In February 2010, I took part as a panelist in a seminar called, “Get Your Kink On: Best Practices in BDSM Outreach” at the Gay Mens Sexual Health Summit.  I am particularly proud of my involvement in this seminar and with the other panelists as we got people – counsellors with ASOs, nurses with public health departments, and others thinking about how to reach kinky people.

The feedback was amazing.  Where the attendees were used to hearing very clinical terms, research and numbers; we, the panelists, were very frank, upfront and honest.  We’re not afraid to use colloquial terms because that’s how we interact in our day-to-day lives as gay men and Leathermen.  We talk about fucking, we talk about rimming, etc… We don’t use intercourse and analingus – oh so clinicial! LOL!

At the time, I was interviewed by Bob Leahy.  I love reading his Green Acres blog at PositiveLite.com and I think it’s great that both Bob and the PositiveLite team are looking to bring humour to an otherwise downer topic.  Check out their vision statement:

And that is something I am happy to support.

Bob approached me recently, following up on the interview after he reconnected with me on Twitter.  He wanted to write something on Leather, and was fascinated with the panel discussion a year and a half ago.  He also took a bunch of pictures of Sir and me during this year’s Pride parade.

I spoke candidly about Leather, my experiences, coming out twice, how I got started, Master Chuck’s family, what Leather is to me, being Eastern Canada Leatherboy, my philosophy on Leather, title holding and sexuality; about creating balance, play, and safety in play, the eroticization of safer sex, pig sex, and talking about so-called taboo topics that I think we need to be open and honest about, messaging when it comes to spreading the safer sex word, risk mitigation and creating empowerment. We really covered a lot!

Here is part one of the interview from PositiveLite.com.

Also, here is the original interview taken at the GMSH Summit:

The Grid, a free ‘newspaper’ put out by The Toronto Star published an article called “The Dawn of a New Gay” recently.

I think it’s important for people to read it.  I don’t believe it’s representative of a good portion of twenty-something gay men, and it is not a new attitude that’s forming.  I am well aware of individuals who do not associate with gay culture, can’t relate to Pride, and can’t relate to the Gay Village in Toronto.  Honestly, I have no issue with this either because most have intelligently thought this through and have a respect for these institutions and our history.

This is my response to the article.

Privilege and Politics
Let me start off by saying that I am acutely aware of how privileged of a life I actually lead – growing up relatively middle class in horse country in Halton Region, going to a private school for three years, holding a university degree, attending a university overseas and having held good jobs with some amazing companies, who fully accepted me as a gay man.  That said, I worked my ass off for these and nothing was handed to me with a silver spoon.

Despite working my ass off, I consider what I have in live as gifts.  Despite all of the gifts that have been given to me in the world, I have never lost the fact that all of that could be taken away in a minute.

With the shift to the right in Canadian Politics, gay men and women, not just Leathermen and Leatherwomen, now have a reason to worry.  Our rights – the right to marry, the right to be who we are, the protections we have in the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms are very much threatened.  Canada has traditionally had some of the most advanced in the Americas.  All of that could go away.

To an American reader, to translate, we’re essentially in our “Bush Junior” era.

The impression I am left with and that many people are left with is that the men in this article grew up in a bubble, and quite the bubble it is – check out that second paragraph!  Such entitlement and most definitely not the experience of most Canadians!  I can guarantee you the experience in places such as downtown Toronto, or anywhere outside of a major centre is vastly different.  From a provincial perspective, we have a bible belt in Southern Ontario.  Northern Ontario is pretty rough and tumble.  What is the experience in those places?

The question about is there a gay struggle to be had?  Hell yes, especially in the political arena.  And when we’re done here, there’s a gay struggle outside the borders of our cities, provinces and countries.  How about putting yourself in the middle east and helping those killed for being gay?  Are these guys blind about what’s outside Toronto and their own bubble?

How will these men deal with the potential political climate in Canada?

Coming out
For the most part I felt that being gay was fine and the negative attitudes didn’t phase me, much like the author.  I was actually quite self accepting and it was never a big deal – despite going to Roman Catholic schools at the time.  Mind you, none of my friends even suspected that I was gay based on their reaction to my coming out – maybe because I wasn’t stereotypical and no one asked.

