Give a little respect…

So today, I got a lesson in Gender Politics.  It something I know I’ve needed to learn a bit more about, and now seems the right time.

I digress.

Following up to my post from this morning we’ve had a few developments:

  • First we have someone who did write TLP worried about their policy for the Surge party.  I applaud you Heather for standing by your beliefs.  While we may disagree on points, I do salute and respect you as a Leatherwoman.
  • We have a new press release from TLP that says they were threatened via “Not-For-Profit Corporation Act”.
  • There is a meeting for Community Response to Surge Press Release.
  • And we have a whole bunch of angry people on Fetlife.

Before I get started, I will say that I will probably offend somebody, everyone, possibly nobody in this blog post.  As far as I am concerned, I am doing my best to understand and share my thoughts on a VERY complex topic.  If I offend you, please don’t just dismiss me because I’m a white privileged fat gay Leatherman.

Firstly, and I have said this many times – I believe in multiple kinds of spaces.  I believe that we need our own spaces, to be with our own kind.  I also believe we need spaces where we can be all together and variances in between.  Why can’t we have spaces for men, women and combined spaces?  Why do men want their man caves?  Is it such a bad thing?

I do not believe it is a bad thing in fact, quite the opposite – quite healthy.

Let me talk binary for a second – In a play sense, in a men-only space, guys can let go and be how they want to be.  In women’s space, I know it would be the same thing.  Add men into women’s space, and the dynamic changes.  Add women into male space and the dynamic changes.  Add transpeople to space and it’s the same thing – the dynamic changes.  I’m not saying that this is necessarily bad or good, it just changes.

If you’re looking for a particular dynamic, you want that particular dynamic.

Do I really need to say that for some people, mixing dynamics just doesn’t work or doesn’t work in a particular moment?  It’s like, if I want to be in “Bearspace”, I don’t necessarily want some nelly Twinky Queeny guy around commenting that my boots aren’t Prada.  I want big masculine furry men fucking my ass, or a few furry asses to fuck.  Is that too hard to ask?  Yes, I am being exclusionary because that is what I need and want.

That’s what we have here.

Face it, if you think the mythical Gay Unicorn Leatherman is difficult to find, you should try finding Leatherwomen and Leatherdykes.  Okay, I’ve found a few, quite a few, and there are some phenomenal women and trans leaders in our community.  That said, considering the Leatherwomen’s community has had little support in Toronto, and there has been little support over the past few years until now… And even now someone is giving women and transfolk, again, the short end of the stick.  Do I really need to remind everyone of the Pussy Palace Raids in 2000?

Men do I need to remind you of the Operation Soap raids of 1981?  Same shit, different shovel.

Alright, so getting back to the matter at hand, the party had the following disclaimer:

“Open to Women and Trans People Only – Part of the TLP 2012 Weekend. For the purpose of this event, “Trans Persons” are considered as those who live 24/7 as the gender for which they identify. All others are welcome to attend the Fetish Party that begins at 11pm.” 

Okay, so I agree that that may be a bit too binary.  It does technically exclude people who are transitioning or starting their journeys as transgendered.  I don’t believe that was the intention or spirit, and mistakes happen.

Knowing some of the organizers have attended the Pleasure Palace Toronto (aka Pussy Palace), I’m surprised the policy wasn’t similar to the following:

“A Queer Women and Trans Bathhouse
PS No cis* men please
*Cis refers to those whose gender identity matches their biological sex”

Based on what Heather was requesting, in her blog and letter to TLP, I think the above definition would work and also allow androgynous, genderqueer, genderfluid, and genderfucked folk to attend.

I can think of some people who might identify in one of those boxes – but I don’t truly know for sure if that is how they identify; who would be allowed to attend with that policy.  I also know they would be allowed in to the event with the original policy as well on a case by case basis – not that the bouncer is going to be that strict, most likely.

The argument around Cross Dressing and Transvestites that has come up?  Well, do they live their lives as women 24/7?  Most as far as I know do not and are still technically cis-males.  Given this event is supposed to be a women and transgendered event… To quote boi jen from Florida: “The reality is that the space is created as a safe space for those who *live* outside of that norm. Not folks who indulge in a fetish of dress up and then get to go back to heir safe little boxes at the end of the night.”  And in many respects, I suspect most would not want to go to a Leather event anyway and those who do, would probably be respectful.

Why do we need to have all-inclusive spaces, all the time, for every event we do?  The answer is, we don’t.

I will be honest, I do not support Toronto Leather Pride in completely opening up what is supposed and should be a women and transgendered event to everyone.  That space needs to remain closed to cis-men for one night.  At the same time, whoever is stirring this shit up and threatening needs to grow up.  I also believe that HOTFF should have pushed back on the calls for legal action to use a quote from Twitter: “tedious short-sighted identity politics are often politically unsophisticated & detrimental on larger scale.”.

That said, I said it earlier today while I am not affiliated with Toronto Leather Pride or Heart of the Flag Productions, I appreciate what the organization does to setup events for the Leather community whether we identify as Gay, Lesbian, Trans, Queer, Pan or Straight.

For the Leathermen who read my blog and read this entry, I propose we respect the spirit of the event and support women and transgendered folk in our community.  They’ve earned the space a long time ago – don’t forget who looked after gay men as they were dying in the 80s and 90s.  They shouldn’t have to work so hard to claim their rightful spot.  Men – let’s choose not to enter into what was going to be considered the women & trans-only space, let’s drink and salute our women and transgendered brothers and sisters, after all we have ample enough space.  They need our support.

To those women, transfolks, and however you identify – I hope you will come to the Eagle and claim your rightful space by our side in however that space develops and I pity the man who dares to give you attitude or say you do not belong, when clearly you do belong.

