Category Archives: Philosophy

Leather philosophy from my standpoint.

Learning to live with anxiety

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I live with anxiety.

It’s something that I really didn’t have an understanding of until I considered that I may be living with it, researched it, and the pandemic, plus some brewing personal situations that I needed to resolve was really the impetus for me figuring it out.

I think, when people think about anxiety, they think of the stereotypical suburban housewife in the 80s and earlier, taking Valium, not able to cope with things; which does a real disservice to women and stigmatizes what anxiety is, and how it can be treated.

We’ve come a long way since then and while mental health is still misunderstood, the treatments, compassion and care that exists today versus what I’ve seen friends go through, say, in the 80s is night and day.

NOTE: This blog entry discusses my mental health journey and while aspects here might help you, I am not a mental health expert and I advise you that if any of what I have written resonates with you, do consider speaking with a therapist.

Consider being in a situation that involves someone else where your mind is racing trying to figure out all the angles, possibilities and outcomes of the situation in advance so you’re prepared to get through any variant of the situation – a perpetual what if machine. 

You’re nervous about saying the right thing in the right way because it’s super important to you, you have often been misunderstood in life, so you want to make sure you’re heard and understood. It consumes you and takes up valuable cycles you could be using to focus on other things in your life.

You become irritable, emotional – you want to do the right thing- you want to do the right thing for yourself, you also want to be considerate and do the right thing for the person you need to talk with and open up to, but you can’t because you’re trying to find the perfect way to meet your needs, their needs, to be sensitive to the other person and true to yourself. 

You agonize over it.
You beat yourself up.

At least, in how anxiety has been showing up for me, this has been a common scenario. I recognize that anxiety shows up in a multitude of different ways for different people. Overcoming and learning to live with anxiety is a unique journey for everyone.

There are a few approaches I figured out for myself that seemed to work

  • I write it out as it helps to get out of your head – a theme – and allows me to collect and organize thoughts. I can spin so hard, its very hard to keep thoughts organized.
  • I talk to others to get out of my head – starting to see a theme? Mainly because I have the sense to say, “I need help!”. I know I’m stuck inside, and need to check in with someone else who is outside the situation to get a reality check, to be challenged and ultimately to help stop that spinning so I could do what I needed to do – which was to talk the person I really needed to.
  • In some situations I’m able to talk directly to the person, which really is how it should be, but it’s not as smooth as it really should be, and even in those moments, when talking things out, my head can be spinning hard.

That spinning is not kind, it will pull in other baggage, and it’s very hard to dig out. I knew that if I talked directly to the person involved about the situation I’m spinning about, it’s not going to be pretty. At least, that’s what I thought at the time.

In all honesty, no matter how weird or meandering or even ugly the path to the resolution to the situation you’re in is, dealing with it straight up is actually better. The people that can and do see past your baggage will be the ones that will help you figure things out and support you in seeing through your anxiety and triggers.

The character of Anxiety in Inside Out 2, a recent movie from Disney-Pixar, anthropomorphizes a great representation of anxiety. I really feel that if I had this story growing up, it may have given me some good food for thought or at least planted a seed where I could have realized earlier what was happening and lessened the impact on my life.

I’m not going to talk here about how I was able to connect the dots that lead to me learning how to mitigate my anxiety as it did involve some unconventional methods. The parts I will talk about are 

  • it did involve looking at situations that were triggering me. At the time I was dealing with triggers constantly going off from multiple sources – I am surprised I kept it together. For me, this was typically the starting point for where anxiety starts for a given situation.
  • I had the sense to take the time to understand why I was triggered – what in my past is trying to inform me that I’m in some form of “danger zone”? This part of my looking inward journey was huge and I had to build courage to go there and face my interpretation of the past, and heal from it. I had to go back and deal with my past.
  • I spent time with my therapist to talk through what I was seeing and experiencing.
  • Most importantly, I have some amazing family around me who gave me:
    • a safe space for me to be able to deal with whatever I was dealing with in real time as things came up, 
    • while they called me on my shit, it was clear they had my back and loved me and stood for me being a better Iain, and they were invested in being part of my life just as I wanted them in my life,
    • the space to make mistakes and learn from them,
    • reminders that I was worthy of that support and love,
    • a voice, that would be listened to, where I felt heard, and people took the time to understand me and what I was dealing with,
    • where I could get reassurance and learn to trust that reassurance,
    • where I could express emotion and not feel locked up, that i was wrong for just feeling and expressing that emotion – that my emotions are real and valid,
    • challenged me in a good thought provoking way – during that whole period I was constantly hearing “Get out of your head, Iain”,
    • giving me the love and respect that I really needed to get through such a weird space that I happened to get into, that I needed to dig out of.

While only I could do the work, having that support network was what I really needed to sort myself out. Definitely a gift the universe has given me.