The difference is that I did specifically come out to my friends one by one and it was in university.

When I came out in the UK, the role models that gay men had on campus was a gaggle of quite flamboyant British men.  I could not relate to them, and despite that, I respected them for their ability to be out.  I had more in common with a dyke I befriended who wore nothing but denim.  It’s fair to say I was looking for masculine men.   Despite that, all of you helped my coming out and I thank you.  It was important for me to come out as a masculine rugby-playing gay man.

I identify as gay, I am proud of that identity, I have a respect for our past history in Toronto, Canada, North America and in so-called western culture.

I cannot sit there deluded by my own experience.  Not as many people have it as easy as I did, and some people may have had it easier.  I feel it’s my duty as a gay man, to honour those who did make it easier for me to live my life as I do – to be out at work, to have a picture of my partner on my desk, to introduce; by helping other gay men, and even lesbians.

As for the village, it is what we had at the time.  Queen West aka Queer West?  Is it not just another village?  Another ghetto for gay people? Straight people also go to Church St, so… what’s the big deal?

Gay is a part of my identity, it is not my identity.  I don’t come out specifically anymore, I just mention my partner who happens to be Scott and male.  I will say, I think it’s great that a certain segment of our population can come out fully, with confidence and not have to deal with negativity during that period.  Others do not have that luxury

I am masculine.  I don’t need something to solidify my status, to validate me.  I am what I am.  That is the ultimate in self-acceptance.

Pride
Pride for me is about seeing old friends, connecting with people from out of town, and celebrating my ability to live my life as I do.  It’s a great chance to see what services and clubs are out there for people who are like minded.

I’ve marched in 13 out of 15 Toronto Prides since 1996 and I will be in this year’s parade.  I’ve marched with Bars (my first was The Black Eagle in 1996), Bears, Leather, and the AIDS Committee of Toronto.  I love seeing groups such as Metropolitan Community Church Toronto, various Unions and other organizations  march. The bar and community floats are just pure fun.

See it for what it is – yes it’s a big party these days – a celebration of what we have won.  A recognition of our history.

What about those ‘deviants’ such as the Leathermen?  Well, we are part of the community too, an important part of the community and those people who are interested in exploring aspects of their sexuality need to know it’s okay just as I have learned.  We are a valid part of the community.

How many of us ‘older’ folks have said, Pride doesn’t represent us anymore, Pride isn’t the same, etc…  Just as I grew on from the Bear community, people grow on from Pride.   Does that make them any less proud?  It does not because they respect the history.  I would hope that over time, these men would be interested in learning our history.

I actually chose to march in those 14 prides because I don’t like standing around in the heat, in massive crowds.  It’s more fun to be in the parade.

Digital Natives?
The Post-Mos in the article say they grew up as digital natives raised in the internet era. Know what?  I am part of what I would then call, “Original Digital Natives”.  I grew up in the BBS-era and dialling in Toronto’s Gay News Service at the age of 16 turning on 17 to find more information about myself in my basement office on a 1200 baud modem.  The first guy I could have hooked up with, I did courtesy of BBSes.

I’ve been on the net since 1992, when I was 18.  My first two relationships were courtesy of the internet in 1995 – I met my first ex, Steve, on the alt.sex.motss newsgroup, I met by second ex, Matt on IRC, and hooked up with many men on the #bearcave channel.  Event Scott and I met courtesy of the Internet.

And countless men that I have met since that time were facilitated by the Internet.

Forget Grindr – I discuss the guys I’m interested in hooking up with on Squirt.org, Recon and Scruff.

So what have we learned?
Not much.

There’s nothing new here, honesty.  I’m not shocked that there are people out there who can’t relate to stereotypical gay culture and I can empathize with that.  Please don’t just dismiss it, but understand your history and honour those who came before you – and that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to attend Pride.

It’s a win that younger gay men can come out smoother in certain places, but don’t delude yourself – there is still a fight out there.

Their Gay Village is Queen West rather than the Church St. Village. Whoppee!  Another Gay Village – it was old news a few years ago!  I might even check it out.