If you have a problem with a potentially ‘exclusive’ event and you want to setup an event that is more open – then show leadership and set it up.  I’d be more than happy to support you.  Don’t pull the legal card – it doesn’t help you nor the greater community.  And if the individual or individuals are from the Pan community as called out by the original press release, then to the enlightened members of the Pan community, you have a duty to stand up and call those individuals on their shit because they are causing a rift – much like I continue to stand up to people when they use broad strokes against the pan community.

It’s easy to criticize, it’s harder to act.

Surge Women and Trans Bar Night Important Update

While I am not affiliated with Toronto Leather Pride or Heart of the Flag Productions, I appreciate what the organization does to setup events for the Leather community whether we identify as Gay, Lesbian, Trans, Queer, Pan or Straight.

It’s come to light that someone is stirring up shit towards the Lesbian and Trans community.  It amazing that people cannot accept the building of a separate space for those who want it and need it, while there are still lots of spaces for us to come together as one.  As I have always said, I support spaces where we can all meet separately and do our own thing, and also spaces where we can all come together.

As a gay man, I totally get that we all need our separate spaces, and I also support the fact that there is a wealth of spaces that are completely open to all of us.  Is someone about to launch a lawsuit against bath houses because they are exclusive to men?

Obviously a group of people don’t get this.  Whoever is trying to apply the “Anti-discrimination Act of Ontario” (Ontario Human Rights Code?) to this should be ashamed of themselves and truly does not understand or respect our differences.

To my Lesbian sisters and Trans brothers & sisters – I support you in the continued building of your community.  If there is anything I can do to support you, please let me know.

Below is a link to the announcement posted at Toronto Leather Pride’s website:

http://torontoleatherpride.ca/2012/08/surge-women-and-trans-bar-night-important-update/

Press Release
Tuesday, August 01, 2012
Toronto, Ontario
For immediate release:

Important Update for the Surge Women and Trans Bar Night Event.

Earlier this week Heart of the Flag Federation Inc. (HOTF) received several email letters and an appeal from representatives from the pan/straight leather community regarding concerns over the upcoming Surge Women and Trans bar night.

The first time event, which is to be held on the Friday evening of the Toronto Leather Pride weekend at the Black Eagle, was planned to essentially give our Leather Dykes, Queer Women and Trans People the opportunity to celebrate Leather Pride in a safe environment within an actual leather/kink/fetish bar.

The common concern and theme within each of the letters we received surrounded the issue of segregation of the event in a closed area of the venue and that by hosting a closed party HOTF may then be in violation of the Anti-discrimination Act of Ontario.

As HOTF adheres to the anti-discrimination act we have decided, along with the Black Eagle, to avoid any perception of any violation of the act and will not use the curtain that the venue uses for its dress code nights to separate the evening’s two events. Therefore, the Surge Women and Trans event will now be held simultaneously as the Fetish Gear Party, will still take place in the second floor room and will now be open to everyone.

HOTF apologises for any and all inconvenience that this change in this event may cause and invites everyone to attend both parties as collective celebration of Leather Pride.

Your hosts for the combined event will be Lamamlani, – International Ms. Leather 2009, Tarna – BBT 2012/IMsBB 2012 and Alex Canning – MLT 2012. The demonstration by Lamalani will proceed as planned.

We hope that you will join as our guest at the Black Eagle Toronto that welcomes and supports the whole leather, kink and fetish community including Leather Dykes, Queer Women and the Trans People all year long, on Friday, August 10 starting at 10pm for both these events that equally celebrate the pride we all have in our community.

Pantheon of Leather: Canadian Award

The Pantheon of Leather awards were announced today in The Leather Journal. I believe the printed newspaper was released July 30th or 31st, and the online edition was updated today.

As posted on Facebook, I am completely floored, honoured and humbled to get the news that I have been awarded the Pantheon of Leather Canadian Award. There have been so many people behind me and I thank them. This award is for all of you and the role you played in my life!

Even up until yesterday, I was saying to people, “There’s no way in hell I’m going to win that award.”  There were some significant names on the list of nominees this year, and a significant number of names on that list as past winners.  There are so many people that I know who should be recognized for their community involvement and I hope to see their names on the list.

As I said there have been so many people behind me who have pushed me along in my leather life, internationally, who have helped me to grow as a man and I was reflecting on this after a chat I had on Sunday night in San Francisco with a Master I highly respect, and on the way home from San Francisco on Monday.

I know I’m going to forget names in this list – I apologize, mea culpa, but here we go:  My partner Scott, Master Chuck and Thug Rocco, Master Chuck’s family, Brandon and Dan (Producers of Eastern Canada LeatherSIR/Leatherboy), Brad Hill, Dan Perry, Master Tony, Daddy David, David Coburn, Matt Pavelich, Chris Holmgren, Duncan MacLachlan, Master Peter Kinchloe and cub,  Sir Marc, Connor, Dwayne Bryk, Ian, boys matt, marc, & al; Steve, Matt, Justin, Chaz, Dart, Victoria Windsor, The Rochester Rams, Spearhead, The Ottawa Knights, Bear Hug UK, The Black Eagle staff… and so many more.

Years ago when I was a very very young Leatherman, I admit to having looked at Pantheon with somewhat of a cynical eye and skepticism, much like what my attitude used to be towards titleholders.

While it may be easier to sit there and be cynical, I decided to step up to the plate and step out of my comfort zone within the community.  I am always one to try and do my best and even when that may not be the popular decision.  I do my best to remain humble and not let my ego get the best of me.