Today, I can say my mind is the quietest it has ever been, ever. I cringe thinking about the times it lead to awkward and explosive situations. I’m not comfortable with it, and all I can do is accept that it happened and where required clean it up. learn from it and be a better person.

Anxiety has shaped my life for an incredibly long time. I can go back to my childhood where it started. I have no idea if it’s something that I’m predispositioned towards or a learned behaviour – I suspect a combination of both. 

I certainly recognize what I went through, and the situations that made me a pro at the spin and keeping things to myself. My strong independent streak because I couldn’t rely on or didn’t even have the support I should have had when I was younger, and keeping things to myself as a result, among other things, all this adds up, and I am not surprised at how this turned out. It was a perfect storm.

I am proud of the man I’ve become, I’m proud of the hard work I’ve done on myself to be a better human. The true me has always been upbeat, personable, hardworking, someone who wants to do the right thing, make the world a better place and an introvert-leaning ambivert willing to look inwards, 

The people that matter, I know, are also proud of me. I would not be where I am without them.

Positive changes due to COVID?

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From December 2021, originally published on FetLife

Three weeks ago, I spent a weekend with a newer member of my Leather Family. It was a “much planned but had to change many a time trip” and it finally happened.

The weekend got me pensive about the changes COVID contributed to, that I’ve wanted to implement for years, and what it brought due to the lockdowns we all experienced.

Looking for polyamorous love in the wrong places? I’ve thought and wondered about this on my nightly walks recently.

I’ve got some varied needs between topping and bottoming and domming and subbing. I’m all over the place, and you could say I’m a bit of an experience slut. However, I have always wanted to reduce how open and free to play I was, and limit to a smaller group of like minded people that fulfill me.

Despite the challenges of COVID, it seems to have made this dream and desire come true for me.

In the past, I really enjoyed spending time at and supporting bath houses. In some respects I’m more comfortable at them than bars. Still, as time went on pre-pandemic, I successfully reduced that need and desire, and with COVID it had to drop to nil.

I’ve realized I value intimacy and connection a lot more than I realized.

Quality has always been more important than quantity for me. I’m hypersexual, so it’s not surprising that I have been on the hunt for good sex and play, and find it. Still, I have always wanted and needed something more substantial.

A year ago, Scott and I moved into our house bringing along one of his boys and my boy who lives in my basement.

Little did I realize the ride of learning about polyamory first hand on which I was about to embark.

I had to learn to communicate way better, more than I had learned with my past partners, and they too learned the same.

I chose to show vulnerability and be vulnerable; which as opened me up and opened up others, and it has contributed to more powerful and closer relationships. Others have done the same with me.

I had to deal with the root cause of jealousy and be straight up with myself to bring the change I’ve wanted, to fall in like, to build the relationships and connections I’ve wanted.

I’ve learned to be firm with decisions knowing that as a result, someone is going to go through a necessary growing pain, for their own benefit. Firm yet supportive, patient and principled.

I’ve worked hard and done my best on building, supporting and maintaining the relationship dynamics I want, and supporting my partners in the dynamics they want with other partners, all reciprocated.

Fast forward a year later. For the first time in my life, I’m feeling very much fulfilled in that, I don’t feel a need to go and seek more or want more. I’m happy with what I currently have.

It’s been well worth putting that effort into the relationships and what the universe seems to have provided is way more than I ever anticipated.

While I’ll jump on cruising sites, checking them out and connect with people, honestly, today, I’d prefer to spend that time with my various partners, and their partners because of the connections we share.

I don’t think it means I’m completely off the table, and it doesn’t mean I won’t go out or hunt online. I am always willing to entertain an offer for some fun and I have a few people knocking at my door seeking a connection that I am considering. I’m just not doing it as often, and it’s not a priority.

I’ve found a group of men that stimulate me not just sexually but also intellectually. They’re multidimensional like me versus being a one trick pony. They value connection and that connection is electric. I wouldn’t change the hard work we’ve all done.

COVID has been painful to go through. The lockdowns we’ve all experienced and some may have yet to go through, have been brutal. However, I think there are positives that have come out of this situation. For me, this is one of them.

Vulnerability and safe space

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From December 2021, originally published on FetLife

My boy and I did a scene a few weeks ago which was certainly hot for both of us. He made me proud with what he was able to take in the context of the scene. There’s something else, though, that makes me even more proud of him.

I noticed my boy was a bit off the next day, and normally I’d ask him if he was okay, but chose to give him space as he figures out what he needs to. If it involves me then he knows he can pull me aside to have an open and frank discussion any time, and my commitment is that I will do my best to listen and be supportive. I’ve done my best to create a safe space for him to do that and he does his best to also foster that safe space for tough discussions.

