt and Archean also were presenting at the Festival Kinky de Montréal when I presented a CBT seminar, and I am very much smiling over having been put in the famous H. Kitty vac bed they had.  I loved how passionate they were for their kink, and giving people experiences to give it a shot.  Always appreciated and infections.  That helped when I was at a low time in my own kink life.  Thank you for bringing some light to me at that time.

I wish we could have interacted more and I appreciate everything you have done for rubber, kink and the general community.  You will be sadly missed Matt.

 

Hats of to Kink Engineering for being up front and brutally honest about what happened.  While some may criticize, I think you have done a good service to the community – muchos kudos a todos!

Along with Kink Engineering, I am choosing to link to the note that KE posted on their blog because I think it’s important that people know the dangers of experimenting by yourself when it involves breath play, asphyxiation, tying stuff around your neck.

To be clear – I have no idea if Matt was in a solo play situation or testing new equipment for play.  It sounds like the latter.  Either way, hats off to Matt for doing what he loved – and I don’t mean that to take away from the gravity of the situation nor show disrespect to Matt.

I am going to use two key quotes from the blog entry that I think are vital for people to understand.  The second is much later in this post, but the first I will use talked about the biological reactions that happen when the throat is constricted too tight – to quote:

The baro receptors in his internal carotid arteries signaled to his body that his blood pressure was dangerously high, and this sent off a vagal response to slow the heart.  Since the signal of high blood pressure could not be relieved, Matt lost consciousness and the vagal response caused his heart to stop completely.

It is vital to understand the mechanics of the body.

 

For the remainder of this blog entry, I want to address the importance of safety when constricting the neck.  I am not going to cover the ‘hows’, while I have been involved in scenes as a bottom, I do not feel qualified to talk about the ‘hows’ and I know I could use more information.   I am fortunate for the education I already have received over the years in this play, so that I can play that much safer and still have a hot time.

 

I love breath play.

I know I have some majorly deep fantasies about breath play.

There’s nothing like feeling someone else’s arm around my throat as they’re on top of me, fucking me deep, knowing they’re in control, feeling their arm hairs and a cock spasming in me as Sir cums, my cock rock hard as I blow my load, spewing string of cum after string of cum, who knows how violently out of my cock.

Something around my throat to hold me down in a gangster scene.  I’ve been there and it’s fucking hot and scary at the same time.

Feeling the gasket of a rubber vac bed, feeling that tightness around my neck and body as the vacuum sucks down and holds me in place.

Holding my breath in some way when jacking off.

Hell, I’d love to experience being KOed while being fucked and coming through with someone relentlessly fucking my ass in a sling.

I’ve also been KOed unintentionally, in a scene with someone because I relaxed so much.  While it was hot for both of us, I also know it was also potentially scary if for any reason I did not come through.  I also remember the “funky chicken” as I shook when coming through and the slight disorientation not realizing what happened.

Some of these are not practical but it’s hot to fantasize about it and why shouldn’t we be able to fantasize about these kinds of things?

We all know that we shouldn’t do it alone and while it may be hot to put that tourniquet, rope, whatever tool around our throats alone when we jack off – it’s not safe.  We’ve lost too many people in this world that way.

Please, please, please do let someone know what you’re doing so you can be monitored to make sure you are safe.  Even if you’re experienced as Matt was, just let someone know  or have them participate.  If you’re trying something new or experimenting, talk it through with someone and have someone there.  If you can, eroticize having that second person, go for it!

Please do get training if you are interested in learning about how to safely do breath control play or if you’re a bottom and want to understand safety and body reactions.  For example  the trachea could be crushed in a scene gone wrong.

People are doing it, out there, right now.  This is why we need to be able to talk about advanced play scenes – 300 and 400 level play if you will.  Someone has to be able to teach it and there has to be an avenue for this kind of education.  To the people that say there is too much risk in teaching such classes, I think there is too much risk in not disseminating the education.

If you’re cocky, and not saying Matt was, but that’s even more of an alarm to get a refresher.  You could have all the safety equipment in the world – but to quote the KE blog:

Had there been a person to assist outside the vac bed, they would have been able to get him out at the first sign of trouble or non-responsiveness.  All Matt’s safety contingency plans relied on him still being conscious enough to implement them, and thus, they were useless.

I step off my soapbox.

I don’t know if this is an appropriate song or not… it just feels right.