Most importantly, yes I was very tired and drained after my title year, there were some things that I saw in our broader community that could have lead me to completely walk away from being an active part of our community, I chose to stick around and look beyond the issues and see how I can apply myself for the greater good.  I did take a necessary break and unfortunately work has not allowed me to spend as much time as I would like with my local community.  I am not going away, and you have not heard the last of me.  *GRIN*

It is important to recognize your community and your peers.  We have some amazing people in our community who go out of their way to volunteer and be active in many different way.  Please do what you can to recognize those individuals at the local level, such as through a community builder award; or even at an international level with a Pantheon.

With much gratitude to my community and in service – Thank You!

Congratulations to all of the nominees and those who are being recognized with a Pantheon!

Safe travels to ILSb

Tomorrow starts the long commute to one of the best Leather events that you will find in the US. The combination of International LeatherSIR/Leatherboy/International Community Bootblack and Dore Alley.

It’s a big travel day for the contestants taking part in this fun contest – everyone descending on San Francisco, the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway Hotel – once again, kinked up; and the frolicking in SoMA.

Other than Sir Alan and Pup Nitro whose job this year was to promote kink and Leather and judge the various contests – Master Chuck and i have been honoured to be part of that journey – with Sir and me having judged both the Eastern and Western Canada competitions; and me being invited to judge Michigan LeatherSIR/Leatherboy leading boy jim to win Great Lakes Leatherboy.

So good luck to:

  • Boss Rocco – Eastern Canada LeatherSIR 2012
  • Sir Marc – Western Canada LeatherSIR 2012
  • Sir Josh – Great Lakes LeatherSIR 2012
  • boy alex – Eastern Canada Leatherboy 2012
  • boy daniel – Western Canada Leatherboy 2012
  • boy jim – Great Lakes Leatherboy 2012

And a special shout out to Gabriel – Great Lakes Bootblack 2012. If I recall correctly my boots were among the first he ever licked when we first met in Kentucky several years ago.

To those of you, whom I have not yet met – good luck to all of you. To each of you I dedicate this video from the latest Pet Shop Boys single, “Winner”. This really is a moment you will remember for the rest of your lives.

Most importantly – have fun!

I will see all of you starting Friday when I arrive in San Francisco.

To Sir Alan and pup nitro – it has been awesome to briefly travel with You to the frigid temperatures of Calgary, and seeing You briefly as i spent time in Atlanta for work. Thank You all for all You have done – Your camaraderie, and promotion of hot Leathersex and kink. i cannot think of another couple who could have done a better job of representing us all, and what we stand for. Thank You for Your inspiration!

Continental: The Big Finish

A look at the legendary New York City gay bath house ‘The Continental Baths’ told by the people who were there.

Back in April 2011 I posted about a documentary called “Continental” that my friend Malcolm is putting together.

Well, he needs one more big push and he’s posted another Kickstarter to get the film completed and all the legal fun stuff that you have to do when you’re a film director.

Not only is Malcolm a friend, but he does great work.  We talked early on before he put together Small Town Gay Bar about that project, I was interviewed for Bear Nation, and Continental looks like a phenomenal doco.  Given I love baths, I’m really fascinated by the old-school baths of the 70s and who went through the doors.

This is a part of our history, and it’s important we preserve it.

Check out Bear Nation and see if you can spot me in the trailer:

Deep inside the world of leather – The Full Interview

Last year, I was interviewed by and also wrote an opinion piece last year for  PositiveLite.com.  PositiveLite is a great resource for people who want to get information about HIV.  A real gem of a resource, please do check it out!

A recent article by Christopher Banks of BipolarBear.co.nz fame on PositiveLite reminded me of the interview from a year ago, and I realized I never posted the full interview to my blog.

Here are the updated links for the interview on PositiveLite.com

By the way, I highly recommend Christopher’s blog.  It’s a GREAT read.

As I said a year ago and even today after re-reading this interview, I am very proud of this interview.

With permission, here is the interview from last year:

BOB LEAHY INTERVIEWS BOY IAIN, EASTERN CANADA LEATHERBOY 2011. WARNING: SOME MATURE LANGUAGE AND CONTENT

Bob Leahy: Hello Iain. It’s really good to connect with you again. Thank you for agreeing to chat with PositiveLite.

Before we go much further I just want to clear up one thing for readers. We feature both positive and negative voices on this site. We’re talking to boy iain today as an HIV-negative member of the leather community because he has an interesting story to tell – his life is one of the more unique ones I’ve stumbled upon – and we also want to talk for the first time on the site about the world of leather and HIV issues. Right, iain?

boy iain:  Right. I don’t necessarily like to identify myself as HIV-negative, and others necessarily as HIV-positive. It implies, to me, an “us against them” mindset, which is counter to what I’d like to see in our community. HIV affects us all whether positive or negative. It may be a naivety on my part, but I don’t make a big deal out of the HIV status of my friends and myself.

That said, I also respect how others choose to identify as it brings empowerment, and I encourage that. I also know the law states we need to disclose our status – to which my response is often, “Thanks for letting me know.”

I interviewed you on video at the 2010 GMSH Health Summit where you were on a panel called “Get your Kink on: Best practices in BDSM Outreach”. But we’ve never shown it until now (it’s below). A year later I came across you on twitter, followed the link to your website and realized I had photographed you in the (Toronto) pride parade a month ago. Except I didn’t realize it was you then. Tell our readers what you were doing in the parade, won’t you?

xbobian1

boy iain (far right) on the BDSM panel at the 2010 GMSH Gay Mens Health Summit in Toronto

I’ve marched in Toronto’s pride parade for 13 out of the past 15 prides – the exceptions being my first in 1996 and last year, 2010. This year, Sir and I entered the parade together, representing Eastern Canada LeatherSIR and Leatherboy.