I hold myself to a high standard but also accept that I will make mistakes, and I certainly have. I have finally learned not to beat myself up over those moments, and to create commitments to learn, to move forward together, which also benefits other subs in my collar, leash, etc; and even to future subs. This has been a huge thing for me to overcome and it gives a powerful voice to both of us to actually have our needs, wants and desires to be heard and met.

I will always do my best to listen to my subs, to help unpack a moment where they go “blah”, with the care and respect they deserve, even when it may be deeply triggering to me. My hope is that this helps to create a healing moment for them, that if they are in their head about approaching and talking to me, that it helps them to understand that I will listen, that I do care, and value them. It can also create a healing moment for me.

The boy had such a moment and through talking it out, we came to a mutually beneficial path forward. He gets what he needs as my sub, I get what I want and need as his Sir. I have a better understanding of him and he has a better understanding of me. It’s worth taking the time to bring each other along for the journey, together. It is so worth it.

He rightly called out that I wanted something more in the moment, that he wasn’t prepared to give, that there was something else he wanted and needed, and had some fears about stopping the play or requesting mid-scene that we go in a different direction. I had misinterpreted what he originally wanted and thought he was ready for more and took it down a wrong path.

The upshot is that we have a commitment to work on better communication, especially in the midsts of a hot scene that involves deep submission and domination, and I am encouraged to learn a bit more about the boy’s particular desire, expanding my own experiences just as I want him to expand his own experiences for me, in a positive way. I am really looking forward to the future with him and the opening this gives both of us.

Communication is key to keeping a relationship alive and hot, for keeping that intimacy.

They say that D/s can bring up baggage in a heavy way, and I know this very well from the submissive side. I want to address this but from the dominant side as some baggage came up for me during the discussion with the boy. It wasn’t introduced into the discussion via my behaviours in the discussion, but what transpired gave me more pause for thought.

I have been in a similar situation as a sub and bottom where I’ve not been ready for a particular scene to go deeper, and it’s been taken deeper by the person I’m playing with who thought I may be ready; or me thinking that I am ready and then I realize I’m not ready.

It hurts a lot as a sub to have to say no, or “I’m not ready but I want to be”, to show a degree of bravery and vulnerability to speak up. I’ve reacted and haven’t been able to find the words to communicate it effectively, the person I’m playing with has up and left throwing their hands up in the air leaving me high and dry with my emotions, thinking I’ve done something wrong when I’m doing my best to communicate, even after saying, “Hey, it’s clear I’m not ready for this but I want this in the future.” – whether during the scene or when reviewing the scene after.

It adds insult to injury when you’re already in a vulnerable place as a sub, doing your best to communicate and failing, you want to please the Dom/top and that person leaves you high and dry, with no opening to discuss, being shutdown and no ability to make commitments. You question your self worth and value, it adds to your insecurities and destabilizes the relationship. It doesn’t create that safe space we need to foster and nurture.

I get that it’s frustrating to be all ready, hot and bothered as a top or dom, only to feel let down. I’ve been there! However, we as dominants and tops can choose how we react in the moment to either make (i.e. support) or break the sub; especially if our reaction is driven by our own baggage and the examples in our past lives.

I have always believed we should get into the sub’s world to understand them, to understand what happened. That doesn’t mean the sub shouldn’t try the same. They should as they’re just much a part of the relationship as the dom. Walls being up on either side of the dynamic does nothing to foster the safe space, healing and togetherness. Like the Berlin Wall, it fosters divide.

We can choose to break the cycle of pain, taking the high road and saying, “No, I will not stand for the hurt and pain that I’ve received in the past, and commit to being that change. It has no place in this moment and I will leave this in the past.” Why continually perpetuate pain?

I think it’s important to remember, dominants can have just as much baggage as submissives.

It’s kind of like being a parent. I observed, recently, challenges that a young sub in their mid 20s had with their family unit when something happened. One of their parents reacted really badly to the situation, but then awareness was brought to that parent about how they were being in that moment. That parent realized they were perpetuating something they experienced in their own childhood. They committed to change while apologizing to their child.

What was amazing was that this involved multiple generations. When awareness was brought to the parent’s parent (the grandparent) about what was going on, they stepped up to genuinely apologize to their child in their early 50s, for their behaviours many years ago. It’s created multiple levels of healing that will completely transform, positively, the nature of their relationships and the family dynamic for many years.

This is, almost, a mini-lesson in Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Here is how I interpret the seven tenets:

  • Be Proactive – Reach out, check in, do the responsible thing. Let the sub/dom know you’re willing to talk; and make sure you do talk.
  • Begin with the End in Mind – What do you both want out of this that is going to be fulfilling? A better and closer relationship, I hope, but I also acknowledge that sometimes relationships have to come to an end.
  • Put First Things First – Realize that dealing with these issues sooner rather than letting them fester is very important, balancing what’s going on in your life.
  • Think Win/Win – You both have needs and wants you want to have met and possibly to give, can both of you get your needs and/or wants met over time?
  • Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood – Taking the time to understand the other party, what came up for them; and share your experience, what came up for you.
  • Synergize – Realize that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. I interpret this as how strong the couple gets, and how fulfilled people feel through his process.
  • Sharpen the Saw – The continual process of learning and committing to being a better human in relationship.