I have noticed there’s a strong desire to be masculine, and to fit in to masculine imagery.  So the shift in advertising to these young men is going to shift from the stereotypical thin twinky hairless image to something scruffier wearing Lacoste?  Welcome to the new marketing for gay men?

They’re connected – which many gay men have always been connected since the mid 90s and even before.

As far as I am concerned, other than the contempt, the priviliege, and the fact they had a very smooth coming out, these men are not that different from many of the men I interact with in my generation!

Calling yourself Post-Mo is like me using Post-Bear as a label – and i did at one point consider that but realized how pathetic it sounded.  Post-Mo becomes a new term for gay, privileged whilte-boy.  It comes across very elitist and holier than thou.

Just be yourself and be open to learning a bit about our community history because whether you like it or not, the rights and freedoms you enjoy today, which I believe you take for granted, could be gone just as fast, if not faster than they were given.

Where will the gay community be in 50 years time?  Who knows.  Discussing this article with some younger men who are in their 20s we agreed on the following:

• Who knows where we are politically.
• If we are accepted fully, there will still be a need for gay male spaces because we want that male on male primary connection.
• It’s still important to understand our history.
• It’s possible that Pride may not be that important and it definitely won’t be what it is today, but there will always be pride in who we are.

Dan Savage started the “It Gets Better” project last year in response to the LGBT youth who can’t picture what their lives might be like as openly gay adults. They can’t imagine a future for themselves. So let’s show them what our lives are like, let’s show them what the future may hold in store for them.

I recorded a video, although not specifically Leather-oriented, almost right off the plane, in a hotel on a business trip. The text I wrote on the flight down. I figure, hey, not bad for my first YouTube video:

I feel I’m overdue to record a second one that is more Leather-oriented, because not only has my life gotten better by coming out as a gay man, my life as a Leatherman, since being collared 7 years ago this weekend, has become pretty amazing.

Below are a few videos submitted by Leathermen that caught my eye while looking through YouTube, including some from my brothers in the Rochester Rams.

Dart

Dan – Rochester Rams

Bob – Rochester Rams

Larry – Rochester Rams

The LA Leather Community

Courtesy of Steve Thorson

“So you were a Sir before you were a boy?”, with his eyes looking down on me with some disdain.

“No, Sir, i was a collared boy at the same time.”, i responded in a matter of fact tone not being disrespectful, noticing his lip curling.

In a number of previous blog entries, I have mentioned my previous boys.  I’ve never hidden the fact that I do switch.  In fact, the first seminar I taught was on switching dynamics at TOKink 2006 – 5 years ago this past weekend, which is also the 5th anniversary of my slave collaring.  Switching has been an important part of my training as a Leatherman.

I have always been interested in not only becoming a better man than what I know, but I’ve always been interested in passing on what I have learned to others.  This is a big part of what we do in Leather and it honours those people I have learned from.

Seven years ago, prior to being collared by Master Chuck, I was primiarly a top and very rarely did I bottom – in fact I could count on one hand the number of times I had been fucked in the 9 years I had been out at the time, and never bottomed in a BDSM sense.

These days, seven years later, I crave bottoming and submitting to masculine men, and I acknowledge that I do have a top and dominant side of me as well.  I love topping and maybe less so, being dominant.  In a dom/sub sense, I would say I am 75% submissive and 25% dominant.  I would also say I am 50% bottom and 50% top.

For me it’s all about balance.  Being dominant for a brief time allows me to rebalance myself – and it doesn’t take a lot to satisfy that part of me. After topping then I drop into bottom space even deeper. Sir knows this and for that reason encourages my topping.

As time has gone on, the need to swing back and forth between being submissive and dominant has decreased.

I distinguish dom/sub ratios from bottom/top ratios because I see them as separate things.  As a boy, I don’t always bottom and I have been known to top.  It is such a turn on knowing that a Sir is being pleasured from me topping!  As a dominant, I’d probably find bottoming REALLY hot too, though it’s not something I’ve experienced, but hope to in the future.

It doesn’t happen often, but I love it when people look at me with disdain with varying degrees of attitude that somehow I’m less of a boy and even less of a budding Sir, but you know, it is also sad – they are missing so much in me.