So during the parade, Sir and I were on the back of His truck with a spanking bench. Sir would pull me close to His face to bring me in for a kiss, then He’d put me over my knee and ‘paddle’ me with a small canoe paddle. After, Sir would then pull me in for a deep kiss. The people watching the parade were either saying, “Hit him harder”, or cheering wildly as we kissed. My partner of 14 years and his slave were in the cab.

I wasn’t sure what the reaction of those watching the parade would be going into the parade, but they lapped it up and it was a thrill for sure.

What we were showing in that instance, to quote Master Chuck, is being proud of who we are, showing there are different ways to live our lives. There are many ways to do this.

xbobian2

With Master Chuck (right). Toronto Pride Parade, July 2011  

I think one of the challenges of this interview is that you inhabit a world – at least part of the time you do – that many of us (most of us?) know very little, about. So before we get in to the HIV thing, let’s talk about the title you hold, and also the family you belong to. OK?

For sure. Master Chuck’s Leather Family is something that grew organically over the past 8 years. It’s not something that Sir specifically set out to accomplish. He was primarily interested in mentoring others within the gay, Bear and Leather communities and building men to be men, while at the same time also promoting play and hot times.

At the time my partner and I became involved with Sir, He had two other Leatherboys in His service and two more came on board, and the cascading effect began and over the years submissives (boys, slaves, pigs, etc.) come and go, we all change. Some grow to become dominants in varying capacities, i.e. Daddy, Sir or Master; and others grow more submissive, i.e. boy, slave, pup or dog.

At the time of our interview a year and a half ago, I was a slave. In November, last year, I decided that it was time for me to return to being a boy. I’m not as submissive as I feel I should be as a slave, and being a boy is much more representative of me and who I am, especially in the dynamic with Master Chuck. I am a much better person for the experience.

It’s very much about creating balance and balancing ourselves. For example, the all powerful CEO of a company may seek out a pro-dominant (i.e. pays for the services of a dominant) in order to create balance in their life.

Each submissive in the family has a different relationship with Sir as well, so it’s not cookie cutter and if you look at the various Dom/sub dynamics between couples in and outside Toronto, you’ll see just how different the dynamics are.

Tell me what it feels like to have the title Eastern Canada Leatherboy 2011. Do you feel a sense of responsibility?

In February, Master Chuck and myself respectively earned the titles of Eastern Canada LeatherSIR and Eastern Canada Leatherboy. This is a title that celebrates the ‘player’ aspect of the Leather community – those who live, breath and play Leather and kink. It’s not just a beauty contest, in that we need to prove that we have skills in play and soft skills that go hand in hand with Leather play.

xbobian8d

Eastern Canada LeatherSIR/Leatherboy February 2011, photo by Irrational Machine

Admittedly, when Sir and I ran in February, there was only just the two of us running. Now that doesn’t mean that we won by default. We both had to achieve a minimum score.

Being announced as having passed the interview, speech, jock, and fantasy scene was quite exciting. For someone who has often shied away from the limelight and wanting to be behind the scenes rather than upfront, this is my chance to push past some of my barriers and put myself and my own views out there and from there being a representative by collar of Master Chuck. I often hold my views very tightly to myself and tend not to share them out of fear that I might say something wrong! LOL.

Being a titleholder doesn’t make me any more or less a person. It’s not something that strengthens my ego. In short, for me it means I have an additional part time job to represent Leather through play and education – and I take heart that it is an ambassador of sorts and that Sir and I are representing a large portion of Canada from Ontario, eastwards.

I feel there is a great responsibility for any titleholder, be it the title that we represent, or others, to show leadership in our community as a whole. I don’t mean just the Leather community, but also the Gay community and possibly broader. If I’m not being an upstanding man, then that takes away from my job and my message as a community representative or ambassador.

So you do see yourself as an ambassador for the leather community?

I would hope to try to be an ambassador for Leather in general, but I also realize that not everyone is going to relate to what Leather represents to me and how I hold myself. For me, Leather is a combination of the mentorship, guidance and hot kinky play. Others are more interested in the hot kinky play. Others are more interested in the mentorship and guidance aspect. I will say, Leather is not about titleholding – that just happens to be a vehicle for spreading a message – whatever that may be.

Now you’ve said this particular competition is different from other leatherman competitions in that it’s about representing the sexual side of leathermen. Do you want to talk about that?

Absolutely! As a young man growing up, I was never afraid of my sexuality and sex in general. My family was surprisingly frank about sex and sexuality, and if I had any questions, I knew I could ask them.

I always had fantasies of being a sex pig, and I knew the men I liked were big, beefy and hairy and it was around the time I was 17 that I learned about the term, “Bears” – 20 years ago. I lost my virginity at the university gym, cruising. I sucked a guy off in the dry sauna from that point on, it was like clockwork – every two weeks, at a minimum, I was back playing at the gym.

Being fairly big and Bearish myself, I am by no means a pretty man, so entering other Leather contest circuits was not for me, and given some have silly rules like no fucking in your title vest, that is not representative of me. I am a deviant and damned proud of it.

The LeatherSIR/Leatherboy competition grew out of the Drummer contest that folded in the early 2000s. As part of the contest, there is a fantasy component that is supposed to show aspects of play and sexuality. In addition, at the International contest level, there is a demo for the Sirs to do, to show how they actually play, and new this year, the boys had a chance to show off their play abilities too.

xbobian8b

Photo by Irrational Machine

Now you’ve been involved in the leather world for how long?

Seven years with Master Chuck, with seven years observing at bars like The Cellblock/Centertown Pub in Ottawa, The Toolbox and The Eagle in Toronto.

How did that happen?