What I have experienced lets me put myself in the shoes of my subs. As the dom, I could throw my arms up and have a mini tantrum over not getting my way, but I can guarantee you that I would lose my sub over that very quickly. I don’t ever want to put my subs in that situation, ever. I don’t ever want to be that person, in that moment, to a sub as I’m trying to foster a safe space.

If I do have a moment where I don’t react well, I make sure I own it and apologize. Even that can be hard if you’ve not had a safe space where an apology can be heard and accepted. It’s gotten easier for my boy and I, both ways as we’ve grown together because we both want our relationship to last a long time.

I don’t know, in the instance of my partner at the time, what they were feeling. It’s unfortunate that I did trigger something in them, unintentionally, but for too long I have held on to, “it must be my fault”; when I did my best to communicate as I could in the moment, even if I did fail. I did later ask, “What happened?” wanting to connect and heal, only to be shutdown.

In that moment they had a choice in how they behaved whether it’s blowing up as they did or getting into my world and what was coming up for me which mutually benefits each other as we both open up and explore a path forward together. It’s sad and they’ve never taken the steps to clear the air with me and take responsibility for their actions, and presumably their own baggage.

Choosing to foster open and honest two-way communication with my subs no matter how much it hurts has lead to great discussions, it’s cultivated commitments and changes for each of us, it’s created a level of intimacy between us, and we are stronger for it. I feel closer to my subs as a result and they feel closer to me. We have a much deeper connection, there is a good level of trust between us, and we’re having really hot scenes with a connection that has blown both of us away.

As a dom, in my experience, showing vulnerability, openness, a willingness to work on my own baggage and even dealing with my insecurities and including my subs in that process; just as my subs have has lead to that deeper connection.

I choose to be open to my subs when so that they better understand me, and also the commitments I make within those challenges. More importantly, I am clear to them that that this is my baggage and not their’s.

As a result, I am thankful for the stand they make to be by my side, just as they appreciate the stand I make for them as I stand by them.

The Ethical Slut

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From November 2021, originally published on FetLife

I just finished re-reading The Ethical Slut. Given the new relationships and relationship changes that I’ve been through in the past year, it was a much needed read.

A few things things I got out of the book was

  • reframing the fear of losing with the joy of abundance,
  • that intimacy and connection are very much what we make of it,
  • and realizing that jealousy and envy as a symptom of something much deeper that should be reflected on and something to be healed.

Some of this I’ve known for a long time, but sometimes re-reading and being open to re-learning takes things to a deeper level.

“Do your best to fall in like” – I love this from the book and this particular section. I’ve learned HUGE lessons in the past year about this, and with allowing myself to self-reflect and bring my walls down, I’ve been able to create much deeper connections than I ever imagined.

I highly recommend reading this book, reading it a few times, especially when you’re navigating new and old relationships.

If you want it, then build it

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This past week has been somewhat frustrating for me. A week that was supposed to be a bonkers celebration book ended by two big events – Manchester Rubber Weekend and the Great British Bear Bash with my birthday smack in the middle on a Wednesday.

Then COVID-19 happened.

*sigh*

My take on it is this: There isn’t much that we can do other than stay on lockdown and make the best of what we have. There isn’t much we can control, right? As frustrating as it is, we have to pretty much stay in and the only way we can be social is through online content.

We have to build it, and figure it out quick because none of us know how long we’re going to be in quarantine and it’s going to be different on a country by country basis.

That is what I want to focus on. Groups like

Manbears Manchester who value creating and maintaining a community, doing what they can to help bring people together during the lockdown days.

Great British Bear Bash was moved online with

  • The lockdown quiz giving us a fun event over Zoom
  • DJ Poni and Mr. Moodybear DJing epic sets online letting us all dance our living rooms or bedrooms
  • Bearoke with Mr. Moodybear taking place Sunday

Scott, Burke, Nico and I attended these events virtuallyout of respect for the organizers who have worked hard to bring something together for people out there in the world, virtually.

Leathermen Scotland who, literally, formed this past April in the midst of a lockdown in Scotland, have held regular socials during the week and on weekends, a karaoke event and even a mixology class. Yes, they formed from the Glasgow Leather Social which has been running for the past year, but they’ve continued to maintain their community and hopefully unite Scottish Leathermen in the process.

Manchester Leathermen, Manchester Rubbermen, and SouthWest RubberMen even mass online communities like Kinky Bears vibrant with people interacting.