Truth be known, I would rather be in service to someone who has spent time bottoming or as a submissive because they will understand me better as a submissive, and I understand them better as a dominant.  However, I also recognize and acknowledge that there are some phenomenal dominants out there that have not spent the time submitting to another.

With regards to the specific case I am thinking of, quite honestly, I found the Sir’s attitude rude and obnoxious.  He did not ask me whether it was part of my training, about my Sir’s philosophies, nor my own philosophies – and this would be the prefect opportunity for Him to learn something about me, Master Chuck, the family of which I am a part, and maybe an opportunity to learn about the Sir.  Instead, it felt like he had an agenda to make me feel less than I am because of his own importance.  Unfortunately, His loss.

Believe me, I’ve had this kind of discussion before with Sirs who were open to learning more about my Sir’s training and about my experiences who don’t understand switching, but I was never looked down on.

In a related but different experience, I was talking to one of my title brothers from a different region and he told me that he was getting flack for being a boy, helping to train a Daddy.  He is an experienced, dedicated boy; very much involved in his Leather community, highly respected in his region and a player.  Are people giving his Sir and Daddy the same attitude?

Truth be known, I know a number of slaves and boys who have boys of their own or co-dom a sub with their Master, Sir or Daddy.

After all it was Master Chuck’s first boy who was able to create the space for Sir to accept being called Sir.  It was Master Chuck’s first slave who was able to create the space for Sir to accept being called Master.  You cannot deny that experienced and even inexperienced submissives contribute to the growth of their dominants and are all part of a good Dom’s continuing growth.

Who made these people the authority on what a Daddy, Sir or Master does with their boy?  History has shown there wasn’t one way of doing things and not everyone did things the same way.

I am aware that in previous Leather generations, submissives were submissives, dominants were dominants, and switches were not taken seriously because you “never knew what you were taking home and if you would be flipped”.  Oh the shock and horror!

I do hold dear working one’s way up from the bottom to the top.   In my relationship with Master Chuck, I have no intention on dominating Him, I never try to dominate Him, and I am always submissive to Him.  That is how the relationship is defined and anything else would not be honourable to what we have built up – although I can be strong willed and that does get me in trouble.

Master Chuck encourages all of His boys to take on subs of their own, which Sir also finds it hot – watching His leather DNA being used in new ways.

So what about the boys?  I’ve had four with very different life experiences, different ages and while they’ve been in my life for a short period of time, each of them has had a major impact on me and I know I’ve had an impact on their life:

• From creating a space where a cub could experience masculinity in a non-threatening environment,
• to kickstarting a boy into personal growth,
• to giving an older man the chance to increase his sexual confidence,
• showing a boy that he really needed to be in a relationship and to stop playing a humble match maker.

Each has discovered a part of their true nature.

Doming and topping is not easy work.  It can be demanding, exhausting and even emotionally taxing, but it has all been worth it.  I am proud of my former boys and I love all of them unconditionally.

Being someone’s boy has never taken away from my boy’s experience with me as their Sir.  Me being their Sir has never taken away from my service to Master Chuck.  It has always enhanced the interactions just as it enhances my role as Eastern Canada Leatherboy – especially given I understand, to a certain degree, the experience of the dominant.

My community has even recognized this through my Mama’s Family title – Mama’s Canadian Boy Sir – something I am intensely proud of.

Last year, I decided to take a break from taking on any further boys, as I wanted to concentrate on being in service to Master Chuck. I felt my time as Master Chuck’s slave was slowly coming to a close, but not my submission to Him as a boy and I needed to concentrate on U/us.  After all, how can I serve to build others and our community if I don’t work on myself?

I am also learning to shift my focus from Leather philosophy and personal growth to play – Sir has always encouraged both and I do have a fair bit of play experience.  Both are important to me, and it’s easy for me to get caught up in Leather philosophy and writings.

Who knows what is in store for me, for the future.  At this point in my life, I am very content and I enjoy being Master Chuck’s boy and concentrating on that relationship.  This is what I need and want for now.  It is something I will cherish for life.

As they say… contentment is when what we say, do and feel are all in sync.