I was studying in the UK, when I came out. I had spent a weekend in London with a bunch of Bears who were also into Leather. At the time in our history, Bears and Leather were quite close so if you were hanging out in the Bear scene, you always crossed paths with Leathermen.

When I got back to Canada, I spent a lot of time at Centertown Pub in Ottawa. I related more to the guys there than I did at bars like Market Station and Icon in Ottawa. I was drawn to masculinity.

Visiting Toronto’s gay village for pride later that year, my boyfriend at the time took me to The Eagle where I experienced my first backroom. Later that I year I experienced my first bathhouse and I became hooked. I probably would have lost my virginity sooner had I known about baths.   LOL

You’ve said being in the leather world “has helped me accept who I am but helped me accept who others are.” I think what you’re saying there is that leather is about being who you really want to be but were perhaps afraid to go there, right? Is that fair to say? Is it all about self awareness?

Leather is many things to many different people and it’s hard to nail down what exactly Leather is. For some it’s clothing (Leather, rubber, gear, etc…). For others it’s uniform fetishes or kink or BDSM play without the domination and submission or it’s a Dom/sub relationship. Or any combination of the above, and more

When I was first exposed to the Leather scene, all I saw was black leather and the traditional look of a Leatherman – somewhat Tom of Findland-esque. What I understood was that there were certain protocols when interacting with Leathermen and they scared me. I didn’t know what to expect so I never took that step forward back in the days of The Toolbox.

When I saw Master Chuck, then at the time Daddy Bear Chuck, I picked up on the fact that he was different, more open, more outgoing. It felt safe because it was something I knew (Bears) with a different twist (being kinky). Almost like a bridge. This is something that is very important to me as a Leatherman and Titleholder today.

xbobian8a

Master Chuck, photo by Irrational Machine

When I was first collared to Sir, I was very much learning to be self-aware and as such, our relationship was very much about self-awareness. I needed that, as I wasn’t very self disciplined (although I was disciplined in other ways) and had all kinds of baggage that I was tired of carrying around from growing up. Also I grew up without a constant father figure in my life and it was something I needed. So I needed an alpha male mentor in my life, and at the same time I also wanted to learn about kink and play. To be clear – this relationship does not replace my father, it’s made me a better man because someone has been able to show me one way of being a man, and this is a gift that I am ever thankful for. If I can do the same for someone else, then that’s my way of giving thanks for this gift.

When you get into heavy BDSM play, crap comes up and it helps to be open to being self-aware so that you can work through the crap that comes up.

So, Leather is not necessarily about being self-aware – that has been one part of what the “Leather Journey” has been for me.

Leather as it pertains to community – Leather is changing. It’s less about the Tom of Finland imagery (which is hot), and it has expanded. So for example, you’re seeing more guys in motorcycle gear versus traditional black leather. You’re seeing a bit of a revitalization of brown leather. You’re seeing the rise of rubber, latex and neoprene. I remember looking at people into different types of gear and I admit, shamefully, that I looked down on them at one point. These days, who am I to look down on someone else for their fetish or kink?

You’re seeing different ways of playing as well – it’s quite hot!

xbobian7

One thing that fascinates me is that you live a really very unusual private life, and we’ll talk more about that in a minute, but that you also have a good job with a dot.com, I think you’ve said, and you somehow manage to be out about your personal life at work. Has that been a difficult process?

As a gay man, I am most definitely out – at my current company I was out within five minutes of walking into the office, and the first thing I look for when negotiating with a company are same-sex benefits. I will not work for a company that does not have them or would not consider adding them. I also don’t specifically come out, I just mention my partner, etc… That’s the easy part – at least for me.

I have been timid about coming out about my Leather life at work. I don’t specifically believe that people need to know what I am into sexually; after all I don’t know what my co-workers get into, and don’t really care to know. But, I admit that I am in awe about some of my friends and associates who have been able to come out fully at work, and be open about aspects of themselves.

Several co-workers know various aspects about me. Some know I am polyamorous. Some know I am into Leather. Two that I have been working with closely over the past few months know I am Eastern Canada Leatherboy 2011 and that I was running for International Leatherboy with great support. I am very appreciative of what their reaction, and in one case, I took one of those co-workers to CC Slaughters in Portland, OR for Bear Night and I was wearing my titlevest. She had a great time and I appreciated her coming out with me.

How about your traditional family? How clued in to all this are they?

My family – sister, mother, cousins, aunt and uncles – all know that I am into Leather, that I have a Sir and that I was once a slave. They all know that I am the current Eastern Canada Leatherboy and were rooting for Sir and me in San Francisco, from far. They also have seen changes in me that have been positive as a result of the relationship dynamic I am in, so I believe they support it, even if they do not understand the relationship. As long as I am happy, they are happy.

As a leatherboy title holder, that implies of course a sub role. You’ve said in the past  “I was an undisciplined man in some respects, exclusively a top, afraid to bottom let alone submit to anyone out of fear”. How easy was it to switch roles to such an extreme extent. Did it happen overnight or was it a gradual process?

It was a gradual process. Sir expected me to be submissive and to defer to Him which had its challenging moments, but with any relationship you grow together and in my case, I learned my place. That was the area where I was probably the most undisciplined – learning to defer because I pretty much grew up figuring life out for myself to a certain degree. It took a lot to let someone in to such a tightly held part of my life and learning to give up control.

As for top versus bottom aspect, there are times I do both as a boy. In certain cases I am much more comfortable topping, and in other cases I am much more comfortable bottoming and Sir has always encouraged me to explore finding that balance – as well as finding the dom/sub balance.

So that switching of roles started happened when you first encountered Master Chuck? What year was that?

Not necessarily the very first time when we first met in 1998 or 1999. In our first play session in 2003, yes very much so. I felt it was expected, and even in our first play session, I bottomed to things I had never ever done before as a bottom.