For years I’ve heard complaints in Toronto about, “There is no community”. I’ve NEVER been comfortable with people saying this because those are the people who sit back and do sweet fuck all to build anything.

If you want community then get off your arse and fucking build it. I’ve seen this countless times over the past year in Europe, people putting their heart and soul into their community to build it up and people genuinely appreciating it (even with nay sayers who do nothing but criticize. Those communities I’ve interacted with inspires me.

As much as I love travelling for work, unfortunately it doesn’t afford me much of an opportunity to get as involved as I would like to. On the flip side, Toronto has had to go through the near-collapse of it’s kink community, and new people need to come in, pick it up and rebuild it.

If we want it, we have to build it

I am also going through my own rebirth which started a year ago, and as part of that, getting out is part of that. The next part is starting to build something I am very interested in seeing grow – an actual discussion group for Rubbermen in Toronto.

Thank you Manbears Manchester and DJs – Aaron, Andrew, Mike, Richard, Steve and James for the work you’ve all done to change direction for this weekend, to build something for this weekend, to maintain and to continue building community.

Connection… from the flip side

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I’ve been looking through my blog for the past few days which has been making me smile quite a bit.

This particular blog entry caught my eye:

Connection and balance makes my dick hard

Reading this entry with where I am today – it’s also very true today as a dominant.  

This past weekend I played with my boy john, the hardest we’ve played to date, at Rough House.

I could easily say that the world around us disappeared for me, and I know it did for him.  We connected at a much deeper level than we had before and it was hot.

Connection.  Important for both the sub and the dom.

Looking at a few others posts like this one, where I say, “I’m not much of a masochist and probably less of a sadist” – BAHAHAHA!

As for being a masochist – somewhat true – while I like a good flogging, TT and CBT I’m not much into pain as a bottom. I’m more of a service bottom.

As for being a sadist – I’ve learned that I can be evil and do like to dish out some torture – Imagine that, a giving a good hard flogging, TT an CBT. 😈

Ghosting

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Okay rant time – This is not something new, and maybe I’m just sensitive to this after observing a rather fantastic submissive express their frustration over someone who had made plans and ghosted.

What is it with, presumable, tops and Doms not taking responsibility for their actions, feelings, and ghosting? Now, yes I know this is a universal issue and can also happen to Doms but I want to focus on the top/Doms.

I can appreciate what the stress and pressure to perform can feel like as a Dom, especially when you’re new and green.  Been there, done that, have the confidence scars.

Communicate if you’re nervous.  Nothing wrong with a presumably top or Dom not being comfortable or, hell, taking ownership of mistakes, etc.  Taking responsibility is hot, is a turn on and helps create a learning opportunity.  Swallow your pride – I know I’ve had to, and making mistakes is part of learning.

Communicate!  A good sub, even the green ones will understand where you’re coming from.  Put your trust in that.  If they react poorly then they’re not the sub for you, or there’s a really good lesson to be learned for both, or both of these.

It’s one of the reasons why, when I make a commitment to a sub, I follow through and make damn sure I follow through.  

Reflecting on 2019

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Where do I start talking about 2019? Growth, and finding myself.

As I wrote on New Years Eve on Facebook, ask me a year ago where I’d be a year later and I can pretty much tell you the picture was very different. 

Little did I know the connections with people I would make. Tell me I’d be levelling up my kink, fetish, and D/s experience in a big way, I’d have laughed at, yet here I am with a very very different world view. 

It seems that every 7 years I am given an opportunity to get away, get some time to myself and that leads to some good epiphanies and changes – UK 95/96; California 03; Uruguay 12; EU 19/20. Where next in 2027?

It’s been a tough year with the travel and being away from my family – especially Scott and boy john who have missed me, and whom I have missed. A lot of people have supported us in the past year and I am very fortunate to have that support in my life – the definition of brotherhood to me and that has made my year that much better, and contributed more than you know. Thank you!

January and February started with some rumblings about a project in Europe, specifically the United Kingdom and I was approached to be a significant part of that project. Admittedly, not only was it getting me out of management, which I was hating, it was getting me overseas back to the UK – somewhere I’ve wanted and actually needed to get back to.

Sitting with a friend back then, someone I admire who has been encouraging me in rubber, we got talking about the Toronto scene. I actually felt somewhat embarrassed – I was no longer connected to the scene in Toronto. Sure, I do know what some of the events are and who I can go to, but I just wasn’t engaged and in many respects not interested. Kink was a chore in many respects and I didn’t feel people were all that genuine.

I wouldn’t say my kink life was going nowhere, after all I have a boy wearing my collar, a Sir and a Daddy; but still, things were stagnant. boy john came into my life almost three years ago as of the writing of this blog entry and completely caught me off guard after seven years of not having a sub. While I was open to having a sub, I wasn’t actively looking and honestly down in the dumps and really struggling with my confidence.

It was clear that I needed something to rejuvenate myself, so with this change in my job I made a commitment to myself – to go to Leather bars in Europe and to check out as many events as possible, and that I did.

March I made a visit up to Master Chuck where we fixed my Erostek ET-312. WOOHOO! We are back in the e-stim game.

My first stop in London was Soho and specifically, Regulation where I picked up some new rubber. Ah rubber, it’s hard to find in Eastern Canada unless you get custom work done.

April I headed to Smokeout in Vegas, where I reconnected with a bunch of people I’ve known either in person or online. I had the good fortune to spend a fair bit of time with Daddy Gary and Jonathan – two people I admire.

My second work trip of the year was extended by an extra week, so of course, I had to spend time in Berlin for Easter. I kicked off that weekend in London in a sleepsack.

Getting back to Berlin, though I wasn’t sure what to expect as I’ve not cared that much for large Leather events. Berlin was transformative, as I’ve written already. It truly is the event that kick started the sleeping giant.

In May, I visited Sir, a chance to connect before a rather long stretch in the UK and Europe.

June, I visited Newcastle and ended up switching with a rather hot Leather Bear – bring on bondage, boots, butts and Andrew planting, “You should join BLUF.” in my brain. I did a double take and said, “WHAT?!”

A hot man that I’ve lusted over as an Instagram crush told me that I was “good enough” for BLUF. I say “good enough” because I never thought I was “good enough” and that despite no one ever saying that I wasn’t good enough. It’s funny the games we make up in our heads.

I never really thought about it, but yeah, I do have an interest in leather uniforms, uniforms in general and I had enough of the gear to join – I’ve had it since I ran for International Leatherboy. You’ll find me as BLUF# 1862.

In Europe, I was realizing that I have access to the gear I’m interested in, that I simply don’t have access to in Toronto. I really have been like a kid in a candy store.

I would say it really was by June where a transformation was starting to happen.

July involved a trip back home to Toronto, London for London Fetish Week – Recon Fetish Party, Pup Night; and a visit to Paris where I picked up my first piece of neoprene; back to London for my first taste of The Backstreet and buying my first sleep sack.

I significantly updated my uniform with a biker jacket – damn you Anna at Northbound! That jacket off the rack just had to fit! In all seriousness, that jacket has become a statement and in some respects a travel companion.

Mid-July I attended Mastery at The Backstreet with Daddy Dave – A night that’s well worth going to. Hell, that bar is a gem and one of the last of it’s kind in the world.

At the end fo July, I walked all over Edinburgh in my Jobmasters, and marched at Mardigla in Glasgow, as well attending the Glasgow Leathermen Social. Thank you Fraser for connecting me in Scotland!

Scott came over and we spent time in Cardiff, London, Kent, and Paris. I also made sure he had a chance to visit The Backstreet, where we spent time with the lovely Darren who had been quite helpful since the start of my time in the UK.

August saw me head to Manchester where I finally had a chance to meet a wonderful doggo/pup/boy that has since become a significant part of my time in the UK, Andrew. While I’ve spent time as “Sir” and “Daddy”, this was my first real significant time in the role of “Handler”. Check out The Moodybear for all your t-shirt needs!

August is also the time for the SLAGMen run in Sudbury. The neoprene sleep sack was quite popular, and I had a chance to be part of a fun sounding scene. God I love making guys moan that way!

In September, my boy john visited the UK on an epic 36 hour trip that included a visit to various fetish shops and The Backstreet. In that one evening I was able to do, well, a lot! Oil drums will never be the same for either of us ever again. 😈 More importantly, we connected deeper.

I also learned that a tie clip can complete the look of a uniform.

September also meant Folsom Europe with the pup and to get to know him better. It was a great social time together that I wouldn’t change, It is also the biggest fetish event I had ever been to. I will also say the vibe in Europe is so different from that in the United States. If we could do away with the politics and just enjoy each other’s time together…

At the end of September, I got our leather family out to The Eagle for our first fetish night in a long time. #Useitorloseit

October saw me at Manchester Leather Weekend seeing almost everyone that I had connected with since March in one place. Manchester struck a chord with me in 2008 and really has become a bit of a spiritual fetish home for me.

October also saw my first visit in service to Sir with my boy, john. The weekend was a lot of fun, hot and significant. I had asked Sir if I could purchase my first officer cap during the summer, mainly given the significance of that means within His Leather family. I was given permission, and Sir covered me that weekend as a Sir within His family.

The end of October saw me in Amsterdam Leather Pride, which was a lower key event for me as I was spending time with Master Dave’s Leather family – always wonderful to see them and spend time with everyone, and the pup. The pup was pinned into Mama’s Family as “Mama’s Kinky Disco Gnome”.