Master Chuck’s leather title is again?

Eastern Canada LeatherSIR 2011, representing the dominant aspect of the dynamic.

Tell me why you call him SIR?

Calling him Sir is recognition of Him being my dominant and mentor.   A recognition that I defer to Him and that I am His boy and submissive. It’s more than just an honorific.

Bob Leahy: I guess this is the point where we need to know more about Master Chuck, your Sir. Now I happen to have met him. He and I have both been involved in the AIDS movement, he as a negative man who was instrumental in getting the HIV movement going in Northern Ontario, I think. He was on the Board of the OAN (Ontario AIDS Network) for many years too. But anyway, you belong to Master Chuck, don’t you?

boy iain:  My collar states that I am under the firm guidance of Master Chuck, so in that aspect I belong to him.  It has been quite the ride, pardon the pun, and he has been quite an inspiration for my own involvement in HIV activism, volunteering with the ACT Gay Mens Outreach Program.

Now that’s a hard concept for some of us to get our minds around. Tell me what being owned by a Master involves?

I am actually no longer owned by Master Chuck, and with the change in dynamic from slave to boy I am not considered His property in the way a slave would be, but I can certainly talk about it from experience. Being owned means that, while I am responsible for my own well being and health, He also takes great care to ensure that from a Dom/sub perspective that I am valuable property. So in short, making sure I grow, that my value as a submissive, and as a human being is increased, not decreased or broken down as some would expect.

And of course, from a play perspective, that the sub knows how to play safely, what to look for in a top or dominant that we might play with, or even as a top or dom themselves, how to play safer.

xbobbdsm5

You’ve called it “a relationship of voluntary servitude that you can walk away from at any time”. But you have a written contract, right?

I certainly do – all of Sir’s submissives have some form of contract or another. The contract outlines the expectations of the relationship and the behaviours on both sides of the relationship. It also states that either of us could walk away at anytime. It is completely voluntary.

Now I know Master Chuck is patriarch of a large poly(amorous) gay leather family. This type of extended leather family is relatively rare, right? Are there any others like this in Canada?

Not necessarily the size of Sir’s, but Leather families do exist in Canada and here in Toronto, I can think of four that are multi-generational in a similar vein.

The Dom/sub thing seems fairly complicated in the context of a family like this. For instance, the Master Chuck family includes doms, and you yourself have four subs of your own. So it sounds like switching roles isn’t just uncommon it’s almost required, no?

It’s all about creating balance. Some of us switch, some are primarily dominant and need some level of guidance (play or other), it’s other’s nature to be more submissive. So someone like myself, who had four subs over time, finding the balance between being submissive and dominant, or top and bottom, that helps someone to be satisfied is key.

So no, you don’t have to switch, because everyone has their own dynamic. That said, it’s often not surprising that a sub may become a dom over time. Although there have been cases where a dom becomes a sub.

In a family like this of many subs, isn’t there the potential for rivalry and jealousy? How is that handled?

Absolutely – and this is probably the question I get asked the second-most. The key is being self-aware and addressing the issue directly as it comes up. The one thing a sub wants more of is more time with their dominant.

I get confused by some of the names you use. What’s the difference between a slave and a boy – looking at your bio it looks as if you’ve been both, iain.

This question is so subjective between Dom and sub. What may look like Sir/boy between one couple may be Master/slave to the couple. The key difference, as I see it, is that a boy has more freedoms than a slave. There are those things I can get away with as a boy that I cannot get away with as a slave.

Now you also have a partner outside the family which you’ve been with for 14 years. I don’t know why but that REALLY surprised me when I learned about it. How does he feel about the relationship you have with your Master? And Master Chuck has a partner too, right?

My partner Scott was actually collared to Master Chuck at one point as his boy, and the dynamic continues today in a Daddy/boy dynamic, but Scott is also a covered Master in his own right with a boy and a slave of his own. And you’re right – Master Chuck has a primary partner of, around 25 years, Rocco who is into 1920-style Gangster scenes. Just to confuse things even more. ;)

This is the part I have a hard time wrapping my mind around. I mean open relationship are fairly common within the gay community, but this takes that to another level, another level of trust. And it is all about trust, isn’t it?

It is very much about trust but also communication. In the relationship Scott and I have, we both have a say in who we are involved with as a dom or sub. So as Master Scott took on slave-pup Kalen and boy craig; I had a say in whether or not he could take them on. Rocco has the same say with Master Chuck. Sir’s requirements for me to become His boy and also His slave had to be accepted by Scott, and Scott had to be included.

xbobbdsm6

Master Chuck has said   “I firmly believe that submission is a precious gift that doms should accept with humility; then use BDSM as a tool to reach the sub’s inner core and become one with our boys and slaves”. It sounds like there is almost a spiritual aspect to all this.

Very much so – it’s not all just about creating pain for the sake of pain. It’s so much deeper. As I alluded earlier, in a heavy play scene, crap can come up that causes us to get deeper into each other’s core and soul.

I guess an outsider might ask WHY do you this. WHY is this life such a good fit for you, when for instance in business you are very much in control. Do you know where that need to be submissive, to be of service to a master comes from. Or does it even matter? It just IS, perhaps?

I think it’s something that just IS. Admittedly, I know I could walk away and try and become the biggest baddest top in the city, but that’s not me. I am probably much more top oriented, I don’t care much for huge amounts of pain, but I like to submit. Just as Sir is 98% top, and 2% bottom – and being dominant is quite central to His core.

This whole area is fascinating. I think I could ask question for days, but I also want to ask you about the intersection between the leather community and HIV. Now both you and Master Chuck, both negative, are very much in to educating others in the leather community.   I know that some of the workshops you’ve been involved with include dealing with risky sex issues, right?

For sure. In fact, from the very beginning of our interactions, we talked about so-called taboo topics of sexuality. We’ve talked about barebacking and the fact that while yes, I would love to experience it, the reality with HIV, Hep C and other STIs is that it’s not a risk that we are willing to take. We have also talked about the fact that in my past, I have barebacked.

We also have talked about using so-called taboo language such as me begging, “Sir, please seed me” as He’s fucking me. Sir has shown me, and others, how to eroticize safer sex, so when I am putting on a condom on His cock, or I see Him doing it, my ass is twitching.

We’re not afraid to talk about these topics, and use this kind of vocabulary in our play. I think it empowers us to make risk-mitigated choices in our play, and it makes it hotter.

Do you think there’s any special excitement associated with risky sex? In other words it’s hot BECAUSE it’s risky? And if so how do you deal with that?

I will admit that when I first looked at the Leather scene many years ago, I did make an assumption that if I got involved that it would mean that I would eventually become HIV positive. Today I realize the errors of that thinking and I know that stance could be considered pretty offensive. I feel embarrassed admitting that. People need to know that this is not the case.

There IS a special excitement associated with risky sex and what we do in Leather. It adds to how hot it is. By attending courses, learning from others who know what they’re doing you can learn heaps of to-dos, recommended don’t dos – and ultimately learn from a risk-mitigation standpoint.

There are a number of acronyms used in Leather. For instance, SSC – Safe Sane and Consensual, RACK – Risk Aware Consensual Kink and PRICK – Personal Risk Informed Consensual Kink

The main point of these is that it’s not just up to the top or Dom to manage the risks within a scene, but it’s also up to the bottom or sub to also know what they are getting into. From both sides, be aware of any risks in a scene. It’s a two-way street.

I’m not just talking about STIs here as well. For example, Master Chuck and I presented a seminar on electro play. If you have any form of a pacemaker in your body, electroplay/estim is not for you as a bottom.

Right. Lately we have heard a lot about pig sex or pig play in terms of HIV prevention. Define pig sex.

Pig sex is different things to different people. ACT (AIDS Committee of Toronto) has been great at promoting discussion on so-called taboo topics and this is one of those topics. Pig sex, for me, is all about getting down and dirty and letting inhibitions go.

xbobbdsm2

So for example, I had great fantasies about blowing someone in their office, and then more guys coming in to use my mouth and to blow their loads in a bukkake scene – all over my face, body, etc… Making that happen. Another scene might involve wanting to be blindfolded in the back of a pick up truck and having all of my holes used, almost spit roasted non-stop.

To me, it involves a lot of vocalization and body fluids – piss, cum, sweat and spit.

So is pig play potentially more risky than “vanilla” sex, do you think?

It all depends on the choices that are made, and what has been negotiated in the scene. I would consider raw sex to be part of pig sex. So while it can be riskier, it doesn’t have to be. Is it inherently riskier just because it’s pig sex? I think it depends on the choices and the negotiation.

Why ARE we hearing more about pig play now? I mean I don’t think I’d even heard the term two years ago and all of a sudden we seem to be hearing it everywhere.

There is a resurgence of guys wanting to get down and dirty in their sex play. I think there are a few considerations. For instance, we’ve lost three bathhouses in Toronto over the past seven years. Men like me are now going to the remaining four in the city so doing outreach may be a bit easier – sort of. However we miss doing outreach to the men who are no longer going to the baths.

There’s an online aspect in that there are lots of guys hooking up online, and I think some of those men are wanting to explore riskier activities. Those supposedly ‘vanilla’ sites are full of hungry men who are interested in pig sex, Leather and D/s.

Our men’s Leather and Kink community is somewhat growing slowly and there are more and more men getting into kinkier play it seems.

We want to keep a sex-positive vibe in our city, so while we want guys to play safer, we also want to keep the play hot, and let it get hotter.

It’s also a chance for those working in HIV prevention to find out what is going on in the city and with men who come to the city to play.

I think one year ago when I interviewed you we talked about the role of kink and you told me you personally were seeing an evolution in your sexual development and that you were getting kinkier. But do you think the leather community as a whole is getting kinkier also?

We are definitely seeing the introduction of new ways to play such as the introduction of rubber and other gear. In the electro seminar from this past weekend, we talked about a torture device that Sir created that’s made from unassuming household devices that is safe to use.

We are seeing that when ideas are shared, people get that, “I didn’t know how you can do that!” With sites such as FetLife having over 500,000 kinky men and women members, ideas are definitely going to get shared.

You’ve talked about the eroticization of safe sex. Can you give an example?

Absolutely – so the main concept here is getting a guy so horny and wanting to get fucked, that his ass is twitching, for example, my ass might be teased with a finger or even a hard cock, and I’ll rub back and forth on it, teasing my hole, getting me hornier.   There have been times where I’ve nearly cum just from that.

Next thing is Sir orders me to put the condom on Him. It doesn’t detract from the energy of the scene, I’m still horny because I know that fuck tool is going to be shoved up my ass and Sir’s going to be pleasured using my ass.

With repeated use, it all becomes second nature. Pavlovian Response training, *GRIN*

You are very much about condoms and so is Master Chuck right? But is there a fair amount of barebacking going on in the leather community, do you think? And I’m not talking about poz-on-poz sex. I’m talking about guys who aren’t using condoms, by choice, for any number of reasons.

Master Chuck and I are within our relationships, all about condom use. Within our sex play, showing others how that eroticization can happen and that it doesn’t have to be a drag is important.