I do have to say a sub or bottom laughing from a hard flogging I’m giving makes my heart sing, it gives me a big smile and makes me want to hit harder. 😊

As we get into the latter part of the year, kink has taken a bit of a back seat – for November and I ended up being in Manchester for Pre-hibearnation, Belfast with slave Joe, Toronto; and then December saw me in Nottingham to order some new rubber; Manchester overnight and then a weekend in London before heading back to Toronto and Vancouver Island for the holidays.

I have to admit, the two weeks on Vancouver Island were challenging – I’m very much missing getting geared up and playing vanilla really isn’t working for me. Admittedly, my leather jacket has been a safety blanket for me. Wow, I have changed.

So that’s what I did and who I met, so what am I really feeling and reflecting on?

I’ve been given a gift here, a gift to travel cheaply and I’m not going to waste that opportunity.

I used to dislike the term ‘fetish’ as I didn’t feel that it represented me, however, having my eyes opened to it, it actually does fit and I am a lot more comfortable in using the term to describe one aspect of what I am into.

I have dabbled a lot in being a lot more ‘out there’ in terms of my fetishes and experiences on Instagram, and I think the lesson I have learned, once again, is what you put out there you receive back in spades. While I have very much appreciated the complements and kudos, the main reason I put myself out there was to learn to be a lot more comfortable in my own skin and build self acceptance. It worked.

I decided to do photo shoots with Dari from D81, Joshi and Bear Hotel this year. Fetish photography is quite a big thing in Europe and Dari had suggested he wanted to take pictures of me, so why not. The photos were eye opening for me, because of some of the body image issues I’ve had that I have been working hard to put to rest, and the body dysmorphia I live with. I will always carry those with me, and went through a particularly bad spell of self criticism this holiday period, that I’m coming out of; but for the most part, I’m where I want to be, and wow, those images were spectacular.

If this makes any sense, my heart is opening up – it’s the only way I can describe it. I’m smiling a lot more, I’m happier and there’s a bounce in my step. I also have cried quite a few tears of gratitude as I head back to Newbury or Toronto from various trips, for the experiences I’ve been provided, and the people I have met and spent quality time with – after coming from a few years where I have felt emotionally locked up.

The way I see it, when you work on yourself and build yourself up, then you have capacity and the tools to help and contribute positively to other people’s lives.

I have also been dealing with the question of identity. While I am Master Chuck’s boy, and while there is still a need for being in boy-space to create balance; where only a few short years ago I’d say I was 75% sub and 25% dominant, the balance has shifted 75% dominant and 25% submissive. I am more interested in exploring my dom-space and building that up. I have had a significant boost of confidence over the past few months which I have needed. Truly – when you have fantastic submissives around it makes that experience as Sir that more enjoyable even when challenges arise, it’s not draining.

This blog as “Leatherboy iain” no longer feels right and my identity as”Leatherboy iain’ has changed significantly. I do feel like there needs to be a shift to be more representative of who I am these days, and where I’m headed. On Instagram I purposely chose “LthrIain” as my handle, but even that doesn’t totally capture the essence of who I am. There’s a lot more to me – something I’ve always known and others have acknowledged. This is done with Master Chuck’s blessing as well.

I think there will always be sub component to me. There will always be those men I look at and will want to submit to. There have always been men that I have looked at, who I want to have submit to me should they also desire to serve me.

2020 I know is going to be a year of even more growth – as they say if you’re not learning, you’re dead. Mid-Atlantic Leather in DC, Easter in Berlin, Manchester Rubberman Weekend, and Pride in Helsinki. Weekends in Venice, Paris and Amsterdam are on order, as well more time at The Backstreet. I have no idea where this year is taking me and the people around me, but I’m looking forward to it.

Amsterdam

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I was recently assigned to a new project that has me travelling between New York City and Toronto, with the added bonus of potential travel to Stockholm, Sweden.

Needless to say, I’m in Sweden during a Canadian long weekend.  What’s a boy to do?  Ask permission to go to Amsterdam to meet one of my favourite European-based Leather Families, that’s what!

With how drained I’ve been for the past two years with two extremely intense projects, I’ve had very little time for Leather and energy-wise, I just haven’t been there.  Time with Master Chuck has also been limited because of His own schedule.

With the change to a new project, it is clear that the last project was impacting me mentally and emotionally more than I realized.  Within 6 weeks of being on the project, I am a considerably more up beat than I have been.  I’m not swearing and frustrated as much.  It’s a really nice change.  I like getting back to the real me.

In terms of sex, play and Leather; I feel like I’m getting my mojo back if my time in Europe has anything to say about it.

I was very privileged to receive an invitation from Master Dave, of the Amsterdam Kink Academy, to stay with Him and be His guest within the city.  How could I pass up such an opportunity – to spend some time with men I highly regard and visit Amsterdam?

Needless to say, calls were made to Master Chuck who gave His approval and tickets booked right away.

I’ve been fortunately to have spoken with Master Dave, boy arne and pup squeak for a while on Twitter, and more recently Facebook.  More recently also, i’ve had a chance to talk with boy blue as well, through Recon.  I also had a chance to meet Sir Charles in person, and pup sniffer virtually.

What an incredible family with a drive to share kink as they do it.

Much of our time was spent talking, comparing stories of family, attitudes and ideology; sharing our experiences along our Leather and life journeys; serving as I hope was apropriate; seeing sights of Amsterdam; spending time at The Black Eagle and Dirty Dick’s; shopping for rubber and leathers at the famous Black Body, Mr. B’s, and RoB – which was, admittedly, a reason for me to visit Amsterdam – It’s hard to find good quality rubber in North America, though it can be found if you know where to look.

The time with Master Dave helped me to reflect on my relationship with Master Chuck.  I have been very fortunate to have had a relationship with Master Chuck since I was 30.  The highs and the lows have been worth it, from the steep learning curve of life that Sir provided and the discipling that went with it, to the learning what it means to be a boy, to be a slave and back to being a boy.  The guidance of learning to be a dominant, the challenges of having my own boys and learning how to balance both sides of myself.

It’s clear that in North America and Europe, Leather as we do it is slowly going away.  Bars have shutdown, bars have had to diversify to bring in an income.  We were among the few in full fetish gear in the bar on Saturday.

Meanwhile, we know the there are heaps more kinky fuckers out there with their fetishes, whatever that kink is.  Hence why Leather and Fetish events are even more important, especially the education aspect that goes along with them.

I have been trying to figure out, what do I want my involvement to be within the broader community.  With the lack of energy and travel schedule I’ve only been able to get to Rough House in Toronto, once or twice a year over the past few years.  I’ve not had the energy to teach somewhat because I’ve not had the energy but I’ve also not been sure what my place is in the ever changing kink scene.  Even when I’ve been involved with Totally OUTRight through ACT –   how I present which has not been as well organized or thought out as well as it has been in the past.

When I stepped down from my title year I gave a commitment to my community, that I wasn’t going away, and I don’t feel like I’ve been true to that commitment.

I am very much hoping that I can get back to it.

What is clear to me is that I’ve found similar extended family, to the family I am part of, in another part of the world.  An amazing connection of brotherhood and kinship I hope to foster and maintain.

Masculinity and Acceptance

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This is going to be less risk/harm reduction, and less Leather than most of my posts on my blog.  Other than one other more private blog that I have, this blog seems to be the most logical place to put this.

I have always struggled with what masculinity means to me, and while I have dealt with some of the demons I’ve got in this area, it’s definitely clear I’ve got other demons in this area I’ve not dealt with.

Case in point: The gym.  More recently, I’ve really hated going to the gym if it’s busy, even the gym in my condo.  More recently I’ve preferred to work out alone or with people I have specifically brought with my like one of Scott’s boy’s who is a personal trainer, boy troy, or one of my brothers, such as slave Mike who has spent years lifting.

It comes down to a few things that go through my mind

  • I feel freaking awkward and want to be able to make my mistakes in private  – I’m not talking about mistakes that would hurt myself like tearing a muscle or tendon, but more I’ve been feeling really awkward – physically and socially.
  • There’s a degree of, I don’t feel ‘good enough’ whatever that means, because anyone that knows my history of sport knows that I’ve done some interesting things that aren’t even in the line of sight for a gym rat.
  • I’ve been letting the gym immaculate me – well, I’ve been emasculating myself and using the gym as an excuse to do it.

I look at some of the muscle Bears, Leathermen who happen to work out and general body builders that I follow on various social media.

Beyond the common thread of not originally liking how they looked when they were younger – most were quite smaller than they are now, some bigger like me – ultimately the common thread, when it comes down brass tacks is masculinity and acceptance.

Thinking about lifting this afternoon with boys troy and nico, and looking around the gym, I had a good chuckle thinking about this and how recently I had not wanted to be in a gym with others around.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged.  I was comfortable, in a weird way, felt like home.  I’ve not felt that in a long time.

I love what Wikipedia says about the topic:

  • Masculinity (also called boyhood, manliness or manhood) is a set of attributes, behaviors and roles generally associated with boys and men
  • Masculinity is socially constructed, but made up of both socially-defined and biologically-created factors distinct from the definition of the male biological sex

Did I really just figure out that the common thread with every guy that’s at the gym is working through their own fucked up sense of what masculinity is?  Well, I figure the social construct that *I* created and have been creating in my head has been doing a few things including putting myself down and being judgemental in my own head.

I have no doubt that most men out there, whoever they are, have a fucked up sense of masculinity and we all question ourselves.  All we can do is learn to be more self aware over time, and also learn to be true to ourselves.