We’re not so naïve to believe that the “always use a condom” message is going to be effective. It’s not. The message needs to change, as does the way outreach is done. We also recognize that the OAN (Ontario AIDS Network) and ACT are ahead of the curve on messaging as well. Not many ASOs across the world have a guide designed specifically for BDSM!

xbobbdsm1

We know men out there are barebacking and we know they will continue to bareback – and that is not a judgement, it just is. There are ways men can reduce the risk. For example, one example we use in outreach – using lube creates a slight barrier and reduces the chance for tears where using absolutely none creates a higher risk of creating more tears and entry points for the virus.  Using just lube is still significantly riskier than using some form of barrier like a condom.. Looking after your health in general. Communication of status and being open and honest is also important. Unfortunately, we also know too well that stigma against positive people happens all too much.

One of the most powerful seminars I have ever attended was at CLAW (Cleveland Leather Annual Weekend) produced by Dave Watt. Dave is the creator of Mr. Friendly and is based in Michigan. At CLAW this year he brought together people who have risky sex, people who are safer sex advocates and even people from the porn industry who create so-called bareback porn. It was AMAZING to bring together all these people to talk about perceptions and messaging. It was agreed that in that session, messaging in the US and tactics have to change.

There seems to be a lot of talk about “risk mitigation strategies” lately. I’m not sure whether that’s another name for harm reduction or not. But give me an example of risk mitigation strategies in the kind of scene that you might have found yourself in.

It is very much a harm reduction strategy. Here is a perfect example – you’re at a sex party with all kinds of guys sucking cock and swallowing cum, meanwhile there are hard potato chips being offered as a snack, which can create cuts in the mouth for entry points for any infection.

If I know I’m going to be sucking cock, I am watching what I eat during the day.

I want to talk about the role of poz guys in your community. I worked on the HIVStigma.com campaign a couple of years ago with Brian, and one of the themes we explored in that campaign was how difficult it was for people who were HIV to disclose their status to sex partners. How does that issue pan out in the leather community, do you think? Any different?

I would hope that men in the Leather community would be a bit more open to playing with men who are positive. As I mentioned earlier, I had my own misgivings and misconceptions about Leather and I am glad I have grown. I’d hope my Leather brothers are willing to be self-aware enough to grow in similar ways. I suspect that the topic of status comes up more within negotiation depending on the play that people get into.

Does the issue of stigma pan out differently? Honestly I don’t know.

Have there been openly poz leather title holders?

Absolutely!

Is it common for people in the leather community in your experience to be poz friendly, wiling to have sex with HIV-positive men?

I would hope so. If someone were to give attitude to one of my friends who happens to be poz, they would certainly get an earful quickly if not from me, then from others in the community.

This is a VERY hypothetical question, but how do you think your life would change if you suddenly found out you were HIV-positive. I’m thinking about your life as member of the leather scene and the Family in particular?

I know I would have the support of my family around me. My community would rally around me because we do that for each other. My collar with Sir would not change and my relationship with my partner would not change. As with any life changing experience, there would be the standard emotional reactions that anyone who finds out they are now positive today would have.

Iain, you’ve been so forthcoming, and we’ve covered a lot of material. It’s been fascinating. THANK YOU! Anything else you’d like to say?

Thank you very much for the opportunity to allow your readers to learn a bit more about Leather. As much as we may be mysterious, or different, we’re really a bunch of really interesting people who value deep connections.

You’ve been extremely generous with your time and I’ve probably asked you all kinds of questions I shouldn’t have, so sorry for that, if I have. But again, thank you so much for doing this. We really appreciate you talking to PositiveLite.

xbobbdsm4

 boy iain’s blog is here http://boy.mathan.ca/ 

Master Chuck’s blog is here: http://masterchuck.ca/blog/

See also LeatherSIR Canada http://www.leathersircanada.com/                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

 

SLAG Men Run

It’s time to register For Northern Ontario’s only Leather/Denim event.

We currently have Leathermen registered from Toronto, Timmins, Nova Scotia, London, San Francisco, Sudbury, Sturgeon falls, North Bay, Sault St. Marie, and Stratford to name a few. It’s also for beginners and the curious. Come play and learn with some of North America’s most experienced men.

Its going to be a great weekend of brotherhood and of course much play. Come join us. For more information or to register click here.

SLAG Men logo

 

 

“Now That You’re Kinky” Workshop – Get Connected

Presented by Trevor Jacques

Plug in and turn on, knowing that it’s usually best to know which plug goes into which hole (and why).

Do you prefer direct current or alternating? Just how many ways and places can you use to stimulate your partner with electricity? Quite a few, actually. Find out, as Trevor takes you through the types of toys that can be used to switch on your partner. He’ll cover basics, toys, and styles of electrical play. The seminar will consist of a lecture, demonstration, and a hands-on workshop for you to practice safe techniques. You’re welcome to bring your own electrical toys to the workshop.

Trevor Jacques is a physicist who became a local sex educator, SM activist, and researcher on BDSM, fetish, and other alternate human sexuality. He is the principal author of “On THe Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play,” a national best-seller now available as an ebook for tablets. Trevor has given lectures and seminars on BDSM to SM communities, universities, and radio/television audiences across the world. He has also presented academic papers on BDSM to sociology, psychology, and sexology conferences.

Frankly, we’re shocked at what people will do to turn themselves on.

As with all of our workshops these will be placing an emphasis on safety and class participation under supervision. Don’t miss this opportunity to learn more about these kinky FUNdamentals in a friendly & social environment.

2:00pm to 6:00pm (doors open at 1:30pm)
Sunday, 15th July 2012
at
Goodhandy’s
120 Church Street (2nd floor)
SW corner of Church & Richmond Streets
Toronto, ON

Admission Restricted to those 19 years of age and older.